Taste Testing Kale Frappuccinos: An Unlikely Starbucks Odyssey

In late March, Starbucks changed its business model. The chain pivoted from being a ubiquitous multibillion-dollar coffee shop to a ubiquitous multibillion-dollar coffee shop that also sells kale smoothies.

Its new line of Evolution Fresh blended drinks comes in three flavors: Strawberry, Carrot Mango, and Sweet Greens. Customers are also encouraged to add in extra Greek yogurt, protein powder, or—and this is where it gets interesting—a handful of fresh kale.

As a connoisseur of both dark leafy greens and tasty frozen beverages, I needed to get one of these in my mouth as soon as possible. But as an equally rabid fan of caffeinated milk shakes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have ulterior motives. I wanted to see if a Starbucks barista would make me a Venti Double Shot Kale Java Chip Frappuccino—replete with 600 calories and 120 milligrams of caffeine—for no reason other than morbid curiosity. But why stop at one? With the addition of kale, all 28 of the blended drinks on Starbucks’ official menu could be instantaneously health-ified. It only seemed reasonable to grab eight different frosty smoothies, take them to the TakePart office, and conduct a rigorous, official taste test.

I went to the Starbucks nestled inside my local Ralph’s grocery store the evening after the smoothie news broke. Instead of promotions for autumn’s Pumpkin Spice Latte or summer’s Blackberry Lemonade Surprise, the menu board was covered with springy, pastel-colored pictures of Evolution Fresh smoothies. Scrawled on the chalkboard in cursive lettering was the command “Add Fresh Kale!”

Yes, Starbucks, I will add fresh kale—thank you for the recommendation!

Though the novel smoothie line was getting all the promotional attention, there was another new item flying under the radar: the Tiramisu Frappuccino, which eschews Greek yogurt and kale for 58 grams of sugar and a few pumps of rum-flavored syrup. The Evolution Fresh smoothies—healthy as they may be—now seem like the poster child for quick-serve doublethink. Starbucks’ menu didn’t get any healthier, just more polarized.

I asked the barista for a Carrot Mango smoothie, then pointed triumphantly to the sign and asked for a serving of greens. She gave me the verbal equivalent of a shrug before swiveling her head around to see what I was gesturing at. She had never heard of the smoothies, and she especially didn’t know how to make them. I left with a tall black coffee. It was the first day of the promotion; there were obviously some kinks to work out.

Three days later, I returned. The “Add Fresh Kale” sign was still there, but three new exclamation points had sprung up next to it. I don’t know if an employee added them, if it was some punk teen vegan anarchist, or whether I was so consumed by the thought of a Kale Java Chip Frappuccino that I blacked out in the middle of the night and vandalized the sign myself.

But the “who” is not important.

What is important is that the barista had no idea what the hell an Evolution Fresh smoothie was. Again, I left kale-less.

The third time isn’t always a charm. It was now a full week after the “Add Fresh Kale” sign had been drawn on the menu board and four days after the exclamation points were added. I once again requested a Carrot Mango Evolution Fresh smoothie with added kale. I figured that would be a good gateway to “Hey, now that we’re on the subject, can you also throw kale in a bunch of Frappuccinos?”

This time, there was no hesitation, no apology, no bewildered shrug—the barista just started making the smoothie. While I was putting my debit card back in my wallet, she turned around and said, “Sorry, we don’t have any kale here. Do you still want the smoothie?”

I told her I did, but only to be polite. It tasted healthy.

In between sips, I asked if I could take some fresh kale from the produce aisle some 50 yards away, purchase it, bring it to her, and have it thrown in any blended drink of my choice.

To me, it seemed like that was the whole idea of Starbucks’ kale stunt.

The only locations where the Evolution Fresh smoothies are available outside of the Pacific Northwest are the thousands of intra-supermarket Starbucks locations. I had presumed that was because the coffee shop megachain wouldn’t have to find a kale supplier for its grocery store locations—baristas could just grab it straight off the shelves.

I explained that, and though she saw my point, the barista didn’t feel comfortable throwing vegetables in the Frappuccino blender without the green light (that’s a kale pun) from a higher-up. But she offered to help me explain my theory to her manager the next morning—and try her damndest to produce me a Kale Java Chip Frappuccino.

After speaking to a representative from Starbucks, I found out that my theory, despite being completely earnest and well intended, was completely inaccurate. For food-safety reasons, the baristas are supposed to use individually portioned bags of whole-leaf kale that are kept in the fridge—bags that my friendly neighborhood Starbucks, which appears to have fallen through the corporate cracks, hadn’t received.

No, the limited supermarket release is all about consumer psychology. Starbucks locations in grocery stores have higher foot traffic later in the day, which means people without serious caffeine dependency problems are more likely to buy non-coffee drinks.

Had I known that at the time, maybe things the next morning would have gone differently—but there I was at Starbucks once again, at 6:30 a.m., in the thick of the morning rush. I made eye contact with the barista from the night before. She nodded. It was on.

I approached the manager, gave him my spiel, and asked if he was willing to make me my Kale Java Chip Frappuccino—provided I brought my own kale.

“Yeah, dude. I’m down. Might be kinda gross, though,” he said. I had planned for that risk all along, and I shot him a thumbs-up before racing off to the produce section.

I handed the manager two bunches of organic kale and ordered eight 16-ounce drinks studded with the leafy green: Strawberry Evolution Fresh Smoothie, Sweet Greens Evolution Fresh Smoothie, Carrot Mango Evolution Fresh Smoothie,  Tiramisu Frappuccino, Caramel Frappuccino, Java Chip Frappuccino, Vanilla Crème Frappuccino, and Strawberry Crème Frappuccino. After eight days and four trips back and forth from Starbucks, there was no way I was going to walk out of that store with just one drink in hand.

I stacked the kale-uccinos—all varying shades of green, brown, and some slightly reddish from the strawberry syrup—into my car and took them to the TakePart office to share with my coworkers, who had been hearing about this saga for the past week.

After a super-scientific (not really) taste test with six of our brave staffers, here are the final rankings, scored on a 10-point scale:

1) Vanilla Crème Frappuccino: 6.8

2) Carrot Mango Evolution Fresh: 6.2

3) Strawberry Evolution Fresh: 6.0

4) Sweet Greens Evolution Fresh: 5.8

5) Strawberry Crème Frappuccino: 5.0

6) Java Chip Frappuccino: 4.3

7) Caramel Frappuccino: 3.3

8) Tiramisu Frappuccino: 1.3

Related stories on TakePart:

• Baristas Pull Degrees: Starbucks Workers to Get Help Paying for Higher Ed

• Can We Even Call Starbucks a Coffee Shop Anymore?

• Get Ready For Ornate, Caramel-Swirled, Venti-Sized Tea Drinks: Starbucks Is Opening a Tea Bar

Original article from TakePart