15 Villains Who Are More F*ckable Than Elon Musk

Here is a list of 15 baddies we rather bone (some literal monsters) than Musk.

Stills; Shutterstock

Girl, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but John Oliver absolutely bodied Elon Musk on “Last Week Tonight” this weekend. The hilarious host spent 30 minutes of his final show this season taking down the billionaire in a way that only he could. Oliver went through the last 12 months of Musk mishaps, which included his handling of Twitter, sorry, X (rolled eyes implied), and his transformation from proto-Tony Stark to, as Oliver put it, a “less fuckable reimagining of Billy Zane’s character in ‘Titanic.’”

Ruthless. But considering that Musk has spent this most recent trip around the sun devolving into an (*allegedly*, for legal reasons) transphobic, antisemitic, right-wing conspiracy theorist with one of the largest bullhorns on the planet, well, we can’t help but cheer Oliver along.

However, it also got the wheels of our imaginations turning. We agree Musk is indeed less fuckable than Caledon Hockley, who, despite looking like Billy freaking Zane at his peak hotness, makes our downstairs want to snap out of existence Thanos style (stay tuned for more Thanos content below). But what other ne’er-do-wells would we get under (or over, not top shaming here) before we let Musk clamber atop us (likely spouting birth rate “factoids” he gleaned in an alleged ketamine and Alex Jones fever dream) and the list was long... like infinitely long. But here are 15 of them.

Godzilla from 'Godzilla Minus One'

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Why? Because ya boy is thiccc, look at that absolute dump truck. Plus, even with nuclear breath, the stuff his spewing out of his mouth is less toxic than you-know-who.

Pizza the Hutt

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Yes, Pizza the Hutt is a sentient pizza who runs an intergalactic crime syndicate, but he's made of protein, carbohydrates, fats, and calcium and is part of a balanced diet. He had nutritional value which means he has value. We’ll let you finish this sentence.

The Sarlacc Pit

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Power bottoms don't get enough respect. ‘Nuff said.

Cersei Lannister

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Our girl may be an incestuous, power-hungry, genocidal nightmare who benefited from family money that was gained through alleged exploitation and manipulation.... Ok so actually now that we think about it, this may be a tie. But Cersei wins by virtue of being actually fuckable, so get in line you sweet summer children, we choose violence.

Skeletor

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This (ironically) muscle queen may be targeting the gayest gay in all of Eternia (we all agree Prince Adam is fam, right?) but have you seen his house? A few mid-century lamps, some soft furnishings, and some area rugs to pull it all together, yeah we could make this work.

Chairface Chippendale

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We would rather sit on this bizarre AF The Tick villain's face — literally.

The Crypt Keeper

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Yes, kiddies we’d rather bone a rotting corpse/dad joke machine than Elon Musk.

Nurse Ratched

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Is she a sadist? Yes. But we’re not here to kink shame. Just Musk shame. Also, her lewks are fierce. Let’s play doctor, erm, nurse.

The Demon Twink

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Y’all remember the Demon Twink who terrorized a Britney Spears boat party in New York City in 2021, right? No, well here’s a refresher: according to DJ Ty Sunderland, he “threw a drink at the DJ equipment, wouldn’t get off the stage unless I stopped the music then the party ended and he’s [somehow] in VIP getting his a-- ate like out in the open. We had to literally tell him to stop and go home!!” He was literal gay chaos. But yes, to answer your question, we’d rather take an entire face full of Demon Twink ass than get down with you-know-who.

Gozer The Gozerian (in any form)

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Much to the chagrin of any Shuvs and Zuuls who knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, we would happily pick Gozer The Gozerian in any form over The Musk. As an '80s power dyke, yep we’re in there. As Stay Puff’d, yep, we are ready to get marshmallow gooped and gagged.

Audrey 2 from 'Little Shop of Horrors'

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This a real Sophie’s Choice. Literal bloodsucker... metaphorical one? Who can choose? Us and we chose Audrey 2. It helps if you like tentacle stuff or vore, probably.

Count Dracula

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The original monstrous billionaire daddy! Yeah, you have to dodge the occasional pitchfork and torch wielding villager, but honestly, that's not really any different than being gay on you-know-who’s social media platform these days anyway — but with more antiques and immortality.

Chet from 'Weird Science'

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Is Chet a literal pile of homophobic shit? Yes, but well... I think you know where we’re going with this.

Thanos

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Edging with being snapped out of existence is more appealing. Someone had to say it. Also, he’s giving intergalactic daddy vibes, so really this is just an excuse to say we would, we so would.

The Xenomorph

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We’re not even sure how this would work but it would probably be over quickly and with a lot less anti-semitic dog whistling. So, yes to fucking a xenomorph.