From Here to Eternity

Margo Howard Margo Howard Fri Jul 4, 3:00 am ET

07/04/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I despise going to wakes and funerals. I always have. I understand that the person is gone and what remains is the empty body. I don't need to look at it, I don't need to cry over it, I don't need to "say goodbye" to it. It is no longer that person. It was bad enough that I went to my grandmother's funeral when she didn't want one, but when they asked for someone to get up and speak, no one did. I ended up having to speak the whole time. The majority of people I have known who've passed away had told me they hated funerals and didn't want one. They said better to throw a party in celebration of their lives. Most of my family is mad at me because I don't go to funerals. They say I need closure; they say my children need closure. But I am not going to make them sit through a funeral and then explain why we have to go look at a dead body. They both understand life and death very well. There is no need to put on black to understand it or to say goodbye to someone who isn't there. So, does the fact that I don't go to funerals or make my children go to funerals make me a bad parent?

--- PRESSURED

DEAR PRESS: You are in no way a bad parent for having made this choice. I think to have or attend a funeral should be a personal decision. As to whether or not there even is a funeral, that should be decided by the person who would be, let us say, the guest of honor.

For some reason, public figures either want big, blowout circuses -- or nothing at all. For example, my mother chose to have no funeral, as did Cary Grant and countless other well-known people. Conversely, many individuals plan the service they would like. Whatever people want is fine with me. As for "closure," that is a word I could live without. It is a concept I find meaningless; more of a wish than a possibility. In fact, what people call "closure" I find to be the end result of time and emotional progression, something that cannot be achieved by a burial -- or an electrocution, for that matter.

--- MARGO, UNDERSTANDINGLY

Mommie Dearest to the Max

DEAR MARGO: As long as I can remember, my mother and I have never gotten along. Growing up, she blamed me for everything -- from why she was angry to the phone not working. I would overhear her praise my sister and oldest brother to everyone, but she would only speak of my other brother and me in a negative light. I was hit and emotionally abused by her. She never laid a hand on my older brother and sister. I can remember being as young as 5 and her telling me to eat poop and leave her house. Now that I am a mom, I thought our relationship might improve, but it hasn't. She still says horrible things behind my back and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life, though she tells people how successful the older two kids are and makes a big deal over them. I recently spent some time back in my hometown with family, and my 8-year-old overheard her telling my sister-in-law that I was using my husband for his money. Now my son is upset with her. I want to cut off all ties but don't want to lose my sister and my brother, who have always sided with her. I don't know what to do, but I am tired of feeling the way she has always made me feel.

--- UNLUCKY

DEAR UN: What a sad story. It sounds like the two favored children came earlier, suggesting that you and your younger brother appeared, perhaps by accident, at a time in her life when she was deeply unhappy, if not unhinged. The thing for you to remember is that the messy relationship with your mother has to do with her -- not you. The healthiest thing for you, now, would be to stop being her pinata by severing all ties. I can't think of one reason to continue a punishing relationship that brings you nothing but grief.

--- MARGO, REALISTICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.