20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Feb. 13-19)

Kelsey Borresen
·5 min read
3

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

On the next "Unsolved Mysteries:"

My wife and I investigate how there aren't enough hangers for the clothes we just washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 15, 2024 ">

Me: What are you doing? Get up! They’ll be here in fifteen minutes. Help me clean.

Husband: Who’s coming over?

Me: The housekeepers!

— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) February 19, 2024 ">

My husband and I tell each other I love you more and then roll over to the edges of our bed as far away from each other as possible.

— Disheveled Mom (@wittysnuggles) February 17, 2024 ">

Taylor and Travis better be the real deal because if they ever break up, my wife will be so emotionally devastated that I’m frightened about the possible ramifications for our own relationship

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 13, 2024 ">

My husband made me mad so I bought a few things from IKEA so he can assemble them until the day he dies.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) February 13, 2024 ">

Told my husband I was going to Target for a few things and he said “like what” and wow, rude

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 19, 2024 ">

My husband and I have been married for “Let’s just get each other cards instead of Valentine gifts” years.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 14, 2024 ">

i believe in traditional marriage. the husband should provide the material for the wife to write the personal essays about

— katie kadue (@kukukadoo) February 17, 2024 ">

Every year husband makes me "swear" I won't do anything for Valentine's Day because he won't have time to get me a gift. Then he gets me a gift and I look like a monster and he thinks it's funny. Fortunately this year he said he's too busy to pull that again so I'm off the hook.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 14, 2024 ">

My husband is the most free hearted person I know. He’s going to buy the best when he buys you something. But baby it be the smallest fees that sends him.

Me sending him to the deli for a bagel:

Him seeing strawberry cream cheese is .75 more: “GAH DAMN”

I just… 😭

— Princess (@themultiplemom) February 17, 2024 ">

Husband and I separately bought the kids the same chocolate lollipops today “for no reason,” which means we secretly stopped at the same chocolate shop, which means we’ll probably give each other the same box of chocolates tomorrow. We’re like a zero-drama Gift of the Magi.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 13, 2024 ">

My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 15, 2024 ">

No man is more surprised than the man whose wife tells him about the plans they have that night for the third time.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 18, 2024 ">

My husband asked me how to clear his google search history and at first I said google it lol and then immediately grabbed his laptop to look at his search history. And before you come for me for not being a trusting, doting wife I urge you to watch just one episode of Dateline.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 17, 2024 ">

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Hold on. I'm in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 15, 2024 ">

My husband just said, 'I guess you’re always right!' and I, for one, am happy to hear him finally acknowledge it.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 15, 2024 ">

I am my most ninja-like when my wife is still sleeping peacefully on weekend mornings, as I try to soundlessly slip out of the bedroom. While, on the rare occasions that I get to sleep in, she manages to leave the room with all the quiet grace of a 1970s Led Zeppelin hotel visit.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 17, 2024 ">

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap.

Last night I threw a tantrum because we ran out of ocean salt facial scrub and are running low on the mango scented pumice stone.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 14, 2024 ">

My husband is helping with the chores by sweeping out the garage even though that’s literally never been on my To Do list, but good job, babe.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 12, 2024 ">

Whenever my husband surprises me with a kind gesture, I can't help but wonder what he's hiding or trying to make up for.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 13, 2024 ">

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