A Lot Of Sex Is In Your Mind

05/08/2008 – DEAR MARGO: My husband of a year, "Michael," is everything a partner should be: generous, caring, supportive, intelligent, easygoing and optimistic. My ex-boyfriend, "George," is none of those things. He's controlling, obsessive-compulsive, inflexible and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, George has his good points; otherwise, we wouldn't have dated for four years. But while Michael fills my days with happiness and laughter, George was more the tear-inducing type. My problem is that when it comes to the bedroom, George really rang my bell. Sex with Michael is very pleasant and usually fulfilling, but George could set me on fire. Please know that I wouldn't touch George with a 10-foot pole. We broke up for valid reasons, and my husband is my one true love (forgive the cliche). I just wish that Michael and I could have the level of intensity that I had with George. How do I get back into that mindset?

--- LONG ON LOVE, SHORT ON SPARK IN THE U.K.

DEAR LONG: It sounds as though you're stuck in "bad boy mode." Some women need to be with a jerk to get turned on. I would concentrate on your husband: Ask for what you want, and teach him George's techniques, if possible -- with no attribution, of course. And for God's sake, stop thinking about the guy with whom you had high drama and good sex. Let it really be over and done with. When you're remembering the good sex, remember the rotten behavior. If you totally accept that "Michael" is your heart's desire and "George" is yesterday's (bad) news, I'm betting the bedroom scene will greatly improve.

--- MARGO, BLAZINGLY

When "Some Day" Really Is An Answer

DEAR MARGO: I am 28 years old and have a 2-year-old son, "Jay." My son's father, "John," is married. His wife and family know nothing about the child we have together. John usually visits Jay once a week for about an hour in my home, and when he's leaving, Jay cries hysterically and begs to go with his dad. This concerns me, and I am tired of having to calm my son after the visits.

I have asked John when or if he plans to tell his family about our son. He says, "Some day." This upsets me, and I wish he would stop being a coward and confess. He is 46 years old, and my son makes his fifth child, not to mention the youngest. What should I do about this unfortunate situation, and do you think his family has a right to know?

--- HELP NEEDED IN TEXAS

DEAR HELP: Actually, I think his family would probably be happier not knowing, but do I think they should know? Yes. Odd as it may sound, I know of situations where the "official" family was told, and the youngster was integrated into the larger family. I would warn you not to be the messenger, however. You will not get what you want by blowing the whistle. Your married friend is obviously terrified of having you and your son revealed. My guess is that "some day," in this context, most likely means, "Never, if I can help it." I assume this man is paying child support, something he is obligated to do by law. I believe your main concern is the amount of time spent with your son. I would go double or nothing on this one. Insist on more time or stop the weekly hour. This will be easier on your son in the long run. I would also give up any thoughts you may have about a permanent arrangement with you and Mr. X. The best thing for you to do now is get back in the dating life as a single mom.

--- MARGO, SENSIBLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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