"I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You." Aaarrrrrgggh.

10/10/2008 – DEAR MARGO: I am a 23-year-old woman who is dating a 47-year-old man. Age never has been an issue with us. We get along wonderfully and share so many things. About three months into our relationship (we've been together for one and a half years) I told him I was in love with him. He said he "loved me, but would never be in love with me." He has been hurt in the past and still feels bitter about his last girlfriend, a woman he describes as a "manipulative user." I feel at this point he is "in love" with me but doesn't want to admit it to himself. Is it too much for me to expect to hear the words from his mouth? Or should I just leave it alone?

--- OUT OF MY MIND

DEAR OUT: Honey, you are wasting your time. I am so tired of the dodge "I love you, but I am not in love with you" I could scream. That is such a crock. What it means, in plain English, is that you are not his heart's desire, but he's happy to kill time with you ... in the sack. I would tell him to take a hike and send him off with the hope that at some point he can distinguish the "manipulative users" from the women of worth. You are too young to cling to a bitter, middle-aged man whose fears have immobilized him.

--- MARGO, DISMISSIVELY

The Backstreet Boyfriend

DEAR MARGO: I've been with the same man for three years, two of which we've lived together. He's an amazing person: loving, funny, caring, thoughtful ...yada, yada, I'm sure you've heard this enough to have memorized the rest. My only problem is that I'm out and he's not. My family loves him, as do my friends, but he's yet to mention me -- even as a roommate -- to his family. He has told his best friend (who was in love with him, until she found out he was gay) and after a few months she accepted me. He's promised many deadlines for when he's going to out himself to family and friends, but I know from experience that it's not as easy as circling a date on the calendar. I guess my question is this: When does it become ridiculous for me to stick around? Three, five, 19 years? I love him, but I'd also like to be part of my significant other's life without feeling like his "mistress."

--- UNSURE AND UNKNOWN

DEAR UN: Your s.o.'s bifurcated love life is interesting. He is out to your family and friends but not to his own -- supposedly excepting the hetero female best friend. Whatever is motivating him (whether it's religious, professional or his own sense of ambivalence) he wants your relationship on the down low. Given the way human nature works, however, it is hard to imagine his orientation is really unknown. Your beau's family may be willfully in the dark, but I suspect some friends have guessed. As for how long it makes sense for you to stick around as the furtive friend, there is no particular length of time that constitutes the "right" answer. You have to determine the point at which it becomes insurmountably problematic. I hope you will be able to convince him that in this day and age the reasons for concealment aren't what they used to be. You also might suggest that it may not be the secret he imagines it to be. Good luck.

--- MARGO, HONESTLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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