After 14 years, these college football bowl jokes aren't getting any funnier
There has been a lot of talk about “opting out” leading up to this college football bowl season.
Coaches opting out for new jobs, players opting out to prepare for the NFL, fans opting out because somehow Shreveport doesn’t capture their imagination.
If that’s what you wimps want to do, fine. But I’m all in, baby.
Because this is my 14th annual bowl jokes column, and nothing stops it. Unless my editors stop it, which hasn’t happened yet and makes me wonder if they are reading this.
The sheer number of bowl games can be overwhelming, so I’ve tried hard to make the sheer number of funny lines underwhelming. Deduct a point every time you chuckle.
Dec. 17, Bahamas Bowl, Middle Tennessee vs. Toledo in Nassau, Bahamas: If you show up in Bermuda shorts, they say, “Wrong island.”
Dec. 17, Tailgreeter Cure Bowl, Northern Illinois vs. Coastal Carolina in Orlando, Fla.: This game promotes awareness and research of breast cancer, so we don’t joke about it.
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Dec. 18, RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl, Appalachian State vs. Western Kentucky in Boca Raton, Fla.: The only bowl that tries to attract local fans with an Early Bird Special.
Dec. 18, Cricket Celebration Bowl, Jackson State vs. South Carolina State in Atlanta: Can that No. 1 recruit Deion Sanders landed this week play in this game?
Dec. 18, PUBG Mobil New Mexico Bowl, Fresno State vs. UTEP in Albuquerque: Don’t worry if these teams look lost. Even Bugs Bunny took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Dec. 18, Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl, BYU vs. UAB in Shreveport, La.: It will always be the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl to me.
Dec. 18, LendingTree Bowl, Eastern Michigan vs. Liberty in Mobile, Ala.: Yet another year goes by with Liberty not in the Liberty Bowl.
Dec. 18, Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl, Oregon State vs. Utah State in Inglewood, Calif.: Everyone in Southern California will wonder what’s going on when both Utah State fans flood into Los Angeles.
Dec. 18, R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, Louisiana vs. Marshall in New Orleans: This is the 20th anniversary of this bowl, and I remember exactly none of them.
Dec. 20, Myrtle Beach Bowl, Tulsa vs. Old Dominion in Conway, S.C.: Doesn’t kick off until 2:30, so you’ve got time for a morning round on one of Myrtle Beach’s 17,000 golf courses.
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Dec. 21, Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, Kent State vs. Wyoming in Boise, Idaho: All teams hope to go somewhere warmer for their bowl game. If you’re from Wyoming, Boise qualifies.
Dec. 21, Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl, UTSA vs. San Diego State in Frisco, Texas: This is where they play the FCS Championship Game, which actually means something.
Dec. 22, Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl, Missouri vs. Army in Fort Worth, Texas: Should be called the Paper Cut Bowl, because you’ll be wrapping Christmas presents while watching it.
Dec. 23, Frisco Football Classic, North Texas vs. Miami (Ohio) in Frisco, Texas: Wait a minute. Less than 48 hours after the Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl, there’s another bowl in Frisco?
Dec. 23, Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl, UCF vs. Florida in Tampa, Fla.: This bowl has entered the transfer portal, in hopes of becoming the Orange Bowl.
Dec. 23, Winn-Dixie Bowl, TCU vs. Illinois in Jacksonville, Fla.: Kickoff may be delayed if TCU gets stuck in the self-checkout line.
Dec. 24, EasyPost Hawaii Bowl, Memphis vs. Hawaii in Honolulu: Offered the chance to stay home for its bowl game, Hawaii said, “Sounds good.” Offered the chance to stay home and play in the Liberty Bowl, Memphis said, “We’ll go to Hawaii.”
Dec. 25, TaxAct Camellia Bowl, Georgia State vs. Ball State in Montgomery, Ala.: The ideal game to watch while filling out your 1993 income taxes.
Dec. 27, Quick Lane Bowl, Western Michigan vs. Nevada in Detroit: Winner gets a free tire rotation. Inflation extra.
Dec. 27, Military Bowl presented by Peraton, Boston College vs. East Carolina in Annapolis, Md.: One of the things Peraton does is satellite communications, so Jeff Bezos should be able to watch this game from his rocket.
Dec. 28, TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl, Houston vs. Auburn: The first of five bowls on this day, so I won’t tell anyone if you skip it.
Dec. 28, ServPro First Responder Bowl, Air Force vs. Louisville in University Park, Texas: Air Force ranks next-to-last nationally in passing offense, which seems weird for a team called Air Force.
Dec. 28, AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Mississippi State vs. Texas Tech in Memphis, Tenn.: If Elvis comes out for the halftime show, call me immediately.
