20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Jan. 30 - Feb. 5)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husbands looking to reignite the spark in your marriage, have you tried getting her a giant weird named ice coffee and then taking her to shop for a new spring wreath?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2024
If my wife doesn't want to hold my stuff, why the big purse?
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) February 1, 2024
Don’t let people tell you marriage is boring.
Yesterday the wife and I flipped the dryer door so it opened the opposite way and it was thrilling.— N.J. Gallegos is colder than a witch’s tit ❄️🥶 (@DrSpooky_ER) February 1, 2024
My wife and I didn’t renew our vows but we did solve our third grader’s math problem together.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 31, 2024
When you’ve been married for 25 years, if your husband says to you “come here, I want to show you something.” Don’t get too excited.
It’s just to look at an elaborate spreadsheet of your finances.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 1, 2024
Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024
Me: Are you going to trim the hedges?
Husband: You want me to manscape?
Me: No, the actual hedges, weirdo!— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 1, 2024
My husband informed me he can't have any watermelon popsicles tonight because he now has mouth sores from the entire box he ate last night. Someone we know saw my tweets about this and texted him today that his friend helped make these. Sky responded "my compliments to the chef."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 3, 2024
The one who says it first gets to rest. This is the unwritten marriage rule when both fall sick
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 2, 2024
Wife [walking into room]: OMG DID YOU FART IN HERE?!?
Me: I feel like you already know the answer to this.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024
My wife's making me take the Christmas wreaths off the house. Rude. It's only February.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 2, 2024
Corporate gifts SUCK. No, my husband doesn’t need yet another water bottle with your logo on it.
— 💀SpookyLittleComic👻 (@CunniLinguist77) February 2, 2024
The best part of being married is if I don’t want to do something I say “Ah I do need to check with my husband about it.” And people are like “Oh yes of course the patriarchy is very important I would never want you to not ask your husband carry on.”
— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) February 4, 2024
Just me making weird polite conversation with my husband in the backseat so our Uber driver doesn’t think we have a troubled marriage.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) February 2, 2024
Any family law attorneys out there? My wife turned off a Beatles song in the car. I just want to confirm that this grounds for divorce.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) February 1, 2024
One of the dads at my daughter’s birthday party told me he’s introverted and I thought “Oh perfect, I should introduce you to my introverted husband!” but then quickly realized why no one would thank me if I did
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) February 5, 2024
My wife just said "while you were outside having a hot flash," casual as you please, and I laughed so loud because I could never have imagined living to be middle age and with a whole wife! I wish little 12-year-old me could see us now, beach clothes in 36-degree weather and all.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) January 30, 2024
Are you a mature adult or are you a mature adult who pretends they need their husband to hold an annoyingly large bag for “just one second,” in order that you’re no longer carrying it?
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) February 2, 2024
My husband just reached top tier ADHD.
I sent him to the store to get garlic bread & he came home with spoons.— Kelly (@kelly__le) February 1, 2024
My wife told me she was gonna take a relaxing bath so 15 mins into it I opened the door and asked her if she needed anything and boy lemme tell y’all that was a mistake.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 1, 2024