Under the Dome Season 2 Finale Review: Jumping Headfirst Off the Cliff

Under the Dome S02E13: "Go Now"

Under the Dome wrapped up its second season with the ol' cliffhanger trick, a moment of madness and mystery designed to leave viewers dying to find out what happens next. Except it was a poor attempt at a cliffhanger, and it had the opposite effect: Not only do I not care about what transpired after Angel Melanie whispered, "Follow me, you idiots! I'm going home!" to a bunch of fools walking around in a Styrofoam tunnel, but I feel ashamed over having spent 26 hours of my life watching this nonsense. I'm wallowing in a pit of despair deeper than any hole-shaped passage to Zenith the Dome could possibly create, and I simply don't feel the need to climb out of it and continue the story.

The ending of "Go Now" wasn't a cliffhanger, it was an impenetrable wall of lead. It was not television, it was community theater written by a grandmother who'd downed a cocktail of antidepressants and gin martinis. It was not primetime entertainment, it was torture. So let us all hang our heads and attempt to make sense of what happened, shall we?

To be clear, I enjoyed Under the Dome's Season 1 finale for all its wackadoodle insanity and bright pink streamers shooting across the sky. There was a certain elegance to its confusion, almost as if it was inspired by the trippiest moments of Fantasia or the dreams of a sleep-deprived child. And to be even clearer, there were parts of the Season 2 finale I enjoyed as well, but that enjoyment stemmed from a much darker place. "Go Now" was pitch black compared to the technicolor wonder of Season 1's "Curtains," full of death, doom, and Dome dominating. In the end, this finally really crystallized the idea that Under the Dome is like the ranting screams of a drunken hobo: entertaining at first, but ultimately sad. And now I feel guilty for initially thinking the screams were entertaining because mental illness and alcoholism are serious issues.

Speaking of mental illness, "Go Now" began with Junior wanting to jump into a hole to chase after Melanie despite the poor survival rate of people on Under the Dome who jump into holes. Instead, the gang put their heads together *bonk! coconut sound* to address the real problem at hand: saving Pauline's life. Oh I forgot! Pauline isn't dead... yet. I totally thought she died. I guess Lyle's plan really backfired, didn't it? He won't be holding her hand in heaven, that sucker, because she's still kickin'. Well, that and he's definitely going to hell. Also, everyone was very chill about Big Jim killing Lyle.

Pauline spoke in dying breaths for the entire episode, and she did so with a mouth full of scarlet tempera paint that stuck to her lips and teeth like a whore's lipstick. She told Julia she was "chosen," but also that someone else was chosen because Pauline was having visions again. Pauline's character made zero sense, and Under the Dome didn't even try explain her. Why did she have visions? Why was her blood so bright red and sticky? Why did she randomly decide to stop having visions? What dumpster was her art school located in? Why did she love Big Jim and hate Big Jim at the same time? I would have left her to die in a pool of melted makeup because I can't stand people who are that wishy-washy. Either have visions or don't, lady! And stop perpetuating these lies about people being chosen. You're only making things worse.

The Domers are apparently much nicer than me, so they decided to try to save Pauline's life. And that's when the Dome got angry. I'm not sure if the two events are related, but as soon as people carried Pauline toward safety, lightning crashed all around as if the Dome God had been angered.

Then Joe had a brilliant idea! He figured that with all the Dome contractions, maybe there was a crack and a wifi signal could get through. He actually said, "We need to get a tablet!" obviously referring to his Microsoft Surface tablet and showing real restraint by not saying, "We need to get my Microsoft Surface tablet with wifi capabilities and Minesweeper! It's available at your local retailer for only $199!" (I have no idea how much one of those things costs.) Anyway, the point is that there was no point, because there was no wifi signal and nothing came of it. He just wanted to say "tablet" so that Microsoft execs would be somewhat happy.

Hey, let's check in on Tom, Chester's Mill's most unfortunate soul. How's it going, Tom?

