The Vampire Diaries "Welcome to Paradise" Review: Grievous Bodily Charm (PHOTO RECAP)

The Vampire Diaries S06E03: "Welcome to Paradise"

Please don't let this statement lead to an epic flame war, but in my opinion, puncture wounds are unpleasant! I don't care if it's by a stake or a batarang or a marlin's nose, I would prefer to not be stabbed or punctured in any wayshaperform (sp?). Please just keep your spikes and poles away from my sick bod. (I had pink-eye over the summer.) Have you ever noticed how many stabbings and puncture wounds happen every week on The Vampire Diaries? I have been keeping a rough count over the years and we're now somwhere in the range of one billion. Most vampire TV shows would be like, "Oh, vampires have all these special powers, let's really celebrate all that they can do," but TVD is like, "let's puncture-wound the sh*t outta these vampires." More like The Vampire Sproinkings am I right? I am probably not right, but I don't feel like deleting that sentence. "Welcome to Paradise" was another winner of an episode! Although, remember the very, very brief scene at the beginning where Jeremy wore a shirt? What was that all about? Thankfully, the rest of the episode was downright terrific. Let's talk about it!

It all started in the aftermath of Enzo going on a neck-snapping spree, which included Stefan's girlfriend and Stefan himself! (Note to vampires: Your human girlfriends will probably be murdered at some point, so maybe sneak a little of your blood into their EasyMac every now and again.) Anyway, Stefan had decided that enough was enough, so he showed up to work to tell off his mean boss and also to deliver a monologue about his life or whatever, doesn't matter. Also his girlfriend was in his front-trunk.

After Stefan compelled his boss to dispose of his girlfriend's corpse, he was ready to start the day!

Meanwhile at college, Caroline was still a dropout, but she had crashed on campus that night after going big at the clubs, I guess? Or maybe just crying in her car. Not sure. But at least Elena was more fun to be around after having one of the loves of her life erased from her mind.

This was a very telling moment because we were supposed to think she was totally fine because she no longer remembered loving Damon, but at the same time she still had tons of memories of him being a friend and confidante, right? So she was exactly zero sad now? Elena was zero sad about one of the members of her circle of friends dying permanently. What exactly was the difference between this and Elena "flipping her switch" off? I'm starting to think that Elena is a straight-up sociopath.

Meanwhile Tripp Fell was cleaning out the back of his van after a long day of setting vampires on fire in it.

Yes, Matt will forever be a darling and delicious stack of mashed potatoes, but this was not a great episode when it came to Matt's intellect. Did he seriously not suspect anything weird was going on? He knew enough about the town's founding families to ask Tripp Fell if he knew about "the real stuff" that was happening or whatever, but then he was gullible enough to accept it at face value when Tripp Fell said he didn't know anything? Matt, come on. Come on, Matt. Also, that was obviously actual blood they were hosing off of the van. Matt, come on. Matt.

Back at college, Tyler was chasing after the witch twins and trying to butter up Liv for some reason, probably because he needed personal favors like always.

Not sure I loved the idea of Luke being cool with the fact that Tyler had roughed him up in public, but I'm glad Liv kinda-sorta held a grudge about it at least.

That being said, I am pro-Tyler-and-Liv, so whatever. This show can make it up to me by also giving Luke someone to have steamy run-ins with. Maybe like a pork rind enthusiast or something, who knows, not me.

Oh, did you remember that Elena has a new love interest in the pre-med program? I'd almost forgotten!

But let's be real, this guy stands no chance with Elena, especially when certain exes show up unannounced and backlit.

Yeah, see, barely a day goes by after Elena "forgets" her love for Damon and already Stefan's swooping in. This show.

Have I ever told you about my concept of heaven?

IT'S THIS PRETTY MUCH. Just a nonstop Supermarket Sweep episode with no countdown clock.

I do have concerns about the dairy products Damon and Bonnie were taking. Are they or are they not four months old? I'm still not totally clear on the logic of this world (it's probably just dream logic though, huh?) but oh well. They both looked slammin' in those aviators, and plus I am just in general loving all of Bonnie and Damon's scenes. They both bring out the best in each other (Bonnie's personality in particular seems more dynamic than ever) and I feel like I could watch an entire episode devoted to this storyline. But anyway they kept encountering clues that they weren't alone!

Meanwhile Caroline was hanging out with her self-professed "most stable" friend Enzo, and in a surprise twist, she actually disapproved of the fact that he'd murdered their waitress!

