Checking In
Why a DNA Test May Not be So Smart
Thu Feb 14, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: My wife and I have been married for 28 years. We have three happy children, and that is the problem. My wife never had much of a sex drive; two to three times a year was more than enough for her. The only time she was interested was when she wanted kids, and then she was really interested. For our first and third, she had to take fertility drugs. After our first son, now 22, was born, she came home from a trip and was all over me -- the only time that has ever happened. You guessed it: Shortly thereafter she was pregnant, and our second son, now 20, was born nine months later. Six years later, our daughter, now 14, was born. Now, 20 years later, it is all beginning to add up. 1.) She had toxemia during her first and third pregnancies but not the mystery second. I did some research and they are beginning to think the father has a role in women developing toxemia.
2.) While I love our second child, everyone comments that he looks nothing like me or our other son.
3.) Turns out, I had a pituitary tumor even back then (first signs were in college) and I may have been at least part of the problem with getting pregnant -- low testosterone.
4.) For the first and third, we had to work for six-plus months with fertility drugs; for the second, it was one and done.
5.) When I casually mentioned to my wife that this son doesn't resemble me, she said I was insulting her, rather than denying it.
I love all three kids, no matter what, but this is driving me crazy.
If my second son isn't mine, I want a divorce. While I may not have much self-confidence -- living with her for 28 years would do that to anyone -- I think I deserve some happiness. So what should I do? Try to perform a secret DNA test, or say to him, "Hey, kid, I think your mom was screwing around back in the day and you may not be my biological son"?
--- RUNNING ON EMPTY IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR RUN: While I understand the desire to determine whether one of your kids is another man's child, it wouldn't make a lot of sense to divorce for something that happened two decades ago. If you want to end the marriage for other reasons, that's another story. The self-confidence reference suggests your wife may be a ball-breaker. As for the son in question, in a very real sense you are his father, having raised him from birth. What is to be gained by telling him he is, in essence, an outsider? Consider carefully what you think you need to know. In other words, do not let a possible infidelity that brought you a son you love be the reason to undo your marriage.
--- MARGO, SLOWLY
And No, Eartha Kitt is Not a Set of Garden Tools
DEAR MARGO: I am involved with a man who had a girlfriend when I met him. He refuses to break up with her and refuses to break up with me. He says he has a good heart and that she has done nothing to deserve him leaving her, but that he wants me to prove my love over time "before giving up certainty for uncertainty." What do you suggest I do?
--- BROOKLYN
DEAR BROOK: Well, then, how about you break up with him? I would return his imaginary handcuff key and tell him to have a good life. No offense, but it is perfectly ridiculous for you to fall for this nonsense. All he is doing -- with your cooperation -- is keeping two babes on the string. I would tell him to take his good heart and ... give it 100 percent to the other one. Then I would make a donation to the charity of your choice in honor of your good luck in having escaped from this mini-harem.
--- MARGO, FLABBERGASTEDLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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