20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (June 20 - July 3)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 20 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
marriage is a sacred union between a person who drinks water and another person who refills their water for them and also their own
— shereen (@shereeny) June 20, 2023
marriage is a sacred union between a person who drinks water and another person who refills their water for them and also their own
— shereen (@shereeny) June 20, 2023 ">
Marriage is so weird. Like, how can I feel such blind rage towards someone who doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry hamper while simultaneously have him be the only person in the world I trust to search my entire body for ticks.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 29, 2023
Marriage is so weird. Like, how can I feel such blind rage towards someone who doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry hamper while simultaneously have him be the only person in the world I trust to search my entire body for ticks.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 29, 2023 ">
If my wife and I start a movie after 8PM it becomes a two night mini-series.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 20, 2023
If my wife and I start a movie after 8PM it becomes a two night mini-series.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 20, 2023 ">
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 30, 2023
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 30, 2023 ">
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I'm certain that I made the right phone choice
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 28, 2023
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I'm certain that I made the right phone choice
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 28, 2023 ">
Keep your marriage spicy by packing lunches together and pretending you’re on a celebrity cooking show.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 28, 2023
Keep your marriage spicy by packing lunches together and pretending you’re on a celebrity cooking show.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 28, 2023 ">
Get married so that you can get home early from work and overhear your loving wife tell her mom “Let me call you back, he’s back early and I need to mentally prepare for this level of annoyance.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 30, 2023
Get married so that you can get home early from work and overhear your loving wife tell her mom “Let me call you back, he’s back early and I need to mentally prepare for this level of annoyance.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 30, 2023 ">
"I can give you TV time alone tonight" is literally the sexiest text you can get from your spouse
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) June 23, 2023
"I can give you TV time alone tonight" is literally the sexiest text you can get from your spouse
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) June 23, 2023 ">
My husband just watched the Great Gatsby and keeps calling everyone old sport, and I did not have dealing with that on my list for this week
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 27, 2023
My husband just watched the Great Gatsby and keeps calling everyone old sport, and I did not have dealing with that on my list for this week
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 27, 2023 ">
*Me dressing up*
Me: Do these match? I don’t want to look stupid.
Wife: Well, that ship has sailed.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 27, 2023
*Me dressing up*
Me: Do these match? I don’t want to look stupid.
Wife: Well, that ship has sailed.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 27, 2023 ">
Me: Do these match? I don’t want to look stupid.
Wife: Well, that ship has sailed.
My husband normally goes to Planet Fitness but he's trying a new gym today and he's live texting me his experience. pic.twitter.com/dIPUy47XL0
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 29, 2023
My husband normally goes to Planet Fitness but he's trying a new gym today and he's live texting me his experience. pic.twitter.com/dIPUy47XL0
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 29, 2023 ">
my husband said the way the new bathroom fan works is “interesting” and i said “is it though?” and now he’s explaining in full detail as i prepare to hurl myself into the sun
— nika (@nikalamity) June 26, 2023
my husband said the way the new bathroom fan works is “interesting” and i said “is it though?” and now he’s explaining in full detail as i prepare to hurl myself into the sun
— nika (@nikalamity) June 26, 2023 ">
My husband's back is softer and smoother than mine and frankly I think that should be illegal
— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) June 26, 2023
My husband's back is softer and smoother than mine and frankly I think that should be illegal
— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) June 26, 2023 ">
I told my husband to wake me up at 5:30 and he actually did and oh boy is he in trouble.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 26, 2023
I told my husband to wake me up at 5:30 and he actually did and oh boy is he in trouble.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 26, 2023 ">
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 24, 2023
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 24, 2023 ">
I just told my husband in a VERY DISTRESSED tone that I stepped on a slug on my way back inside and I was barefoot and traumatized and he said to me
“RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”— emily (@emilykmay) June 26, 2023
I just told my husband in a VERY DISTRESSED tone that I stepped on a slug on my way back inside and I was barefoot and traumatized and he said to me
“RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”
— emily (@emilykmay) June 26, 2023 ">
“RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) June 25, 2023
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) June 25, 2023 ">
Me: “We need to leave here no later than 11am.”
Also me: Showers, gets dressed, gets both kids ready and dressed, teeth brushed, ready to go by 10:50.
Husband: Gets in shower at 10:57— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 22, 2023
Me: “We need to leave here no later than 11am.”
Also me: Showers, gets dressed, gets both kids ready and dressed, teeth brushed, ready to go by 10:50.
Husband: Gets in shower at 10:57
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 22, 2023 ">
Also me: Showers, gets dressed, gets both kids ready and dressed, teeth brushed, ready to go by 10:50.
Husband: Gets in shower at 10:57
Lesbian at the grocery store: I hope this isn’t weird but would you like to maybe get a coffee some time?
Me: Oh! Oh! No, I’m married! To a woman, I mean! You’re reading that part right! Spot on! Excellent gaydar! Nice! High five!
Lesbian: Damn. Nicest rejection ever.— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 25, 2023
Lesbian at the grocery store: I hope this isn’t weird but would you like to maybe get a coffee some time?
Me: Oh! Oh! No, I’m married! To a woman, I mean! You’re reading that part right! Spot on! Excellent gaydar! Nice! High five!
Lesbian: Damn. Nicest rejection ever.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 25, 2023 ">
Me: Oh! Oh! No, I’m married! To a woman, I mean! You’re reading that part right! Spot on! Excellent gaydar! Nice! High five!
Lesbian: Damn. Nicest rejection ever.
Are you happily married or did you just watch your hubby tiptoeing backwards outta the corner of your eye like a cartoon rabbit bc a container of blueberries spilled all over the floor
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 21, 2023