Yeesh. Sucks to be Tom. R.I.P., buddy. Tell Lyle I said hi!

Next: Page 2, where things aren't looking good for Pauline and OMG did you see her last painting?!?

(Continued from Page 1)

So Junior, Big Jim, Sam, and Rebecca the Science Teacher set up a makeshift hospital bed (a stretcher on a table) and tried everything they could think of to save Pauline. But "without an MRI" they were pretty hosed, so they started loading her up with morphine because Pauline just would not shut up about being in pain. I'd also like to point out that, like Julia and her badly wounded jeans, Pauline was wearing a bandage outside her clothes.

Back with the kids, Hunter agreed that Joe's idea to go find a tablet was a good one even though there was no wifi signal. Why was Hunter sucking up to Joe? Getting a tablet was a terrible idea, Hunter. Why wouldn't someone tell Joe that his ideas are terrible and that he should stop thinking? Remember when he had the brilliant idea to take blood samples? Or when he really wanted to bring a gun to the lake? Or when he thought he and Norrie should have sex against the Dome? Joe is a well of bad, dumb plans, so of course his next thought was to rappel down the crater hole, exactly what Barbie told him not to do.

In the tunnels, the group saw glowing purple veins and a butterfly, neither of which were explained and will remain unexplained long after Under the Dome is canceled. The tunnels were also rattled by Domequakes, so being down there was extra stupid. Still, the people of Chester's Mill never met a hole that couldn't resist jumping into, so the exploring commenced and then the kids came to a fork in the tunnel. It was supposed to be a big deal, but again, nothing came of it. A butterfly went one way, so they decided it was the right path to take, obviously. Because butterflies are nature's GPSes.

But then a Domequake hit and the kids ran out of the tunnel in awful slow motion. Barbie met them at the entrance and everyone decided the best idea was to walk everyone in town through the tunnel to safety... or whatever was on the other side. They just wanted to get the F out of Chester's Mill basically. To summarize, the kids went into the hole and then left the hole. So much inconsequential stuff happened in the middle 43 minutes of this 44-minute episode that I'm skipping 90 percent of it and I'm still wasting your time by telling you too much.

One thing that was very important, however, was the latest painting in the Pauline Rennie collection that Junior found while retrieving some paint brushes and a canvas so that Pauline could paint a way out of the Dome (again, inconsequential, because she never touched a brush again). Get a load of this masterpiece of terror:

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I want to buy that painting to hang in my enemy's house.

Next: Page 3, where Rebecca the Science Teacher becomes Rebecca the Murderer and Big Jim is not pleased

(Continued from Page 2)

Okay! Now here's where things actually got interesting! Pauline decided the pain was too much and asked Rebecca the Science Teacher to put her out of her misery with a morphine shooter because it's "what the Dome wanted." Yes! I love it when people kill each other on this show. Rebecca the Science Teacher tried to play it off like it was a tough decision, but deep down inside you know she was so stoked.

That was pretty selfish of Pauline to just give up like that, wasn't it? Hogging all the escape from this show and this dumb Dome for herself? She couldn't wait to reach the much more preferable location of "hell" even though she was leaving her son toiling in Chester's Mill under a stupid bubble. What a horrible mom.

Outside, it was raining. Inconsequentially. Under the Dome just included a scene where it was raining really hard.

Then it stopped raining for no reason. But maybe it was a metaphor for the eye of the Dome-storm? Because things got pretty crazy—and admittedly, awesome—when Jim found out that that Rebecca the Science Teacher injected Pauline with the sweet relief of death.

Big Jim delivered a 12-inch Subway Subtember knuckle sandwich to Sam when Sam tried to calm him down!

