Lights, Camera, Action!

08/29/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I have been working for a director for some time now -- from the time I was in school. I adore him; he's my hero. He's married to an older woman who is a producer with whom I also work. Recently I've been working very closely with him. We're both very affectionate people, and I know he considers me the apple of his eye. Things started out innocently, like kissing him on both cheeks and holding him for a bit longer than necessary, but later turned into a single kiss on the lips, then many kisses on the lips, then tongues came into the picture. He's talked to me about this and said I have to face reality about the situation, that it is inappropriate -- not only because he is married and my employer, but also because he's 40 years older than I am. But we still continue our physical relationship (which hasn't gone further than smooching), as well as our wonderful friendship. His wife knows we're very close, but doesn't suspect anything. I'm madly in love with him, but somehow I'm content to just be his friend and half-partner. I don't want to break up their marriage (I love his wife very much, too), but I know finding out about us would be painful for her. Why don't I feel guilty?

--- CURIOUS

DEAR CURE: To answer your question technically, people who have something to feel guilty about but don't are considered sociopaths (formerly known as psychopaths). Granted, what you are up to is not in the upper range of offenses, but the fact that you mention guilt suggests you know that your behavior is out of bounds. When you say things have not gone further than smooching, I would hazard a guess, given your director's age, that perhaps nothing more is doable -- or he would be doing it. Don't you find it a bit strange that this man has invited you to face reality and called the little games "inappropriate," and yet they continue? It is entirely possible that his older wife knows exactly what's happening, and my guess is you couldn't break up the marriage. While you may think you are running the show, I think you are the one who's being toyed with. Just saying.

--- MARGO, INSIGHTFULLY

Welcome Home!

DEAR MARGO: My best friend just returned home from a temporary one-year contract job out of town to find that his wife, who is nine months pregnant, has been sleeping with her boss (30 years her senior, I might add). He is devastated, unemployed and quickly seeing everything around him fall to pieces. When he asked his 5-year-old daughter to describe this man, she referred to him as "Mommy's husband." The baby is due soon, and my friend is (smartly) having a paternity test done. If it's not his child, what advice would you have? He has no family where he lives -- everyone is related to her. But there's a 5-year-old girl he adores and cannot leave. My gut tells me to encourage him to move to a new city and start a new life if the baby is not his. It would just be too difficult to stay where all the players live in the same small town.

--- TRYING TO HELP MY FRIEND

DEAR TRY: A paternity test would almost be redundant, presuming there were no furloughs, though it certainly would be useful in relieving your friend of child-support payments for the new baby. I am assuming a divorce is in the works. As for your wishing to be supportive, offering your shoulder will be most appreciated. One thing you might try to get across to him is that, even though all her relatives are in this small town, he did nothing wrong. She did. It sounds like employment will be the determining factor in the outcome for your friend. If he needs to travel or live elsewhere, he will do it and find a way to manage visitation. Should he want to remain in the small town, providing there is work there, I predict he can find a way to make it work.

--- MARGO, MANAGEABLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.