Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day
The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines to include four servings of someone else’s grains and cereals per day.
The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' in this week's Film Standard.
Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron Collider
One year after confirming the existence of the Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,” scientists at CERN say they are struggling to find other uses for the giant particle accelerator.
The Only Person Who Can Help Me Get A Bus To Yonkers Is You
Our guest speaker’s car broke down and his cell phone is busted. All he needs is $12.45 and he promises to pay you back.
Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up
The price of meat in the U.S. hit a record high this week after the big machine that takes all the cows and smashes them got real clogged up with beef.
SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters' Genetic Code
Video game customization reaches new heights in 'The Elder Scrolls Online' thanks to a feature that allows players to customize their character’s bones, flesh, and nervous system. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
Public Opinion On Net Neutrality Fiercely Divided Into One Side
The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad back. It's the week of June 27, 2014
Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
A report released Friday by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families confirmed that more than three-fourths of overnight campers’ parents are using the opportunity away from their children to reassess their marriages by living separately.
This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
According to a firm statement given Thursday by the institution’s staff, this is the final offer that the Minnesota State Museum is going to make for the brown living room sofa used on the hit 1970s sitcom The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.