10 reasons why Mississippi summers are the worst
Jul. 8—I have previously written about my hatred for Mississippi summers. In light of the triple-digit temps we hit last weekend, allow me to list 10 reasons why summer is awful.
1. Ever climbed inside a heated oven? Sure you have — after your car has been sitting out in the sun all day at work. Your seat has been set to broil, and somewhere, Hannibal Lecter's mouth is watering.
2. A/C units are putting in more overtime than a junior lawyer. They're working like they have five mouths to feed and the bank's about to foreclose. Let us all take a moment to thank God for Willis Carrier, the great American who invented modern air conditioning.
3. Think you've been drinking enough water? Wrong. Step outside for five minutes at lunch and you'll feel like you've been on the set of "Lawrence of Arabia" for a week. Stay out there longer than five minutes, and you'll end up looking for the camel that's carrying your canteen. This happened to me the other day and I ended up trying to drink out of a Jeep's gas tank.
4. There are mosquitoes, and then there are Mississippi mosquitoes. They're so big, you'd think they migrated from Chernobyl. They can only be killed with fire or a small-caliber rifle. You can try smacking a skeeter when it's on your arm, but chances are it will hit you back with a vicious uppercut and then suck the blood from the open cut on your chin.
Please keep an eye on your children, lest they be carried away by a swarm. These critters are ruthless. Just ask any vampire who's been forced to pay "protection money" to a mob of skeeters because "we wouldn't want to see anything bad happen to your familiar."
5. I enjoy a steaming cup of coffee in the morning, but it doesn't pair well with a 110-degree heat index at 9 a.m. During the most recent heat wave, I actually broke down and bought a Basic White Girl drink (frozen mocha) at Strange Brew.
6. Grass has a nasty habit of growing during the summer, which means it needs frequent cutting. We pay a neighbor kid to mow our lawn, and it's well worth the money because I don't feel like dying of a heatstroke.
All joking aside, heatstroke is a big threat in this kind of weather. I heard of a fella who fell out and died at a construction site the other day. I don't know if companies have a policy about not letting employees work outdoors when it's too hot, but they should.
7. If you must work outside at home — mowing, doing repairs, or whatever — you can just cool down with the water hose, right? Nope, sorry, it's only spewing lava right now.
8. You've gotta watch out for snakes, who are also trying to beat the heat. Going for a dip in Cottonmouth Creek? Sure, great idea, idiot. I used to do that growing up and somehow never got bit, but I was a young boy, and young boys are stupid.
9. Having a July Fourth cookout sounds like great fun until you're the one standing over a hot grill. It's like going to hell and asking one of the demon guards to breathe on you. On the other hand, if you're convinced St. Peter has erased your name from the Book of Life, then at least you'll have an idea of what to expect on the other side.
10. Even when you're inside and have the thermostat set to 67 and the A/C is pumping that sweet cold air throughout the house, the stickiness of a Mississippi summer can still be felt. When you stand up from a chair, you realize your back is slick with sweat. There is no real relief.
The best you can do is stay hydrated and pray for an early winter.
BRAD LOCKE is senior sports writer for the Daily Journal. Contact him on Twitter @bradlocke or via email at brad.locke@journalinc.com
