What to Do When a Spouse Is Diagnosed With a Critical Illness

No marriage is immune from challenges, and when a serious illness, such as cancer or Alzheimer's disease, strikes your relationship, it's an opportunity to lock hands and face the problem together. If your spouse or significant other receives a devastating diagnosis, you can help shoulder the burden by becoming his or her advocate, which may mean assuming the role of caregiver. Experts offer these strategies to ease that transition:

Take a deep breath. The most important thing you can do is be there for your spouse, says Christine Weber, a New York-based clinical neuropsychologist. That starts at diagnosis by remaining calm. "Don't panic," she says. "Panicking can cause emotional paralysis and further distress an ill individual." Take a breath, step back and figure out how you're going to tackle the problem as a couple.

Study up. Help your partner become an informed patient by reading all you can about the disease, treatment options and typical progression so you have an idea what to expect and can make the best care decisions. "Understanding the disorder can allay many fears about disease progression and a spouse's prognosis," she says. "Many disorders have national and local Internet sites that can assist with finding information and support for patients and caregivers."

Attend doctors' visits together. The best way to assist a critically ill spouse is to be actively involved in the care, which can mean attending all doctors' visits , tests and follow-ups together, says Gail Hunt, CEO of the National Alliance of Caregiving. "This way, you can be sure that you both covered all questions that you want answered," she says. "Plus, you won't be relying on your spouse to relay what the doctor said. It doesn't turn into a game of telephone."

Be involved in decision-making. After asking the doctor all of your questions, deciding on a course of action should not just be a decision between your spouse and the doctor, Hunt says. It's important to make joint care decisions because you, too, are impacted. "You should be viewed as part of a triad with your spouse and their doctor," she says. "Be sure to discuss all the pros and cons of any treatment and what side effects to expect, as you'll have to deal with them as well."

Know what to expect. If your spouse undergoes major surgery or another complex treatment, the transition home from the hospital is critical, Hunt says. Before you leave the hospital, speak to the doctor and get a written set of instructions on how you can best help at home. "Have them tell you what the expectation is," she says. "What kind of things should you be expecting when [your partner gets] home? Any side effects or complications to be on the lookout for? Catching these things early can make all the difference."

Care for yourself. Many caregivers neglect to take care of themselves, Weber says. Even while dealing with the stress of being a caregiver, you need to take time for yourself to eat right, exercise and sleep. If the stress starts to overwhelm you, consider joining a support group. "Support groups are a forum that many caregivers appreciate because other members understand the dilemma being faced," she says. "Expressing concerns and fears to individuals living through the dilemma at hand is very different than sharing with friends and family who may not have any personal experiences with a serious illness."

Know your limits. Don't expect to do everything, Hunt says. If your partner is critically ill, she may need treatments or other care that you're not knowledgeable enough to provide -- and that's OK. "If you're supposed to be doing personal care, such as bathing, dressing, feeding or medical tasks like wound care, and you realize that you don't know how," she says, "this is a sign you're in over your head." If you're faced with tasks you can't complete, consider hiring a nurse's aide or a home health aide who is trained in caregiving, Hunt says. Many times your insurance will even help cover it.

Ultimately, it's important to remember that becoming a caregiver can be a full-time job, Hunt says, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you can't handle it. "Caregiving should be a voluntary activity," she says. "You shouldn't be forced by the health care system, nor by guilt, to take on the responsibility."

Your most important role is that of advocate, making sure your spouse gets the care he needs -- whether it comes from you or someone else. "If you get frustrated or are burning out, or if you feel angry or isolated, that's when you need to reach out and get help for yourself and your spouse," she says. "You're no good to anyone that way."

Amir Khan is a Health + Wellness reporter at U.S. News. You can follow him on Twitter, connect with him on LinkedIn or email him at akhan@usnews.com.