Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception
Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones. It's the week of April 19, 2013.
Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time
In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time.
U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
qHoping to reinforce their fire safety message, the U.S. Forest Service debuted a brand new ad campaign featuring the horrific, preventable death of their beloved mascot Smokey.
Study: Nation's Third-Graders Now Eating At A Ninth-Grade Level
A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. It's the week of August 15, 2014.
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
Technology expert Chris Borden explains that it would be fine to have sexual intercourse with a robot dog because it isn’t a real dog.
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
The new app pinpoints the unique existential angst at the core of each runner’s workout routine. Then it motivates with personalized reminders like, “Your career is stalling out” and “Your family hates you.”
The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.
Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals
The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.
Security Experts Advise Americans To Not Click Anything
A civilian casualty is flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas leader, the entirety of a man’s personal data is protected by a reference to the third season of ‘The West Wing’, and an asexually reproduced sea sponge is worried she’s turning into herself. It's the week of August 8, 2014.
Super Hurricane Said to Be Even More Powerful Than Bogdan, World's Strongest Man
The National Weather Service is warning that Tropical Storm Dennis could rival the strength of Bogdan, with wind louder than his footsteps and waves bigger than his arms.