To be fair though, it wasn't a moral objection, it was more about not having the authorities on their tail. Which, sure, "authorities."

Next: Page 2, down by the swimmin' hole

(Continued from Page 1)

Meanwhile the entire gang decided to meet up at the local mud puddle to go swimming! And for Elena and Stefan it was kinda-sorta like old times. Which, now that she hasn't dated Damon, it must've been pretty puzzling for Elena to realize she'd been single for TWO YEARS. Elena is not really the single type, you see.

Meanwhile Damon was also reunited with one of his first loves.

But only then, and reluctantly, did he remember something else that was important to him.

We knew this was coming. He's going to finally return to the land of the living and Elena won't like him anymore. Are you mentally prepared for THAT angst? Because I'm guessing he won't take it well. Maybe Damon can date Bonnie at that point? I would probably actually really root for that except for the fact that Bonnie-Damon 'shippers are the most frightening of them all. But you never know!

Meanwhile Elena was about to really prove how carefree she was now by doffing her top and doing a flip into the mud puddle!

This made me laugh so hard:

Is Elena really swimming in two feet of water?

And then all this happened:

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I don't remember anything.

Nothing makes sense. What is even happening. Not sure.

Whoa, sorry about that, I just fell into a quick trance.

Then there was this guy, he was just some teen who was working with Tripp Fell, but he had a lot of very bossy opinions about vampire attacks and he couldn't believe Tyler and Matt thought that Jeremy's girlfriend had been bitten in the neck by A DOG.

But because Tyler's plotline was all about him trying not to lose his temper and murder someone, tension started to build!

Luckily Matt stepped in and cooled everyone down. That is one of his specialties and it was his time to shine.

Meanwhile Elena had toweled off all the brackish stillwater and was in the mood to have a good-ass time.

But then Matt and Jeremy were like, "Uh, no thanks, we don't day-drink anymore," and Caroline only reluctantly took a Jell-O shot so she could get out of there.

But I did kind of feel bad for Elena during that scene. She just wanted things to be how they used to be or whatever. Isn't that such a newly single person move, though? Oh NOW you want to hang out with your friends. Meanwhile the whole time you were in your coupled bliss they went and grew as people and followed their own journeys and those journeys do not always include eating Jell-O shots in the middle of the day by a mud puddle, sorry.

Back in 1994, Damon started getting frustrated when he decided that all the signs that someone was following them were flukes and that they would be trapped in this "personal hell" forever.

But Bonnie had HAD IT. She pushed Damon around and was like, "Shut your mouth." See what I'm saying about Bonnie being so much better now? She told Damon off! Very into it.

But of course Damon was wrong and 10 seconds later he discovered there really WAS another person in 1994 with them:

This person is named Kai and he looks like if Paul Rudd and Doug Hutchison ran at each other at full speed and combined into a teenager eating chips.

Meanwhile the pre-med dude made his move on Elena and she didn't hate it!

I almost feel bad for this guy. It's not in question that he will be murdered, it's only a matter of WHO will murder him. My guess is Sheriff Forbes, by accident.

So then Stefan showed up at the mud puddle, and apparently he'd only really come because he'd heard Enzo was going to be there and he wanted to get his revenge on Enzo for murdering his girlfriend.

But then Enzo pulled out a classic vampire self-defense move!

And just when it seemed like Enzo was about to throw a wooden stake at Stefan to finish him off, he threw it at this dude instead:

That's right, Enzo saved Stefan's life! Also that one dude was a vampire hunter, because of course he was a vampire hunter, why wouldn't he be, get real.

Back at the refreshments table, Caroline was openly grousing about whatever and a stranger called her out for it.

So of course Caroline compelled the girl to run back into Mystic Falls for ice.

Oh, hey Jeremy!

Anyway, just because Enzo saved Stefan's life didn't mean Stefan didn't still want to murder Enzo.

Something about how Enzo was a final reminder that Damon was dead and Stefan couldn't move on until Enzo was dead. Something like that. This season is like Bad Grieving 101.

But, you know, Caroline stepped in. Phew!

Next: Page 3, back to 1994 again!

(Continued from Page 2)

Back in 1994 Damon was thirsty.

But it turned out Kai had laced EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE with Vervain! (Why didn't Damon notice that all the safety seals were broken?) And suddenly Damon was writhing around on the floor puking up booze because guess what? Kai wanted to kill him for some unknown reason!

