Why Having an Affair Made Me a Better Mother
When I was single, I swore I’d never settle for less than I deserved. So when I married Brandon, I was confident I had found someone with whom I could build a life based on love and respect. And of course, the biggie: no cheating. My father had cheated on my mother and they’d split when I was young. Because of that, trust and honesty in a relationship were critical to me and infidelity was a deal breaker. Brandon understood this, so armed with what I thought was a mutual understanding, we began our future together.
In our early years together, I’ll admit that I overlooked some red flags. Brandon was handsome, charming, and overprotective although that protection sometimes came off as possessiveness. He was so passionate about pursuing a career in the arts that I decided to refocus my own artistic goals, knowing we needed a stable income if we were to start a family. Sometimes we fought, and at times Brandon could be mean and dismissive of my feelings, but all couples argue, so I didn’t overthink it. We had a good relationship, despite our ups and downs.
Five years into our marriage, when I was eight months pregnant, I discovered that Brandon had been having an affair for several months with a co-worker, after he accidentally left his email open. I was shocked and I began questioning everything about our relationship and, most dangerously, about myself. I knew that I should leave him, that I couldn’t move past this. But what would happen to me and our baby if I left? Could I start over now? Did I deserve this? I didn’t have the courage to find the answers, so I stayed.
STORY: How I Revive My Marriage Every Year, No Kids Invited
The only explanation Brandon could offer was that he “liked the attention.” He was full of reassurances that it was a “mistake” and promised that he loved me. I wanted so desperately to believe him, and was so scared of what divorce would mean for me and our baby, that I convinced myself that we could be the exception to my “deal-breaker” rule. I’d be the perfect wife so Brandon wouldn’t think about another woman again. I busied myself preparing for our baby’s arrival, making our house into a home. I cooked, did laundry, and cleaned, confident these actions would solidify my worth as a wife and woman. If everything external were organized and perfect, somehow the rest would be OK. Because this marriage — no, this life — was going to work out just as I’d planned.
STORY: How a Baby Changes Your Sex Life
The years that followed are a blur. I worked a stressful 9-to-5 county job that provided us benefits, gave birth to a second child, and ran our household, allowing Brandon to follow his dream in the arts. I kept myself so busy that I became numb to my emotions. Then I reconnected with an old friend, Ryan, and everything changed.
We reconnected through social media in the typical “Wow! What are you up to?” way. At first, I thought we’d just be friends — we were both married with children and lived in different cities. An affair never even crossed my mind. Besides, there was no way I’d ever put Brandon or another woman, another wife, through the pain I’d experienced.
Our affair began several years after our first email exchange. Eventually, emails turned to texts, texts to calls, and suddenly we both had crossed an emotional line. We talked about everything and, for the first time in years, I felt heard. Ryan reminded me of who I was and of all the dreams I had put on hold so my husband could follow his. We knew each other’s histories and demons, and we accepted each other completely. He made me feel more beautiful than anyone ever has. And the sex — my God. Before Ryan, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel wanted or worthy.
Drawing on my renewed confidence, I began expressing to Brandon what I’d been suppressing for years — how alone I felt, that I had been trying so desperately to be who I thought he wanted that I felt lost and I needed his support to find my way back. I begged him to go to marriage counseling and explained that our sex life needed frequency and openness. I needed his help with the kids and for our family to come first. Brandon claimed to hear me but continued to bail on family events and prioritize his career.
I went running back to Ryan and this time, it became a full-blown affair. We found ways to meet in different cities and on nights Brandon worked late and the kids were asleep, we communicated via Skype.
Our affair lasted almost two years and ended when Ryan confessed to his wife after my sister, unbeknownst to me, threatened to do it for him. I told Brandon too. He was shocked, angry, hurt, and humiliated, unsure if he could forgive me but worried that I’d leave him. He wanted answers, just as I had years before, but, unlike him, I could explain how I got there. We finally started therapy, took responsibility for our betrayals, and, at first, I thought we’d get through it. But ultimately, nothing had really changed — except that I knew my worth again. I filed for divorce.
Cheating didn’t give me a cliché happy ending; it gave me much more. Before the affair, I had the husband, the kids, the house, but it was a façade because Brandon and I weren’t in love. My affair, however, showed me that feeling desired breaths life into us, that sex and passion are part of what being in love is. That my opinion matters and that I’m deserving of respect and happiness.
Society tells us that once we commit to a marriage, only the most egregious sins should be cause to break that union. But in truth, there isn’t always a terrible, distinct reason to end a marriage. Sometimes people just aren’t happy, in ways that really matter. It may turn out that the person you’re with stopped being right for you or never was, and you meet someone who shows you that. And while that’s difficult and sad, especially with kids involved, it’s also lucky. I’d become so unhappy in my marriage that I couldn’t really enjoy my time with my kids. Worse, they had begun internalizing my unhappiness, mistakenly believing it had to do with them. By separating, Brandon and I can better ensure that our children feel loved and secure even under different roofs.
People say that some couples can survive affairs; maybe they can, but I’ve never seen it. After Brandon’s affair, our marriage was profoundly broken and we were living a lie. I might’ve kept living that way forever, had I not gotten a glimpse into how things could be. Now I’m strong enough to never settle for less again; for these things, I will forever be grateful. The strength I didn’t have when I found out about my husband’s affair, I found through my own.
(Photo: Getty Images)
Editor’s note: This essay has been written under a pseudonym and all names have been changed due to the sensitivity of the subject matter.
Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? Email us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.