OH MY GAWD they killed Rebecca the Science Teacher! At this point, you could have turned the TV off because there's no reason to watch Under the Dome without Rebecca the Science Teacher. Who is going to engage in thrilling debate with Julia about the scientific ramifications of a spherical membrane encapsulating a town versus a magical disembodied Dome wizard? Under the Dome just killed science, yo! That settles it, the Dome is a sentient presence that cannot be explained and we should all bow before its glory and make up holidays around it and even fight wars over various divergent branches of the Dome religion while old white guys stand in front of congregations and demand that their followers give them money and anyone else who doesn't agree with the Dome god can live in sin.

Next: Page 4, where Big Jim continues his rampage!

(Continued from Page 3)

Jim had been going pretty Dome crazy since the Season 2 premiere, and he went full-on loony in the finale. He even had a conversation with the Dome *cuckoo bird sound* and said, "Hey Dome! If you don't bring my dead wife back to life then I'm going to kill all your special friends!" It was terrifying, but I couldn't help but root for Big Jim because I too wanted all those kids to die. So when Pauline stayed dead, I applauded extra hard.

Big Jim also dealt the art world a devastating blow when he did this!

I think he really lit that stuff on fire, which dashes my hopes of obtaining a Pauline Rennie original for my own personal collection. I would honestly pay $50 for one of those paintings, wouldn't you? Of course you would, you're no dummy. I mean, it's television history AND fine art! Sign me up.

Big Jim wanted to get annoying redhead Julia first, so he tricked her into heading over to the Hoarder Lady's house all by herself so that he could kill her. But first, this:

YEAH! Go Big Jim! Kill 'em all! I love seeing Julia crash into things. Honestly, an entire show about Julia smashing into random objects would make more sense than Under the Dome.

That was it, she was dead, right? WRONG! Julia had other ideas!

Julia ran away like a bolt of red lightning and Junior intercepted Big Jim in the forest, where they had a father-son showdown. It was pretty inconsequential, of course.

Yep, Junior shot his dad in the shirt and then ran away.

Get ready for the grand finale, guys. Buckle your seat belts, tighten that belt loop around your neck, and find a slab of leather to bite down on, because here it comes.

Next: Page 5, the grand finale

(Continued from Page 4)

Back in the tunnelz, Barbie and Julia got separated after a Domequake opened up a hole in the ground between them, leaving Julia stranded on the Dome side and Barbie on the butterfly side. They said some lovey-dovey stuff to each other and agreed that Barbie should go on. Barbie was like, "Cool."

Barbie led the group of townspeople down the path that Norrie said the butterfly chose (?) and they found a huge wall of butterflies probably having a butterfly orgy (that's what they do, scientists may call it a "mass mating session" but let's face it, it's an orgy).

The butterflies totally forgot that Barbie murdered their young back in the second episode of Season 2, and they all flew away, leaving a barren wall on a dead end. OH NO what were they gonna do? What these morons always do whenever they have nothing else to do, that's what:

Barbie has magic hands, too! The wall broke apart!

And on the other side was...

Melanie said, "Follow me, we're going home!" And the expressions on everyone's faces summed it up best.

Oh shut up, Joe.

That's how Season 2 ended. Will Melanie lead everyone home? What is home, exactly? Will Junior and Julia have to repopulate Chester's Mill while Big Jim limps after them? Will CBS renew this piece o' garbage? So many questions left unanswered, so many unanswered questions that will just lie there collecting dust.

And so another season of CBS's summer smash Under the Dome has come to a close, and a great Dome of confusion has been lifted off the universe. We can now return to our lives, confident in the fact that logic and common sense will guide us through our Dome-less natural existence. Enjoy your Dome-less fall season and let's all pray that Under the Dome gets renewed... or not!

ADDEN-DOMES

– In just five seconds, Tom's kid became the best actor on the show.

– Big Jim: "Pauline came back to save us, not bleed out in front of her son." Best line ever?

– Norrie: "He's right, we know the Dome better than anyone." Also the best line ever?

– Norrie whining about her mom may be the worst scene in the entire series.

So, are you hoping that Under the Dome will be renewed for Season 3?