When the "Sex Coupons" Are Not from Your Wife

Margo Howard Margo Howard Fri Aug 15, 3:00 am ET

08/15/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I found a sexually explicit card and sex coupons from my husband's lover. He insists nothing went on and that it was just a fluke that he received such cards and coupons. If I can't get him to tell me what went on, is it OK to go after the "other woman" and get her to give me some details? I want to work through things to save my marriage, but I need to know what happened in order to do so.

--- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR AT: Forgive me, but I am unfamiliar with "sex coupons." My best guess is they are like the ones for the supermarket, only you redeem them for ... well, never mind. I would think your main problem is not a sexually explicit card and sex coupons, but your suspicion that Romeo has a lover. By the way, he must have big brass ones to tell you the steamy mail was "a fluke." Rather than going to the other woman for details -- which I am sure she'd be happy to give you -- I think a better move would be to tell your husband you are considering such a move. You might also tell him that the "casa chica" situation, as our Spanish-speaking friends refer to it, is not acceptable to you and that you are voting for monogamy. If your vote does not carry the day, tell him it's couples' therapy or "hasta la vista." Oh, and you might try to horn in on the other babe's act by handing out a few sex coupons of your own.

--- MARGO, RECIPROCALLY

A Dad Is Not a Rubber Duck

DEAR MARGO: I have a granddaughter who is 5 years old, and her dad, who is divorced from my daughter, still takes baths and showers with her. I told my daughter this is not appropriate for a girl that age. (Her 8-year-old brother bathes by himself.) My daughter gets angry with me and says I am always overreacting because I was molested as a small child by an uncle. My daughter said she consulted some of her married friends with daughters and they said it's no big deal. This man never liked sex and it only happened on her birthday and anniversary -- with her prompting. Because of this, my grandchildren, who are three years apart, have the same birthday. People think it's cute, but it's very sad. By the way, he is a therapist for the family court system. My gut tells me it's wrong. Am I overreacting? Is it no big deal?

--- CONCERNED GRANDMA

DEAR CON: Lovely that this guy is a therapist for the family court. In any case, instead of consulting her married friends, your daughter should consult a child psychiatrist. The little girl should not be bathing with anyone, save a cousin or a sibling of the same gender and close to her age. Her ex's almost total lack of sex drive in the marriage coupled with his interest in bathing with his daughter suggests he could be, at some level, pedophiliac in his thinking. Because your daughter sounds out to lunch about this matter, I would keep the lines of communication open with your granddaughter. Should she mention any discomfort about the bath and shower arrangement -- or her father -- I would recommend getting child services involved. Little girls should have rubber ducks in the tub with them, not their dads.

--- MARGO, ASSERTIVELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.