Checking In
When a Painful Past Intrudes on the Future
Fri Aug 1, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17. Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way." Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do. I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal. Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet. She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape. She only met him that one time and does not want me to ask her about the experience anymore because she wants to forget what happened. I am having trouble dealing with this because part of me wants to find that man and have him thrown in jail, and the other part of me wants to leave this woman. I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me. It is hard for me to understand why she put herself in such a position to begin with. I think the only way I can stay with her is if I fully understand the circumstances of what happened. But I know this is very difficult for her, and if she was raped, I do not want to cause her more psychological harm by endlessly interrogating her. I have felt sick since she told me this, and I do not think I can stay with her if I can't come to terms with it.
--- HEARTSICK
DEAR HEART: Your newest romantic friend did not engage in "TMI" (too much information), but rather told you something of her sexual history that I believe was important for you to know. I encourage you to move away from your instinct to "fully understand" or to find and punish this man. It would be a shame to end the relationship because of something basically out of this woman's control. Many people develop online friendships and then decide to meet; she misgauged and picked the wrong person. Because you say you are intimidated by women more experienced than you are, perhaps a few sessions with a mental health professional will help you over this hurdle. If you cannot get past this unfortunate incident, then, to be fair to both of you, you will have to end it.
--- MARGO, REGRETFULLY
He Says, She Says
DEAR MARGO: As a 66-year-old man, I can't remember how long it's been, if ever, that I cared what other people thought of me. My daughter-in-law said I was the most arrogant person she ever met. I replied, "I prefer to call it self-assured." I think you have to like yourself before you are able to love others. What say you?
--- JOHN DOE
DEAR JOHN: It is, indeed, a trait of the self-assured not to care what others think, but that need not necessarily translate to arrogance. Why did your daughter-in-law make this declaration? If your "not caring what other people think" means that you are rude and overbearing, or that you brook no opposing opinions, then announcing you don't care what others think is, to be sure, arrogant. By me, the "good" kind of indifference to the opinion of others is if, say, you do things that seem a little off to other people ... such as sporting a blue streak in your hair or a safety pin in your eyebrow. I am all for liking oneself, but that really has nothing to do with being thought arrogant.
--- MARGO, ATTITUDINALLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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