Dec. 28, San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl, UCLA vs. North Carolina State in San Diego: Many San Diego football fans hate Los Angeles because the Chargers moved there. So let’s send UCLA to San Diego and see how they’re received.
Dec. 28, Guaranteed Rate Bowl, West Virginia vs. Minnesota in Phoenix: Also known as the Sunburn Bowl, as fans from both states see that big orange orb for the first time in a couple of months.
Dec. 29, Wasabi Fenway Bowl, SMU vs. Virginia in Boston: The first bowl ever played in Fenway Park will award four points to every field goal that clears the Green Monster.
Dec. 29, New Era Pinstripe Bowl, Maryland vs. Virginia Tech in New York: With kickoff three hours later, it won’t be the first time the Yankees have finished behind the Red Sox.
Dec. 29, Cheez-It Bowl, Clemson vs. Iowa State in Orlando, Fla.: Somebody better tell Clemson’s fans they didn’t make the playoff this season.
Dec. 29, Valero Alamo Bowl, Oregon vs. Oklahoma: For the 14th consecutive year, remember the Alamo, forget this game.
Dec. 30, Duke’s Mayo Bowl, North Carolina vs. South Carolina in Charlotte, N.C.: I’d rather watch East Carolina vs. Western Carolina.
Dec. 30, TransPerfect Music City Bowl, Tennessee vs. Purdue in Nashville, Tenn.: Brings back memories of the 1979 Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl, when Purdue beat Tennessee 27-22 on the Mizlou Television Network.
Dec. 30, Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl, Michigan State vs. Pittsburgh in Atlanta: The drive-thru line starts a half-mile back there.
Dec. 30, SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl, Wisconsin vs. Arizona State in Las Vegas: This game received a major upgrade when a new stadium was built right across from The Strip, allowing fans to get back to the roulette wheels faster.
Dec. 31, TaxSlayer Gator Bowl, Wake Forest vs. Texas A&M in Jacksonville, Fla.: Played in the same stadium where Urban Meyer once beat the Buffalo Bills.
Dec. 31, Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl, Washington State vs. Miami (Fla.) in El Paso, Texas: Two teams from opposite sides of the country meet to battle it out for a bowl of cereal.
Dec. 31, Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl, Central Michigan vs. Boise State in Tucson, Ariz.: If you’re going to fall off of a barstool, Tucson is a warm place to do it.
Dec. 31, CFP Semifinal Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic, Cincinnati vs. Alabama in Arlington, Texas: Much to Goodyear’s chagrin, this is going to be a blowout. Alabama 38, Cincinnati 10.
Dec. 31, CFP Semifinal Capital One Orange Bowl, Georgia vs. Michigan in Miami Gardens, Fla: Jim Harbaugh discovers beating Georgia is even tougher than beating Ohio State. Georgia wins 24-17.
Jan. 1, Outback Bowl, Penn State vs. Arkansas in Tampa, Fla.: The only game that may be decided by a running back slipping on a Bloomin’ Onion.
Jan. 1, Vrbo Citrus Bowl, Iowa vs. Kentucky in Orlando, Fla.: If you’re able, please consider finding an appropriate charity and making a donation to help the tornado victims in Kentucky and neighboring states.
Jan. 1, PlayStation Fiesta Bowl, Notre Dame vs. Oklahoma State in Glendale, Ariz.: Brian Kelly was so excited about this matchup, he left before it was even announced.
Jan. 1, Rose Bowl Game presented by Capital One Venture X, Ohio State vs. Utah in Pasadena, Calif.: If it really is “The Granddaddy of Them All,” why is the No. 2 team in the Big Ten there?
Jan. 1, Allstate Sugar Bowl, Ole Miss vs. Baylor in New Orleans: Baylor is a private, Christian university, so there will be absolutely no alcohol consumption on Bourbon Street.
Jan. 4, TaxAct Texas Bowl, LSU vs. Kansas State in Houston: Ed Orgeron isn’t coaching. Brian Kelly isn’t coaching. So LSU is taking this very seriously.
Jan. 10, CFP National Championship Presented by AT&T, Alabama vs. Georgia in Indianapolis: Alabama wins 21-17 and Texas A&M – the only team to beat the Crimson Tide – declares itself national champion.
As always, I’ll take the Pineapples over the Surfboards in the Hula Bowl, the South in the East-West Shrine Bowl, the Red in the Blue-Gray Bowl, the Juniors over the Sophomores in the Senior Bowl and the Campbell Conference over the Norris Division in the Pro Bowl.
By the way, that Winn-Dixie Bowl isn’t real. I just made it up, but there are so many you probably didn’t notice.
Contact Brad Myers at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow on Twitter: @BradMyersTNJ
This article originally appeared on Delaware News Journal: College football bowl games are ridiculous, and so are these jokes