Taylor Swift Moves into NYC Apartment Built Over Mysterious River of Pink Slime
Today in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift bought a $20M NYC pad; Selena Gomez is moving into Justin Bieber's old neighborhood; and Jennifer Aniston hired Lenny Kravitz to decorate her home.
Despite being a longtime fixture in downtown Nashville, the world's most famous 24-year-old teenager has decided to move to the big city. The biggest city. A city that never sleeps, even! A place known for superior pizza because tap water and also window displays and underground trains and off-brand salsa and a big forest in the middle. New York City! Taylor Swift bought a $20M apartment in Tribeca, which is a pleasant neighborhood where Robert DeNiro films American Express commercials, and she's already been spotted out and about doing typical New Yorker things like "taking a leisurely stroll by herself" and also visiting the Metropolitan Museum of Art where she stood transfixed before an oil portrait staring into the eyes of Vigo the Carpathian for hours on end. But just because Swift is now living the busy lifestyle of a girl in the City doesn't mean she doesn't have time for some of her trademark goodwill gestures; Page Six reports that she visited a "young patient at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center" just for fun. Which is a good example of how Swift has maintained her positivity despite the pulsating river of pink slime that seems to flow beneath her feet wherever she travels and also pours from the spout every time she tries to take a bath. It is not yet clear what Vigo the Carpathian intends to do with Taylor Swift once his unholy reign begins, but it's probably nothing that can't be undone by a tank of positively charged pink slime, a walkman, and Lorde's talent for sneaking into the Statue of Liberty after hours. Welcome to New York, Taylor Swift! [Page Six]
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Also making purchases of 'statement real estate' (real estatement?) is Selena Gomez, whose (on again? off again?) relationship with Justin Bieber may have inspired her to purchase a new home in Calabasas mere weeks after he relocated to Atlanta. According to TMZ, Gomez reportedly "threw down roughly $3 million for a 5-bedroom 7,200 sq. ft." mansion in Hidden Hills, a few minutes away from the Oaks home Justin Bieber once used as a headquarters for egging and/or sizzurpin' and which is now owned by Khloe Kardashian. You know the part in Poltergeist when Craig T. Nelson screamed in his land developer boss' face "you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You only moved the headstones!"? This is a lot like that, but with celebrities. [TMZ]
Honest question: Should we be worried about Jennifer Aniston? It's been quite a while since she's seemed obviously broken or unhinged, and in fact she seems to have been living a very chill and relaxed life in the run-up to her marriage to Justin Theroux. But sometimes all it takes is one major mental setback to undo all the strides someone has made, you know? In this case, Jennifer Aniston has hired Lenny Kravitz to decorate her home.
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"Jen is blown away by Lenny’s unique taste and now he’s picked out a series of interesting pieces of furniture for the lavish home she shares with Justin," a source told Radar.
That's right, Jennifer Aniston was "blown away" by the taste of the man who wrote "Fly Away." The source continued unloading troubling revelations, however:
Jen has confided in friends that Justin [Theroux]’s taste can sometimes be a little too quirky for her. And when it came time to decorate her Bel Air home, "Lenny was the first person she called when it came to fixing up the interior."
Um. Just to be clear, fiancé Justin Theroux's taste was considered "too quirky" and so Jennifer Aniston turned to Lenny Kravitz's more measured tastes instead. If that isn't grounds to call off a wedding, what is? Treachery and betrayal, thy name is Jennifer Aniston's decisionmaking. Anyway, yeah, is an intervention perhaps necessary here? Should Chelsea Handler and Courtney Cox sit Jennifer Aniston down and get Brad Pitt on speakerphone and try to restore her sense of reality? You are loved, Jennifer Aniston, don't do this to yourself. [Radar Online]
Guys, please do not leave mysterious packages inside the gate at Bob Barker's place. He is an old man and deserves our respect and does NOT deserve to be spooked by mysterious packages. Last Friday the former Price is Right host and longtime enemy of horny pets experienced a bomb scare! "Bob's housekeeper noticed the package inside the front gate of his Hollywood Hills home around 1:00PM," and the LAPD bomb squad arrived at the scene to figure out if Barker was in JEOPARDY and if the presence of the mysterious package meant he was PRESSING HIS LUCK and also SUPERMARKET SWEEP. But according to TMZ, "the squad determined the package just contained medication." So no, an enterprising dog or cat tired of being told how to live did not attempt to murder Bob Barker via explosives and it's frankly very #grim and #dark for you to have even considered that as an option. Bob Barker's housekeeper called the cops about a box of medicine, that's all. Also, as far as I know "medicine" in this case is not a euphemism for crack rocks, so please do not spread rumors to that effect. [TMZ]
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Sincerest apologies for failing to post this next photo sooner. It is six days old! But on the other hand, maybe it's everybody's fault for overlooking it? When it comes to selfies of Jessica Chastain smiling serenely while neck-deep in flowers from her admirers, it truly takes a village. We all should have been more on the ball here. Still though, simply because we let one of the all-time great 'grams fall through the cracks doesn't mean we shouldn't still talk about it. So here, in all its belated glory, is a picture of Jessica Chastain neck-deep in flowers from her admirers. Happy birthday to Jessica Chastain, sure, but more importantly happy birthday to US.
Despite the Oscars' outright refusal to recognize stone-cold reality, Spring Breakers was by far the best picture of 2013, deal with it. But where the world straight-up refused to properly celebrate the brilliance of Harmony Korine's lurid dark comedy, at least the main three actresses continue to show their pride. Here are Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Benson enjoying a spraaang breaaak foreva reunion on Gomez's Instagram account!
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This article was originally published at http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/03/taylor-swift-moves-into-nyc-apartment-built-over-mysterious-river-of-pink-slime/359891/
