Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of pride in his alma mater, a private academic institution that left him $50,000 in debt and completely unprepared for the current job market, sources confirmed Tuesday.
God Doubts He Could Still Create World In Just 7 Days Anymore
Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. It's the week of August 1, 2014.
Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup
Touting it as their most stylish and advanced beauty product to date, officials from global cosmetics brand Maybelline unveiled Thursday the Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask, a flexible facial covering that can be worn over the head in lieu of makeup.
New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly
Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.
Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. It's the week of July 25, 2014.
Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough
According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest.
World Urges Israelis, Palestinians To Focus Mutual Hatred On Region’s Bahá'í Peoples
Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer. It's the week of July 18, 2014.
Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs
The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest that had tons of cool jumps and ended down by a nasty old creek.
Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
Dozens in California are killed after a powerful Super Rainbow burns a trail of destruction across the state. Meteorologists say Percival is the deadliest rainbow in U.S. history.
The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.