23 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Totally, Completely, 100% Consumed My Entire Mind This Week
Hello again, friends! I had COVID on International Women's Day this year and missed last week's Funny Tweets By Women post — misogyny truly is everywhere!! Anyway, congrats to haleybeatson for winning Funniest Comment in the previous roundup:
Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator
it is beyond fucked up that restaurateur doesn't have an n in it
when ur trying to leave the supermarket but mom ran into a friend
Watching “Women Talking” to see if it passes the Bechdel test.
Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
This photo goes crazy. The Etsy girlies are going to have a field day.
@TheLincoln I believe in using Vaseline as a marital aid while the kids are young. You don't use it as lube, you put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get the bedroom door open.
Once I worked in a middle school and promised the kids if they met some big behavioral goal that I would rap the entirety of “Lose Yourself” by Eminem and also it’s important to note that we focused a lot more on behavior than on spelling
Slow day. Gonna tweet something like "Geese Are The Ultimate Short Kings" and then come back to 400 comments, 6 death threats, and a Buzzfeed article just to feel alive.
Tale as old as time: my daughter just asked why Disney is spelled with a G
yeah……… i’m a Gamer
flea’s litter box texting me whenever he pees or poops is where surveillance tech finally got me. im in the middle of the atlantic and i know my cat just pissed. it made me tear up. the future is so disgusting i shouldn’t have this
You only get one, choose wisely
ask a guy how his day was and he'll give you a one word response but ask him what's the strongest animal you think he could take in a fight and you'll learn more about him and how he views the world than you ever could otherwise
Step 1: read her column
don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Women
Gonna go out on a limb here and say I think pants should end at some point? Also this sounds like the name of a horror movie for golden retrievers
We reminded our kindergartner he’ll be at a different school next year, and he said “How will I get there? On the bus?” We said we weren’t sure yet. He nodded knowingly. “Probably by dump truck.”
me any time shredded cheese is involved
i love when bands are like “we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..”
My brain at work:eat shit and die. choke and gag on your own intestines, you hideous fuckbagMy email at work:I understand! Please let me know.
just realized i was involuntarily doing the macarena while reading through emails because some car outside has it blasting (?!) and that's apparently how easy i would be to brainwash
god gave his cringiest copy to his best smelling candles
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women in February:
28 Tweets By Women That Made Me LITERALLY Laugh My Ass Off This Month (Like, I Laughed So Hard My Butt Actually Said "Sayonara!" And Fell Off My Body)