The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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Crazy that I’m the only one at this bar with a glass of champagne AND a Tupperware full of chicken pot pie left overs. How often does that happen?
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 10, 2018
my beautiful dark twisted pending transactions
— t (@radioheadass) December 9, 2018
if I’m not married in the next 5 years I’m gonna make a wedding registry for me and my dog
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) December 10, 2018
I have exactly ONE (1) opening for a new friend in 2019. Requirements include: eating as fast as me
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 13, 2018
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and I’m like, “Honestly, just hit up the gourmet cheese section in the deli and go wild.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 13, 2018
weird how there aren’t any christmas songs about paying all those christmas bills in january
— Ziwe (@ziwe) December 13, 2018
Welcome to your 40s, you’re too tired to go on an adventure of a lifetime now.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 12, 2018
not trying to brag or anything but i can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) December 12, 2018
5 stages of going to Target:
-Denial
-Anger
-Bargaining
-wow, 3 bucks for cute socks!
-oh cool I just spent $600— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 10, 2018
wow wow wow just witnessed a tween yell at another tween “IF YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME YOU HAVE TO TELL ME! I DESERVE TO KNOW!” and this is the energy I’m taking into 2019. God bless the Brooklyn tweens
— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) December 13, 2018
I'm ready to go home now.
- me, 5 mins into anything— Cats Against Humanity (@CatsVsHumanity) December 12, 2018
Age 7: I hope Santa brings me a bike, toys, and candy!
Age 37: I new spatula would be great. Maybe some printer ink, or even an avocado or two.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 13, 2018
I'm thinking about Kate McKinnon 90% of the time.
— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) December 13, 2018
recipe: 2 cloves of garlic
me: got it pic.twitter.com/imUsstSnGt— nicole tersigni (@nicsigni) December 12, 2018
Shame and secrets are corrosive to the soul. So fine, yes, I have listened to that album where college acapella choirs sing Ben Folds songs many times. MANY times.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) December 11, 2018
According to every Christmas movie, Santa literally won’t (CAN’T!) do his job unless enough people believe in him and tbh I strive for that level of confidence with my self care.
— madds (@whatmaddness) December 13, 2018
when oysters get stuck in traffic they call it a pearl jam ok have a merry christmas, everyone
— kim christmas (@KimmyMonte) December 10, 2018
A group of mediocre guys is called an improv show
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 10, 2018
Setting your Netflix show up 5 mins before your food is gonna be delivered >>>. Peak organisational skills. Ready to start a family
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) December 14, 2018
“How should I dress for this holiday party?” I ask.
“It’s casual.”
“Casual how?” I ask. “Like…do they have seasonal lights up?”
“Yep.”
“Ugly x-mas sweater it is.”
“A single white candle in each window.”
“Cream cashmere top with a delicate gold cross necklace it is,” I say.— batkaren (@batkaren) December 12, 2018
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.