Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"
The GOOMF guys yell somewhat coherently about a water polo defection, the Cubs' new seven-player "ChicagaZor," and Jeff Saturday wasting away without Peyton Manning.
Earth Down To Last Cubic Meter Of Resources
An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice. It's the week of August 29, 2014.
Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.
GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men
The Republican Party may have an insurmountable lead among young voters who dress and act like they’re already 50 years old.
GM Recalls 600,000 Vehicles For Faulty Car-Detonators
A battleship is awkwardly propped up against the Ferguson Police Department, an area Facebook user is incredibly stupid, and a local mom’s bathing suit is just one giant, body-eclipsing ruffle. It's the week of August 22, 2014.
Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time
In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time.
U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
qHoping to reinforce their fire safety message, the U.S. Forest Service debuted a brand new ad campaign featuring the horrific, preventable death of their beloved mascot Smokey.
Study: Nation's Third-Graders Now Eating At A Ninth-Grade Level
A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. It's the week of August 15, 2014.
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
Technology expert Chris Borden explains that it would be fine to have sexual intercourse with a robot dog because it isn’t a real dog.
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
The new app pinpoints the unique existential angst at the core of each runner’s workout routine. Then it motivates with personalized reminders like, “Your career is stalling out” and “Your family hates you.”