When the Truth Hurts

12/06/2007 – DEAR MARGO: I have a friend at work with whom I am relatively close. She regularly talks about how she can't wait to get married and how her house will look and the kids she will have. The problem is that she is extremely overweight and does not take any care with her appearance. She comes to work with clothes that appear not to have been washed recently, no makeup, and sometimes her long hair is still wet. I am surprised she is still employed, but she is out of the public eye and does a good job.

She has no family and is now in her early 30s. I am afraid that if she doesn't get a grip, she will never have the life she desperately wants. Two of her other friends said something to me about talking to her, but they don't work with us anymore.

Do I talk to her about her appearance and hygiene, or do I just keep my words to myself?

--- CONCERNED FOR A FRIEND

DEAR CON: This is one of the challenges of friendship: when to risk hurting someone so that she, or he, can confront what may be a blind spot in order to make a necessary change.

(A question that's long interested me is whether or not unattractive people know they are unattractive. From many conversations, I have come to the conclusion that they do. Let me know what you think.)

In the situation you describe, where the friendship is deeper than office cordiality, I would be inclined to have the difficult discussion -- because without it, this girl has no hope of getting closer to the life she aspires to.

As gently and supportively as possible, tell her she is doing nothing to advance her goals and, in fact, is sending signals that say "I don't care." Suggest that she would have a better shot at gaining a loving partner if she were to deal with her weight and her presentational self, and look as though she wanted to be her best self. (You might wind up as her coach.)

If she is resistant to your suggestions, at least you'll know you did what you could to be a helpful friend.

--- MARGO, PROBLEMATICALLY

I Love My Wife, but Oh, You Kid . . .

DEAR MARGO: I have a dilemma with my closest male friend, "John." He married his longtime girlfriend, "Ann," about a year ago (they are both fairly young), and even though I have always thought their relationship was not strong, I offered my support and congratulations.

Because I am divorced, John often asks me for marital advice. At first this was OK, but about six months ago he admitted to me that he has a "crush" on me, though I suspect his feelings may run deeper.

I love John very much, but platonically, and I want him to be happy in his marriage. He often flirts with me via text message, and I keep deflecting these flirtations by reminding him that Ann would probably not appreciate him talking to me that way. I care deeply about John and don't want to lose him as a friend, but I also don't want to have any part in disrupting his marriage.

What can I say to him to make him understand that my love and support go to both him and Ann? I don't want him to hurt her, especially because of me.

--- FRUSTRATED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR FRUS: I am going to assume, as you say, that your affection for John is platonic, and that you're not harboring any deep-seated, unrealized yen for him.

You can't make him happy in his marriage, but you can make it plain that you are not an option. You can also tell him that, because of his crush declaration, you are no longer comfortable being his Wailing Wall/marital adviser.

Make it clear that you are not a possible pinch-hitter should he and Ann part, and hope that he rededicates himself to the marriage. (If it's really a no-hoper, then I suspect he will find another crush who may remove Ann from the equation.)

--- MARGO, DECLARATIVELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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