20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Jan. 2-8)

Kelsey Borresen
·5 min read
2

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My husband got mistaken for Ted Cruz again last night. The person asked if he could take his picture with him and my husband said, “I would love to but we are in a really big hurry. We have a flight to Cancun.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 6, 2024 ">

Wife is going out tonight .... anyone want to come over and sit on the other end of the couch and talk during a movie.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 7, 2024 ">

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we no longer feel the need to say “See you later, love you” when either of us leaves the house. Instead, I now say “Try not to miss me” and she responds with “I won’t”.

It’s true love.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 5, 2024 ">

Got my wife a Stanley Yelnats cup by accident and now she has to carry someone up a mountain

— Hannah Posts (@HannahPosted) January 7, 2024 ">

Me; The whole point of mozzarella sticks is that they’re a vehicle for marinara sauce.

My wife: Uh, I disagree. The whole point of mozzarella sticks is the fucking cheese!

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) January 3, 2024 ">

Every morning when I wake up and notice my husband stole the blankets again, I say to myself “Off sides. Five yard penalty.”

— Starring Michelle 💚 (@starringmichell) January 8, 2024 ">

My husband has just started playing dungeons and dragons for the day so I guess we're doing this in 2024 too

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 6, 2024 ">

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024 ">

Foreplay after 40 is texting your wife photos of walk-in closets.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 5, 2024 ">

Me: My head is killing me

My husband: Are you drinking enough water?
———
Me: I think I sprained my ankle slipping on the ice

Also my husband: Are you drinking enough water?

— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) January 3, 2024 ">

Wife watching Batman for the first time

Wife: Gotham seems… unsafe.

— N.J. Gallegos be chilling ❄️🥶 (@DrSpooky_ER) January 5, 2024 ">

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 5, 2024 ">

My wife and daughter were arguing about something or another and my daughter was like “daddy will you tell her” and I don’t know what made her think I’m getting in the middle of it so no thanks.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 6, 2024 ">

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 2, 2024 ">

Just learned that our city’s indoor soccer complex sells draft beer so next I gotta convince my wife how rewarding indoor soccer would be for our son.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 7, 2024 ">

Wife: Why did you just roll up into that blanket like a human burrito? Are you getting a fever?

Me: No! It’s lesbian angst!

Wife: Your own or fictional characters?

Me, tossing my Kindle: Fictional characters!

Wife, handing my Kindle back: Okay then. Carry on.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) January 5, 2024 ">

Me: Did you use my expensive shampoo again?

*slow motion hair whip like an 80s Pantene commercial*

Husband: “Don't hate me because I’m beautiful.”

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 5, 2024 ">

We bought a dishwasher because my wife and I disagreeing over how to properly load it was missing in our marriage.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 6, 2024 ">

Hubs gives me the best compliments, “You don’t look at all swashbuckling.”

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 4, 2024 ">

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 4, 2024 ">

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