When You Can't Very Well Wear a Clothespin on Your Nose

Margo Howard Margo Howard Thu Jan 17, 3:00 am ET

01/17/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I live with and am engaged to a 53-year-old man -- 13 years older than I am. He is a very loving and giving man. I adore him and am looking forward to being married to him. He has strange little quirks that I am adjusting to, but there is one that I can't seem to get past: He can go up to two weeks without taking a bath or brushing his teeth, and he doesn't wear deodorant. His parents just didn't make him do those things. Sometimes the body odor is overwhelming. I have made comments like, ''Wow, you got hot and sweaty today. A shower is really going to feel good.'' He just laughs and says that's his new cologne. How do I get him to take care of his personal hygiene?

--- ELVIRA

DEAR EL: That's his new cologne, huh? It's nice that he has a sense of humor about smelling like a goat. I'm surprised you haven't told him that your new song is ''Hello, I Must Be Going.''

What is this man's supposed reason for abstaining from bathing and teeth brushing? Too busy? Saving the environment? Because I would pass out if confronted with this foul-smelling fellow, I have the utmost admiration for your looking forward to marrying him. As for getting him to change his attitude about soap, water and toothpaste, I'm not sure you can, and I also don't know whether you found him this way. There is clearly a screw loose, but the question is: which screw?

There are many possible reasons for deteriorating personal hygiene: an organic mental problem (like a small stroke or early Alzheimer's); a mood disorder -- possibly depression; feeling ennui, to be poetic about it; or a passive-aggressive protest against society or his partner. I would say your best chance of getting him to become more fastidious would be to tell him you are within an ace of keeling over from the odor. A situation such as you describe makes it very hard to be either delicate or indirect. If he can't clean up his act, pardon the expression, you should encourage him to see a mental health professional.

--- MARGO, AROMATICALLY

A 15-Year Delayed Reaction

DEAR MARGO: Over 15 years ago, I had good reason to believe my wife was having an affair. Confronted with seemingly overwhelming evidence, she denied it, and we moved on. We remained married and today have a marriage most people would love to have. The problem is that recently those old memories have consumed me, and now that I am more mature I feel quite confident that an affair did take place. The fact that she never came clean bothers me to this day. I am very depressed and unhappy. I am trying to understand both of our actions back then. I am unable to get over something that happened so long ago. What should I do?

--- HAUNTED

DEAR HAUNT: You should book an appointment with a cognitive therapist. This particular situation, dormant for years, has again taken up residence in your head, and now you are obsessing. My guess is that 15 years ago, for whatever reason, you believed there had been an affair but bought her denials. (It may have been a blessing, by the way, that she didn't give you chapter and verse, which is what you would have had had she confessed.) It would be a shame to louse up what you now say is an enviable marriage because of old baggage. I am reasonably certain that with trained guidance you can make peace with these new feelings and put them to rest.

--- MARGO, THERAPEUTICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.