Spreadsheets and Strudel

Margo Howard Margo Howard Thu Nov 29, 3:00 am ET

11/29/2007 – DEAR MARGO: I have been working in the same job for the past two years and am still dumbfounded by the work environment. There is a heavy emphasis on entertaining and hanging out. We have potlucks and luncheons, birthday parties and gift exchanges four to five times a month. My question is: How much is too much when it comes to socializing? My supervisor insisted the get-togethers were all "voluntary." However, she became angry when I asked if I could skip a few of the social events and was rude to me for weeks. My co-workers teased me for buying cakes instead of bringing something homemade. I was also chastised for stating I could not afford to participate in some of the events.

I have since moved to a new department, but there is still a heavy emphasis on socializing. The thing that bothers me most is that the managers keep referring to the partying as "teamwork" and insinuate that I'm not a team player if I don't participate. (But we never have a focus on the actual work.) Is this a normal work environment?

--- OUTSIDER?

DEAR OUT: There probably is no "normal" work environment, but your situation sounds like a social club with supervisors.

These event planners, I mean the colleagues, sound more like party animals than worker bees. My favorite workplace expert, Susan Pinker from the Toronto Globe and Mail, had this to say:

"Workplaces are tribal; each with its own dialect, costume and rules of conduct. The bonding ritual the correspondent describes is incessant socializing. In other offices it could be nonstop work or daily drinking at lunch or after hours. I read of one software startup that featured a beer fridge and poker tables instead of a staff kitchen. What is common to all, however, is that 'not a team player' is code for 'doesn't belong here and is about to be targeted.' If I were your correspondent, I would hightail it out of there as soon as she finds an alternative where work is valued more than the chocolate cake she brings to office parties."

--- MARGO, ALTERNATIVELY

Who Makes the Kickoff?

DEAR MARGO: I have been with my husband for over two and a half years. We have a darn good sex life, but I am the one who initiates it. Always. I can't even tell you the number of times I've expressed my wish that he be the one to initiate sex every now and then, but it continually falls on deaf ears.

His response is, "I know. I will," but it doesn't happen. When nothing is forthcoming from him, I give up and initiate. Again. I know he enjoys being with me. It's always wonderful. He says so, too.

What do I do? I want to feel like my husband wants me. I want to be hit on! I just can't keep telling him over and over. Do I keep encouraging him or become accustomed to being the initiator?

--- WAITING

DEAR WAIT: It sounds as though he is very responsive, but for whatever reason he needs to be hit on. If everything is lovely once you get together, I would try hard not to let who is initiating become an issue. This kind of quirk is far better than a guy who needs you to dress up like a nun or his third-grade teacher.

Stop trying to noodge him into being the aggressor; it's just not him. It doesn't even seem important enough to find out why. Just accept that you are the seductress and forget about who is starting what.

--- MARGO, ATTITUDINALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.