What a Guy!

07/03/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I have been married for 25 years and have two children, one adult and one teenager. I have never been happy in my marriage. I decided a long time ago that my commitment was to maintaining a secure family life for my children, mostly because I did not have that when I grew up. My husband is distant, insensitive, uncomfortable with emotions, and spends more time alone than he does with us or anyone else. He stated that he once cheated in the past but it was "too much trouble." I have sex with him out of a sense of duty and occasionally my own physical need. I have not kissed or hugged my husband in many years. I must admit I have a friend I stay in touch with and see once or twice a year. I can kiss him, hug him, enjoy sex with him and say I love you. I have no intention of giving up this relationship. I have plans about how I will leave my husband the minute my youngest child is packed for college. The thought of living together without the children is unbearable. I am not even certain I can take it very much longer. I am a therapist and spend hours with clients who have codependency issues. I counsel them to take care of themselves, yet I do not have the courage to do that for myself. I am very concerned about my children because they have grown up having witnessed no display of emotion or love between their parents. My oldest child is 25 and has never had a serious relationship. I know in my heart that I am hurting my children more than helping them.

--- STUCK

DEAR STUCK: I agree that the chill between you and your husband has not been good for your children. Father Theodore Hesburgh once said that the greatest gift one can give a child is two parents who love each other. Of course, it's too late for that, but not too late for you to do what you know you must: Doctor, heal thyself and get out of there. You are living a fake life that surely has deadened your soul. I am guessing that having a 25-year marriage and a professional career would make for a comfortable landing, financially. I urge you not to put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

--- MARGO, DECISIVELY

The Lady Is Trolling

DEAR MARGO: I have this friend and his wife who have been our friends for years. Usually we meet at one of our houses for drinks or dinner. Invariably after drinks my friend's wife gives me the looks and manages to have our hands touch many times. She calls me often to clarify doubts she has about this or that, or when she needs some information. Whenever I have called her to learn more about why she does this, she cuts the conversation short. Her husband often works late, so I am confused as to whether she is trying to fill up some time or trying to get something physical going with me.

--- SAM IN GERMANY

DEAR SAM: Both your guesses are correct.

--- MARGO, INTUITIVELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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