The Surprising Ingredient Your New Year's Resolution Needs to Succeed
When your friend doesn't get the promotion, you tell her, "That's a bummer, but you're still a great candidate."
When another pal kicks herself after ordering the cake instead of the fruit dish while on a diet, you say, "Relax! Everybody slips up now and then."
When your brother gets dumped by his girlfriend, you remind him, "Breaking up is hard to do, but you'll get through it."
But what do you say to yourself when you miss the promotion, slip up on your diet or get stung by heartbreak? Most likely, it's something far less kind. In fact, research shows that 80 percent of people are significantly more compassionate to others than they are to themselves, says Kristin Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin who's known for her pioneering research on self-compassion.
"Most people actually know how to be compassionate to others -- they know what to say, they know what words to use, they know what tone to use," she says. "So really, all they need to do is give themselves permission to show that same kindness to themselves."
Doing so isn't just nice. Research suggests self-compassion -- or being kind and supportive toward yourself (rather than self-critical), recognizing that failures and setbacks are a part of life (not necessarily a reflection of your shortcomings) and being mindful of your negative emotions (neither ignoring nor exaggerating them) -- is linked to a host of mental and physical health benefits, as well as an improved ability to cope with life's challenges .
"There are a lot of misconceptions in our culture about what self-compassion entails," such as that it's weak, self-indulgent, selfish or the same as self-pity, Neff says. But, she adds, "There's a lot of research to say that's not the way it works."
The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Happier. Less stressed. More confident. Less anxious. Sound like who you want to be in the new year? Self-compassion can help, according to a 2015 analysis of 79 studies that found self-compassion is linked to better overall well-being. Other research has associated it with everything from a more positive body image to resilience in the face of an HIV diagnosis. By contrast, Neff says, "people who are very hard on themselves, very self-critical, who are constantly pulling the rug out from underneath themselves, tend to be more anxious and depressed and stressed and have less ability to cope."
Though the research is less robust, self-compassion is also associated with physical health benefits. A study published this year, for example, found that, among women with arthritis or inflammatory bowel disease, those who scored higher on self-compassion scales used "a healthier tool kit of coping strategies," says study author Fuschia Sirois, a psychology lecturer at the University of Sheffield in England. In turn, their chronic conditions caused less stress. "Self-compassion is really important when you're dealing with a struggle or a challenging situation or a stressful life circumstance," she says.
It also seems to be a key to supporting healthy behaviors. For example, one analysis of 15 studies published this year in the journal Health Psychology found that people who are self-compassionate are more likely to take care of themselves by exercising regularly, eating healthfully, managing stress and getting enough sleep. Other evidence finds it helps them stay on track when they fall short of their goals, says Sirois, who led the Health Psychology study.
"If you think about all those times you slipped up on your diet or decided to stay in instead of going to the gym, that can very easily turn into self-critical thought," which can promote negative feelings that spiral into more unhealthy behaviors, she says. "Self-compassion should help you get back on track because it helps dissipate those negative feelings."
As Neff puts it, "Do you want an inner ally or an inner enemy when you face life's challenges?"
Self-Compassion: Your Resolution's Missing Link? Frequently touted behavior change tactics -- such as setting goals that are specific and attainable, and planning for setbacks -- are key ingredients to sticking to your resolutions. But, Sirois says, "they're not the whole story because they are very rational approaches, and we are not always rational." (All the times you reached for the cake over the carrot stick are a case in point, she says.) Self-compassion, by contrast, supports your emotions -- not just your thoughts -- when your good intentions go off course.
Self-compassion -- or a lack thereof -- may also help explain why your attempts at healthy change have fallen flat, adds Michael Mantzios, a lecturer in health psychology at Birmingham City University in England whose preliminary research suggests that people's long-term weight-loss efforts are more successful when they practice self-compassion and mindfulness than when they practice mindfulness alone. "Befriending yourself and aiming to improve the way you treat yourself may unexpectedly create the beneficial and much-wanted behavioral change that you could not achieve in the past, and possibly with less effort," he says. But if treating yourself the way you treat others doesn't come naturally, take heart: Self-compassion can be learned. In fact, it's "easier than you might think," Neff says. Here's how:
1. Be aware.
The first step in fixing a problem is admitting it exists. In the case of self-compassion, that means noticing the times your inner dialogue sounds more like an adversary than a friend. "We don't realize how unkind we are to ourselves most time and how much we do get embroiled in those emotions," Sirois says. "So becoming aware of these negative emotions ... is the first step to developing self-compassion." To find out how self-compassionate you are, take Neff's free quiz.
2. Know you can do it.
On the flip side, it's important to notice when you are treating yourself kindly, Sirois says. When she gives talks about self-compassion and asks members of the audience if they've been kind to themselves that day, few people raise their hands. In reality, she says, they all should since they attended her talk. "A lot of people are very self-critical, and the whole concept of self-compassion can seem very foreign," she says. But recognizing when you practice it "gets you into a self-compassionate mindset."
3. Give yourself permission to focus on you.
While some people worry that taking care of themselves means neglecting loved ones, people who are more self-compassionate tend to have better relationships, Neff says. "They have more emotional resources to give to others -- they aren't expecting to have all their needs met by other people," she says. One study by Neff found that, among parents of children with autism, those who were more self-compassionate had better overall well-being than those who ranked lower in the trait -- even when accounting for the severity of their children's condition.
4. Retrain your inner dialogue.
When you catch yourself ruminating on negative thoughts such as, "This only happens to me," or, "I messed up, so it's all hopeless now," ask yourself if you would talk like that to a good friend. Then, change your tone -- either internally or on paper. "Writing a letter to yourself when you're upset from the perspective of an unconditionally supportive friend really makes a huge difference," Neff says.
5. Put your hand on your heart.
Neff knows it sounds touchy-feely, but putting your warm hand over your heart during a trying moment -- while saying something like, "This is stress. Other people feel this way. May I be kind to myself" -- can awaken "the system that all mammals have that responds to warmth and gentle touch," she says. In turn, "your body responds and relaxes so it's easier to be self-compassionate," she says. (Here are a few other guided exercises to try.)
6. Proceed with caution.
Self-compassion does seem to have its limits. While it can be a great asset when facing a challenge -- such as a medical diagnosis, a death in the family or even returning from war -- more might not be better when you're already doing well, Sirois says. Her preliminary research has found that when people are tempted with a plate of homemade cookies and told to exercise self-compassion, those who aren't naturally very self-compassionate better regulate their eating, while those who are already high on self-compassion tend to eat more. "If you practice self-compassion when you don't really need to ... then it becomes a self-licensing [effect] to indulge," she says.
7. Get help.
Most of us deal with an inner critic, but if you find yourself consumed by negative thoughts, don't be afraid to seek help from a mental health professional. "If you're really a self-critic or really have a lot of self-hatred issues, it's good to go down the path of self-compassion with the help of someone," Neff says.