Ouch! Kai meant business. I loved when Damon finally got up and rushed at Kai but Kai had already planned for that contingency:

Haha! Taken down by that which brings you comfort. Southern Comfort.

But then Bonnie came back and interrupted. She did not want Kai to murder her friend, and to prove how serious she was, she turned and looked at a candle.

But the dinky little flame meant that she now had her magic back! And we all know Bonnie's magic was primarily related to setting things on fire, occasionally on purpose, so BINGO.

Haha, this was so triumphant. Obviously Bonnie's magic has always been of the accidental or deus-ex-machina variety, but it made me so happy to see her have powers again at all. Talk about Throwback Thursday!! You know? Okay.

Meanwhile Matt learned the hard way that his random teen friend had actually been a vampire hunter.

And he took it SO HARD. Like, he was in tears. Is Matt okay, everybody? I think he's maybe not doing so great in life. This was not even close to one of the most shocking things he's ever discovered but he totally fell to pieces? Somebody should check in on Matt more.

Ugh, this was a tough scene: Caroline more or less admitted to Stefan that she had feelings for him and it hurt her heart personally when he ditched everybody. But then she pleaded with him to think about maybe coming back if only for her, and this was what he did:

And yeah, Elena was standing off to the side eating a potato the whole time. But at least she had the wherewithal to comfort her friend. She owed Caroline that much.

Aw, poor lady. You'll be fine.

Haha it was nighttime and nope, no shirt yet. That's just good writing. I bet in the script it says "It's nighttime and Jeremy is somehow even more shirtless than before?" Anyway, the girl that Caroline had sent on errands had returned looking very non-compelled.

Which meant that when she entered Mystic Falls, her compulsion wore off. Which meant that the other girl with the "dog bite" had not actually been compelled when they all thought she was, which meant that she was PRETENDING to not know vampires existed and she had gone and and sexed up Jeremy regardless. That is one smart girl. Where did she run off to? Well, when they find her I hope they elect her MAYOR.

So back in 1994 Damon tied Kai to a chair in his living room and was getting ready for a long night of murdering him, but that's when Kai admitted that he was never going to kill Damon, he was merely trying to shock Bonnie into getting her powers back. And it worked!

It actually did make sense. Bonnie's powers were the key to their exscape from the land of Xscape and she really only tended to perform well under pressure. Bingo! I like this Kai guy. Somebody introduce him to Luke.

Meanwhile Liv showed up to help Tyler with the kegs, but really that just meant tip them over via magic while he bent over.

That's when he started to get steamed and then things got steamy!

What is the phrase? I am here for this? Because I am here for this.

Meanwhile back at the dorms the ladies had some real talk.

This was a fairly major moment for the show. Two best friends finally admitting they had a crush in common. Stefan was Elena's first (and perhaps final) soul mate, yet here was Caroline officially throwing her hat into the ring or whatever. And I liked that Elena seemed so cool with it. I mean, who knows what's even on Stefan's mind, but I'm relieved that we're not yet getting into jealousy stuff between these ladies. I reaaaallllly don't want to see a cat fight here.

So then in the final scene Enzo showed up at the diner to order some food, except he forgot that he'd eaten the waitress. Tripp Fell, however, had not forgotten.

But he also didn't seem aware that Augustine vampires had different rules and could not be brought down by syringes full of Vervain. Fortunately, someone else showed up just in time to help out.

Haha! Stefan tried to murder Enzo then and there, but after a quick moment of bonding with Tripp Fell over their mutual membership in the Founding Families club, he took off and let Tripp do the honors.

Which means Enzo will not be getting killed. Because come on. Enzo ain't going anywhere.

I really liked "Welcome to Paradise" a lot! Not particularly epic with revelation, but it was as quick, sprightly, and moving as TVD at its best. Season 6 is shaping up very nicely so far, so nice that I keep forgetting this is the SIXTH season. How is this even possible? It suddenly feels new and fresh in a way it hasn't in a while. Solid new characters, actual growth from the old ones, and plotlines that have thankfully avoided any direct retreads. And yeah, I'm still really enjoying Bonnie. Who could have seen that coming? Not me. Now if you'll excuse me I need to add another thousand examples to my TVD puncture-wound Excel spreadsheet.

BYE

QUESTIONS

... Is Kai just a regular human or is he a supernatural creature of some kind?

... Was this Jeremy's finest hour?

... Are you worried about whom Elena will fall in love with next?

... Have you ever skipped college football practice to go hang out at a mud puddle?