Woman Questions Future With Unaffectionate Man

LW#1 I understand the wife's feelings and she doesn't have to live like that. But I also think that the way the husband was raised or so could've compromised him emotionally. I don't think that he means to be selfish as the implication I'm getting from some commentors here, but of course it is something that he will have to learn to overcome. He must be at least ready to make the effort. The wife may have to support him in his efforts to become more 'emotionally assertive' for a while. Abby's on the right track but I think she needs to emphasize that he may need some sort of encouragement on making the effort as well.

LW#3: Agreed! Some of these brides are ridiculous. They're so focused on every detail being perfect that they turn what's supposed to be a happy time into a miserable one!

LW1. Aside from the lack of hug and affection, how does Dan treat you? Does he treat you with respect, always there for you, share your view points, etc? If yes, then he 'DOES LOVE YOU', and what he had been telling you is true. Like Dan, I do not hug my wife when I get home and sometime I feel uncommortable holding hands in public. Its not that I do not want to hold my wifes hand but its that that I somehow feel view and it give me the shiver at times. But do I love my wife ... an easy yes. I DO. Now the question is, which is more important to you, the affections or Dan because this is not something that Dan can easily change. Only you have the answer to that and if affections what something you really crave, you and Dan needs to move on your separate way because this relationship will not work.

To the man who wants his wife to exercise-ask for her company. Tell her you really enjoy exercising more with her than alone. Say something that works to make her feel pretty. Use your charm to pull her in. Tell her what you told Abby-that you want her to be around for a long time. She'll understand and appreciate that.

I certainly understand this letter writer’s perspective! I came from very demonstrative people on both sides of my family. I have always been used to my father giving me good strong hugs and my mother’s gentle and reassuring touch when it was needed. When my husband and I started dating I told him it was a deal breaker to not give warm, caring physical contact on a regular basis. For that matter physical contact is a required psychological component of healthy development and relationships. Ever hear of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?

It is a point that people I have met who are deeply resistant to being touched or find it uncomfortable, invasive, or offensive are usually upon long time observation cold and give very little of themselves. It is as if they feel that being touched is akin to being attacked or invasive. I’m not talking about finding clinging vines annoying. For women it is not unusual for them to have been abused in some way. For men it is usually that they had it withheld growing up as “unmanly” or they develop a fear of “unmanliness.” Sex is NOT intimacy. It is only a physical act. This is a very hard thing to get across to those who abuse, frequently unknowingly, by withholding a primary human need!

L#2: Sounds to me like he hasn't made HIS WIFE a priority in his life. I've known lots of people who were so health conscious they died while exercising -- or were run over by a vehicle they didn't notice while they were counting their heartbeats. If he really loved the woman, he'd have thought of sharing time with her a long time ago instead of carping at her about HIS fanatic devotion to exercising.

these people are all proof common sense is not so common!

I was curious so I looked it up...Pushing a lawn mower burns about as many calories as using an elliptical.

1. Cut Dan a break. I will defend him on this one. I'm not trying to throw a blanket statement over everybody because I know you have variables in there. But for the most part I do believe you pick up stuff from the environment you were raised in. If you were raised in a home and your parents barely got along or didn't get along--well, I do believe you pick up some scars along with it.

You're not going to be able to change Dan. I sincerely doubt tomorrow he will wake up and be all over you. Dan deserves to be with somebody that's okay with how he acts. If you can't do that, perhaps it's time to end the relationship?

LW3 - Of course it's absolutely important. The reality show industry depends on that behavior.

No hugs: showing no effect it's hard but like I said give it a chance we all love differently but yes we all do need to show it at times actions speak louder than words !!

No cuddles no hugs I feel maybe u should speak to him and let him knowmhow u feel and that it's a problem and give hima chance to change his way's ,maybe there was a part of his life where he never received what your showing and giving your love maybe he never had that and feels he doesn't need to do the sametont purposely but some ppl were raised like that.don't give up easily try beforemu make a decision

2. Oh brother. This ties into letter one imo. The only case that can be made is this one "Honey, I want us to be together for a long time. We both have to look after each other and do all we can so we can be together." And leave it at that. She will do what she wants to do with it. And I honestly doubt you really love her for who she is after that "I make exercise a priority in my life, but I can't get her to understand that she should, too." That comment really rubbed me the wrong way as well. And please don't nag either. Nothing drives me crazier than people nagging at each other.

LW#1: If Dan is so sparing of affection, I wonder how you moved in together. Showing affection comes pretty naturally for happy couples. If he grew up in an undemonstrative household, counseling might help. If some other issue is involved, such as his being not that into you, then you need to cut your losses and find someone who can give you the affection that you need and that you enter a relationship for.

No hugs, no cuddles-- I've lived that marriage for 17 years and now have three kids, I'm lonely but can't date. I'm lonely but he doesn't understand. I'm stuck, it sucks. Head out while you can.

Regarding LW#1: It is much easier to move on to someone with whom you are more compatible when you're not shacking up. There are billions of men in the world. Find one you like better, and't don't shack up.

LW#2... You say exercise is a priority in your life, so maybe you are walking, weight lifting, etc too much and neglecting the very best kind of exercise; that which takes place in the bedroom. It's not only good for the body , but good for the soul.

I see that Abby the hypocrite is at it again issuing affirmative proactive advice to female writers and the typical walk on eggshells passive dictation to the male writers. Then again this complaint forum is usually skewed for female entertainment. Who would of thought.

I haven't been a fan of the gym myself because I found it to be so boring. However, I have found an activity (Taiko) I do enjoy that is a great source of exercise - I have lost weight and gotten stronger since I started doing it. I think the husband ought to explore other activities and try to find one that his wife will enjoy also.

LW3: I'm not sure I agree with Abby on this. Greater than 50% marriage failure rate agrees with me. From what I've observed, far too much emphasis is placed these days on the ceremony, and not enough on the relationship.