Out of the Closet -- Literally

09/25/2008 – DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have a 9-year-old daughter. My friends and family adore him. He's a wonderful husband, a great father, and has been more than I could have ever asked for. However, there's a serious issue I can't get past. The short version: Almost a year ago, "David" told me he liked to dress in women's clothing. It was definitely a shock. I asked him a lot of questions, like for how long, when, etc. He informed me that he'd always felt that way, but no one else knew. He promised to keep it from our daughter and not do anything that made me uncomfortable. I promised not to breathe a word to anyone and tried to get on with our life together. Then a few months ago, I walked in on what I thought was another woman in our house. I was ready to ask who she was when I realized "she" had on my clothes and that she was David -- from full wig to high heels. I couldn't look at him. He apologized profusely, saying he hadn't expected me to see him and it wouldn't happen again. I thought I was dealing with this news well enough, but I was wrong. Seeing him hit me like a freight train. I love him and want him to be happy. But I want to be happy, too, and I just can't get that image out of my head. Whenever we are together intimately, I visualize him standing there in my clothes and lose interest. I've even had dreams about it. I don't want to tell him how much it hurts me because I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not sure how to move on.

--- I'M THE WOMAN HERE

DEAR I'M: Something you might not know is that most cross-dressing men are straight. It's just a kink that might seem gay, but isn't. Granted, it's got to be a shock to see one's husband done up like one of the girls, but he could be up to worse things. The key to your letter is that this man is wonderful, beloved by all, and more than you could have ever asked for. I think if you read up on cross-dressing and perhaps talk to a therapist, you'll learn how to move beyond his, uh, leisure pursuit being a turnoff. Believe it or not, there are couples who dress up and go out together as girlfriends. Just saying.

--- MARGO, TOLERANTLY

No Problem. Really.

DEAR MARGO: I have two kids: a boy, 15, and a girl, 16. Both are great kids. My daughter has wonderful girlfriends, as well as some guy friends. Her really close friends are all straight, but don't act like it. They hold hands, hug hello and goodbye (hanging on each other for a really long time), kiss on the cheeks hello and goodbye, and generally make me feel uncomfortable because this is not how my girlfriends and I acted toward each other. I've asked her about this, and it seems this is the new normal. Do you think it is? She really does like guys.

--- SQUIRMY MOM

DEAR SQUIRM: It does seem to be the new normal in many groups of kids. For one thing, a young teenager who really was gay would be unlikely to flaunt it in front of other kids -- not to mention their parents. For good or ill, things have loosened up and changed quite a bit since you and I were teenagers. But there are a lot worse things than groups of kids holding hands and hugging.

--- MARGO, AFFECTIONATELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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