On Politics: The silliest emails of the week

I've been traveling around the country plugging my book on the collision of politics and celebrity in 1987 (see, I just did it again), so I haven't had a lot of time to check in on the latest election polls and midterm controversies. I did spend a half-hour watching TV in a Denver hotel, during which I saw a total of three 30-second ads that did not feature one candidate slandering another. Colorado, I feel for you.

Fortunately, I have a pretty good sense of what I've been missing, thanks to the endless stream of political emails that keep repopulating my iPhone inbox, like brain-eating bacteria. And so this week I inaugurate what may become a new, recurring feature of the "On Politics" column: the silliest emails of the week.

Here they are, in no particular order:

From: Democratic Legislative Campaign Committee
Re: Everything's TIED!
"All of the year's top battlegrounds are tied right now. ALL OF THEM."

Really? ALL of them? As in, like, 50-50? Not even 52-48? No one is winning anywhere? I really don't think that's true.
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From: Republican National Committee
Re: ICYMI: RNC and LAGOP Chairmen Hold Conference Call on Anniversary of Landrieu's Keystone Show Vote
"Tomorrow marks the four-month anniversary since Mary Landrieu's politically motivated show vote on the Keystone pipeline in the Senate Energy Committee."

WHAT? Four months just flew by like that? I couldn't actually get on this conference call, because the florist was already closed, and I didn't feel like I could just show up to a four-month anniversary without something special. Particularly the four-month anniversary of an Energy Committee vote. Or, as we in the business like to call it, the "big four barrels."
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From: Erik Braun, Sean Eldridge for Congress
Re: Sean just asked …
"Sean just asked how many supporters responded to his email yesterday. I looked and … your name isn't there (sorry if I missed it)! ... only 39 hours till tomorrow's make-or-break deadline. We HAVE to raise $13,580 or we won't have what it takes to win."

OK, first of all, $13,580 is an awfully specific number. Are you sure $13,575 won't get it done? How exactly has this been calculated?

Second, I'm pretty sure Sean Eldridge, who's married to the Facebook zillionaire Chris Hughes, keeps more than $13,580 lying around the mail table next to his keys and his Safeway card. He needs my five bucks? He's the guy who decided to try to buy a district in upstate New York. I need that money for my Furby collection.
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From: Mike Lee
Re: We Need to Talk
"We need to replace the unresponsive Washington bureaucracy with bottom-up solutions that empower the people closest to the problems to find solutions that work best for them.… It is by this method that our path to prosperity will be restored."

I have no idea what any of that means, but I think it involves cutting federal programs for poor people. I guess I'll find out when we talk.
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From: Scott Peters for Congress
Re: Triple-Match Extended
"Due to an absolutely TREMENDOUS outpouring of support, a group of Scott's supporters just agreed to make a one-time extension to the triple-match … all donations made before midnight will be TRIPLED."

No, they won't. This is probably the single most pervasive lie in online fundraising. Someone should go to jail just for coming up with it. Listen to me carefully, people: There is no such thing as a "triple-match." It's like Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster, or Mitch McConnell's warm and personable side. Does … not … exist.
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From: Tom Mackel Jr., International Longshoreman's Association
Re: National Non-Spending Day
"Stop and think of what we would accomplish if we withheld our spending for one day," the union's website says when you click the link. "How would that effect (sic) the bottom line?"

I'm certainly sympathetic to the idea that yawning inequality is bad for everyone, but it seems to me that Non-Spending Day is an ill-fated gimmick, even if you could pull it off. It would last for exactly one day, and then businesses would just go on making money, because here's the thing: People need to buy stuff. And I think corporate America has figured that out.
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From: Democratic Senate Campaign Committee
RE: We're begging you
"Friend, we're out of words."

OK.
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"Seriously, don't know how else to say this: The election is in 15 days, and we simply don't have the money."

Wait. You just said you were out of words.
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"Our spending is falling behind the Republicans in the final stretch … "

No, see, when you're out of words, it means you are actually out of words. If you have more words, then don't lie about it and get my hopes up.
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From: Sean Eldridge for Congress        
Re: Just two more weeks …
"Here's the truth, Matt. This race has never been about just two candidates."

Actually, that is exactly what this race is about. And you're still not getting my five bucks.
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