17 Smash Bros. Characters Ranked By How Much I Want To Smash Them
Salutations. I am here today to undertake a solemn task. The task, you ask? (Ha, that rhymed.) Ranking Super Smash Bros. characters (aka Nintendo characters) based on how much I'd like to smash them.
We're talking OG, Gamecube Smash Bros. Melee here. However, I'm obviously leaving out Young Link, Ness, The Ice Climbers, Pichu, and Mr. Game and Watch, because they're all kids.
It'll be difficult, but someone has to do it. Here is my definitive ranking:
17.Yoshi/Kirby/Jigglypuff/Pikachu
These four are sexless, ageless beings and I do not feel comfortable ranking them anything other than last.
16.Ganondorf
I want to be into Ganondorf, I really do. He's got a great bod. But overall, he looks like The Incredible Hulk had a baby with the Green Goblin and Gollum. I feel like he'd hiss while climaxing.
15.Luigi and Mario
They're tied because, as brothers, it's only right. Maybe it's the height and the mustaches and the fact that they wear the first letter of their names on their hats, but I really can't see them in a sexual manner.
14.Bowser
If we're going with non-human characters, Bowser sure has some masculine energy. But I prefer Donkey Kong. I feel like Donkey Kong has more potential to be a generous lover, while Bowser is definitely just an alpha male.
13.Falco
Falco's got a great smize, and those brows?? Something about it is just hot to me. The beak and weird feather fingers, though, unfortunately rank him toward the end.
12.Donkey Kong
He'd definitely be higher if he wasn't an anthropomorphic gorilla. Unfortunately, he loses points for that. But a human version of Donkey Kong?? Sign me up.
11.Mewtwo
Mewtwo's not with the other weird alien-like characters because...there's just something different about him. Don't judge me. It's not so different from The Shape of Water, and you all thought that was sexy.
10.Fox
Okay, so Fox reminds me of Nick from Zootopia, and we ALL KNOW Nick is hot. Don't pretend he's not. Still, the tail's a bit of a turn-off for me.
9.Peach
Peach is a classic hottie, but I'm kind of grossed out that she goes for Mario, who is obviously ranked low. Plus, there's the whole constantly being kidnapped thing. Is it really worth it?
8.Roy
Roy is cute, but he reminds me of Marth and Link, but like...worse. I wish his hair was more of a natural red rather than Ariana Grande's color in Victorious. He's cool and all, but I'd definitely forget his name the next morning.
7.Dr. Mario
Mario? Eh. Dr. Mario??? Yum. A medical degree makes all the difference, y'all. And that white suit??? I'd sure love to peel it off.
6.Samus
Samus is a total badass. Some may fear some heavy machinery in the bedroom, but hey, if you're taking no machinery into the bedroom, it may be time to rethink.
5.Captain Falcon
That chiseled jawline could kill. However, I feel like he's a scarf-on-during-sex kind of guy, and I'm not into that. He'd value efficiency a little too highly as well.
4.Marth
Marth looks like Link's emo cousin, and I'm here for it. I don't feel like he'd be a good life partner, but just to smash? 100%.
3.Zelda/Sheik
Zelda alone is hot as hell, but Sheik??? There's nothing hotter than an alter ego. She knows how to handle herself and she can role-play. It doesn't get much better than that.
2.Master Hand
Nintendo / GamersPrey / YouTube / Via youtube.com
There is something so sexy about that gloved hand. I don't know, nor do I care about where it came from or what it is. That finger dexterity...I don't think I need to say any more here.
1.And finally, coming in at number 1...Link!!!
OBVIOUSLY, Link is first. There's no contest here. He's romantic, daring, and brave, and you just know he'd be good in bed. He could go alll night.
