Snake Eyes

06/26/2008 – DEAR MARGO: My former wife and I met while we were both working in Las Vegas. We had a fast courtship, married, had a son, and then realized we really could not live together. The divorce was amicable enough. Because she did not like her job but I liked mine, I gave my permission for her to move back home with our son (to the town where her parents live). Now I think I made a mistake and would like to "undo" my permission so I could have better access to my son. Do you think this is possible?

--- CROUPIER WITH SECOND THOUGHTS

DEAR CROUP: Unhappily for you, I guess what happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas. I suggest you talk to a lawyer about this. My instinct, though, tells me that in a situation such as yours, backsies may not work. Furthermore, I have a hunch that whatever state your ex moved to may complicate the jurisdictional aspects of this. As I said, you need to speak to a lawyer, something I am not. (Alas, the closest I got to law school was sitting in, maybe half a dozen times, at Harvard Law School when I was at college in Boston. Sometimes I tell lawyers I had Scott for Trusts ... and hope they do not ask me any questions.)

--- MARGO, RECREATIONALLY

When "Till Death Do You Part" Is Too Long To Wait

DEAR MARGO: My parents have been married for 20 years. I've been aware of their marital problems since I was about 4. I love them both, but am fully aware of my father's longtime emotional abuse of my mother. He excludes her from major financial decisions, and has made casual derogatory comments about her and her family in front of my brother and me. I recently found a list of symptoms of abuse online and was shocked by the number of them I recognized from their relationship. My mother is not blame-free, but she has few friends and told me that she sometimes has difficulty getting through the day because he constantly demeans her opinions and makes sniping comments about everything she does. They are well past the point where counseling would help. I've thought for the last three years that the best thing for them both would be a divorce. I brought it up about a year ago, and she told me that the primary reason she has not divorced him is her lack of means to support herself. She is middle-aged, has not had a job in 20 years and has few computer skills. My brother, "Michael," is aware of the bad situation and it makes him angry and upset, aggravated by the fact that he and my father do not have a good relationship. I think the stress is affecting his ability to sleep and perform well in school.

I'm working on helping my mother learn computer skills so that she'll have something to fall back on if (when) she and my father separate. In the meantime, I want to help Michael and my mother and still maintain my relationship with my father, but I don't know how I can.

--- GONE FROM HOME BUT NOT

DEAR GONE: You sound very savvy about what is going on with your parents, and my suggestion would be to steer your mother to a good divorce lawyer. (You can check around.) A woman in her position (a 20-year marriage and no skills) could certainly get decent alimony. The parting of these two antagonists would clearly benefit everyone, your brother included. As for maintaining a relationship with your father ... who knows? He might even thank you, assuming he finds out that you were agitating for a divorce. And then again, he might not, but that should not be your primary concern -- and I don't think it is. Good luck.

--- MARGO, INSTIGATIVELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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