New Romney Ad Claims Candidate Does Not Oppose Women In Cases Of Rape, Incest
Lyndon Johnson pulls ahead in a poll of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients, an area man is on a personal mission to explain why universally enjoyed things are bad, and a poll finds that 100 percent of the nation’s homosexuals prefer the release of the Onion Book of Known Knowledge to the legalization of gay marriage. It’s the week of October 17, 2012.
New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off By Shouting Title Of Book Loudly And Repeatedly
Amazon says the Kindle Flare’s repetitive shouting will appeal to fans of print, who miss the ability to display a book’s cover to strangers.
Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. It's the week of July 25, 2014.
Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough
According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest.
Comic-Con Exclusive: Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals
The super-producer was at Comic-Con this week to show off new clips of the pulse-pounding, penis-heavy Turtle action.
World Urges Israelis, Palestinians To Focus Mutual Hatred On Region’s Bahá'í Peoples
Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer. It's the week of July 18, 2014.
Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs
The legendary bicycle race is on hold after excited riders discovered a secret path through a forest that had tons of cool jumps and ended down by a nasty old creek.
Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
Dozens in California are killed after a powerful Super Rainbow burns a trail of destruction across the state. Meteorologists say Percival is the deadliest rainbow in U.S. history.
The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.
Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron Collider
One year after confirming the existence of the Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,” scientists at CERN say they are struggling to find other uses for the giant particle accelerator.