Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million by a smooth-talking con gopher.
GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men
The Republican Party may have an insurmountable lead among young voters who dress and act like they’re already 50 years old.
GM Recalls 600,000 Vehicles For Faulty Car-Detonators
A battleship is awkwardly propped up against the Ferguson Police Department, an area Facebook user is incredibly stupid, and a local mom’s bathing suit is just one giant, body-eclipsing ruffle. It's the week of August 22, 2014.
Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time
In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time.
U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
qHoping to reinforce their fire safety message, the U.S. Forest Service debuted a brand new ad campaign featuring the horrific, preventable death of their beloved mascot Smokey.
Study: Nation's Third-Graders Now Eating At A Ninth-Grade Level
A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. It's the week of August 15, 2014.
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
Technology expert Chris Borden explains that it would be fine to have sexual intercourse with a robot dog because it isn’t a real dog.
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
The new app pinpoints the unique existential angst at the core of each runner’s workout routine. Then it motivates with personalized reminders like, “Your career is stalling out” and “Your family hates you.”
The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.
Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals
The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.