my 6yo wanted to pretend they were toddlers and my 8yo wanted to pretend they could drive so they compromised by saying "let's just pretend it's the 80's when toddlers could drive cuz kids could do anything in the 80's"

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 21, 2023

Me: (making my protein shake)
8: what are you doin?
Me: making my shake.
8: why
Me: because it makes me strong.
8: no it doesn't.
Me: I am.
8: no you're not.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 24, 2023

My son saying he’s not doing anything bad in the other room is really not helping his case.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 23, 2023

Toddlers be like no I don’t want that chicken its yucky but I will eat this handful of dirt when you’re not looking.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) March 23, 2023

My daughter is texting me in acronyms again and I can actually feel my body decaying

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 23, 2023

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) March 16, 2023

Nobody:

My 6yo noticing the crockpot soaking in the sink: "Wait, we have a cauldron?"

— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) March 18, 2023

I was at my kid’s elementary school yesterday and noticed one lonely crumpled sock on a chair in a hallway. They don’t even change shoes at school.

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 24, 2023

Parenting is mostly just making sure your kids only need *a little* therapy because of you

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 21, 2023

my kid, who lost his water bottle, glove, and one shoe asked for a cellphone

“So I can call the office and ask if anyone has seen my stuff”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 22, 2023

My kids kept tripping on a shoe and I, like a responsible dad and husband, moved that shoe to eliminate the trip hazard but perfectly placed it where it’s still visible for my wife to clean up later.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 21, 2023

My kids: Have the easiest lives ever with constant entertainment and everything they could ever want
My kids when asked to smile for photos: Look as if they’re growing up in a Depression-era shanty town

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 22, 2023

I yawned and my kid told me I need a billion coffee, so I guess I do have a favorite

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 23, 2023

At my baby shower years ago, someone told me I was having a best friend for life. This morning my daughter stole my mascara and told me I dress like Adam Sandler in case you’re wondering how that special friendship is progressing

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 22, 2023

7, snuggling against me and inhaling:

“I didn’t know women could also get B.O. too.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 24, 2023

Told my son that since he likes science, maybe he’d be a scientist, and he asked if “lunchist” and “recessist” were jobs.

— Birdie Girl (@BirdiePanda) March 23, 2023

Before kids: “My KiDs WiLL eAt wHaT I GiVe ThEm.”

Two kids in: “What do you want for lunch? A bowl of ketchup with a side of melted ice cream? Ok, here you go.”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 23, 2023

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 23, 2023

My kid asked if I wanted some whipped cream and then squirted it directly into my mouth, she’s only 8 and I’ve already taught her everything she needs to know

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 23, 2023

“Mommy, please come pick me up. They’re being mean to me.”
~me complaining to my mom about my kids

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) March 22, 2023

Tuck and roll but it’s how I put my boobs in a bra after breastfeeding these kids for years

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 22, 2023