29 Weird Valentine's Day Gifts That Will Give Your Love A Heart-On
Valentine’s Day can be a weird time for lovers.
Although partners in happy relationships acknowledge each other’s differences and unique qualities, that seems to go out the window around Feb. 14.
That’s because people who ordinarily celebrate their lover’s quirks often feel obligated to switch gears and purchase boring generic gifts that don’t reflect what they love about their strange and wacky significant other.
Luckily, HuffPost Weird News is here to help.
We’ve scoured the world looking for V-Day gifts that are sure to tickle the fancy of even the weirdest person.
You don’t need to thank us, but if you want to name your next kid “HuffPost Weird News,” we won’t object.
AbracadabraNYC.com
Exotic Dancer Apron
Sexy lingerie seems like a perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day -- but not when you're cooking over a hot stove. This exotic dancer apron splits the difference wonderfully. So much so that we promise no one will think you're actually wearing an apron.
Stock.adobe.com for SoAmazing.com
BDSM Bear
When it comes to a slightly naughty V-Day gift, you can't beat a BDSM teddy bear. Well, you can, but only with consent.
3Wishes.com
Love Bug Hair Bow Set
A word of advice: If your Valentine dresses up as a "love bug," appreciate the sentiment, and don't try to make a joke like, "Is that some kind of STD?" Trust us. It. Won't. Go. Well.
Whipnotic.com
Multi-Colored Whipped Cream
Sure, whipped cream can be a nice accessory to your lovemaking, but it's so monochromatic. Luckily, Whipnotic has found a way to add color to the dessert topping, which should make your love even sweeter.
SquarePaws.com
Love Cat Tower
Don't cats deserve a Valentine's Day gift, too? Felines will enjoy this heart-shaped cat love tower, even though, being cats, they will only show their appreciation in the form of silent contempt. Small victories!
InGoodTaste.com
A Dozen Roses (As In Wine -- Get It?)
Sure, flowers are pretty, but have you ever tried getting buzzed eating a bouquet? Exactly. Instead, drive your Valentine to drink by giving them a dozen Rosé wines instead of a dozen roses.
MyLorals.com
Oral Sex Underwear
Chew on this: Oral sex is great fun, but safe sex is still worth practicing. Luckily, there are undies specifically designed for the act. Thank you, technology!
TickMitt.com/
Tick Mitt
Touch is an important part of any relationship, but it's even more important if your lover has been exposed to ticks. The TickMitt can allow you to caress your partner and remove pesky Lyme-disease-carrying insects at the same time. Who said romance is dead?
AdultVibeToys.com
Boob Ceramic Mug Novelty Pipe
Does your Valentine feel like a boob sometimes? If so, they will find this ceramic pipe quite titillating.
MilkAndJoney.Jewelry
DIY Breast Milk Jewelry Kit
Yeah, jewelry is a popular Valentine's Day gift, but if you want to make it more personal, make it yourself out of breast milk (assuming you have some to spare).
Get it at MilkAndHoney.Jewelry
CuriousTwist.com
Great Tits Crotch Stitch Kit
Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. And if you want to tell your Valentine that you enjoy certain parts of their anatomy, perhaps cross stitching is the best way to compliment them.
AbracadabraNYC.com/
The Shocker
If you are convinced that wearing a costume based on a sex act made famous in adult movies is the way to your Valentine's heart, then you have a truly one-of-a-kind relationship.
BarkShop.com
Doggy Cupid Wings
Since dogs are more likely to bring people together than a mythological figure like Cupid, cut out the middleman and give Rover the job.
LesliesPool.com
Inflatable Engagement Ring
If your Valentine insists on a "big ring" for V-Day, well, this fits the bill. If they complain, just point out that they weren't very specific. Also, remind them that a real diamond ring doesn't actually float. They'll appreciate the clarity.
Xersizer.com
Penis Pump
Look, only you know whether your Valentine will be pumped to get this for Valentine's Day. Fingers crossed.
3Wishes.com
Candy Hearts Nipple Pasties
Candy hearts are a traditional part of Valentine's Day, but have you ever tasted one? Ugh. These nipple pasties have the same basic taste while being a tad sexier.
OrchidToys.com
Swamp Monster Scaly Silicone Dildo
Just imagine the pillow talk when you bring out this sex toy.
"Is that a Swamp Monster Scaly Silicone Dildo? Or are you just glad to see me?"
"Uh, both?"
StayLitDesign.com
Heart-Shaped Bong
Valentine's Day doesn't have to be just about candies or flowers. Sometimes it can be about bongs.
AliExpress.us
Exposed Ass Shorts
Looking for a cheeky Valentine's Day gift? These exposed butt shorts aren't the most asinine choice.
FriendsheepWool.com
Valentine-Themed Dryer Balls
Dryer balls may help prevent laundry from clumping, but they don't exactly scream romance, do they? Yes, they do when they have Valentine's Day hearts on them. Your love will think of you every time they are worried about their laundry clumping and know you were there for them at a difficult time.
Jeremiah F Kane for Emojibator
Eggplant Vibrator
Adding more vegetables to your diet is good for your health. Adding an eggplant vibrator to your bedroom toys could be good for your sex life.
Twilla.com
Body Pillow To Replace You If Partner Is A Tad Too Clingy
Can't be there for your Valentine? This giant pillow will give them something to snuggle while you do whatever it is you do.
Jelly Belly
Jelly Belly Squishy Toy
Jelly beans are a sweet gift -- unless you're trying to avoid sugar. Solution? This Jelly Belly-themed squishy toy. It's not edible, but your Valentine can use it as a stress ball when you annoy them -- and you will!
Pati Barreto Photography for HiSeltzers.com
Cannabis Seltzer
Wine is typically a good V-Day gift, but if alcohol isn't an option, these cannabis seltzers are a good way to get that romantic buzz.
Daysavers.com
Cigarette-Rolling Machine
Is your Valentine all out of joint? This cigarette-rolling machine will make sure that never happens again.
TheAdultToyShop.com
Masturbation Glove
If you can't be around to take care of your Valentine's needs, give them a hand with this masturbation glove.
Chaz Photographics for Kiiroo.com
Tanya Tate Stroker
Variety is the spice of life, but if monogamy is important to you, maybe this stroker designed to reproduce the inner anatomy of porn star Tanya Tate will give you and your partner some wiggle room.
Smartish.com
Pink Bigger Cable Wrangler
It's hard to think about Valentine's Day when you have computer cords scattered about. This pink cable wrangler will let your lover know you understand that everything has its place and there's a place for everything.
Thereza Helena for Wonderlust.co
Mindful Intimacy Card Deck
Yes, strip poker is a marvelous game, but some people don't know what to do when the clothes finally come off. At that point, maybe you need to switch to this Mindful Intimacy Card Deck, which offers 136 prompts on things you can do naked (and, no, frying chicken in a shallow pan isn't one of them).
