Below, we’ve gathered 30 spot-on tweets that married people will absolutely appreciate.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 20, 2018
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) November 11, 2018
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
NEWLYWEDS: [bump into each other in the hallway] awwww cmere *start making out*— Valerie 🎄🤶🏻 (@ValeeGrrl) November 29, 2018
MARRIED 10 YEARS: [bump into each other in hallway]
ME: OMG WHY DID YOU KEEP WALKING WHEN I CLEARLY HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY
HIM: I HAVE A HEAVY LAUNDRY BASKET
Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it's wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.— Elisabeth 🇺🇸🖕 (@YourMomsucksTho) November 28, 2018
HUSBAND: All I want for Christmas is you.— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 6, 2018
Be right back...have to passive-aggressively ask my wife if she’s done with the cereal she finished an hour ago, or if I can put the box away.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 6, 2018
Wife: I love that we finish each other's-— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2018
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 26, 2018
I begged my husband to go to a movie with me and he asked if it was a chick flick and I said no and then he asked if it had people killing each other and I said sure and halfway through the movie he asked when the killing would start. THE MOVIE WAS INSTANT FAMILY— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) December 8, 2018
H: What's the best thing about being married?— Northern Lights 💀 (@PinkCamoTO) November 25, 2018
Me: Having someone to help me get the duvet back into its cover.
Me: Did you know a guard llama can kill coyotes?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2018
Wife: We're not getting a llama.
It's like she doesn't even want to protect our kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I couldn’t convince the store to take both coupons she sent me with.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 20, 2018
I like to spice up my marriage by— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) June 25, 2018
asking my husband what he wants
for dinner and then rejecting every
single one of his suggestions.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 9, 2018
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 5, 2018
"🎵Because the greaaaatest love of all...is happening to meeeeeeee🎵"— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) December 7, 2018
*hears husband snoring*
I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird— Elisabeth 🇺🇸🖕 (@YourMomsucksTho) November 25, 2018
Of course I'm married, somebody has to open the canned biscuits.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 5, 2018
Until I met my wife, I had no idea there was a wrong way to butter toast.— e4moji (@e4nc1) November 27, 2018
Three months.— Mommy Jeerist (@Mommy_jeerist) December 4, 2018
That's how long my husband stood by and watched me water a fake plant.
“I’m a damn grown man and I’ll do what the hell I want when I want to!!!”— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) September 5, 2018
*me, five minutes before I drive my wife to Costco.
marriage is a lot like google maps you ‘re either sticking to the designated route or recalculating— velour sweatpants (@Glennot73) November 10, 2018
If you enjoy offering to do things you have no intention of doing, marriage might be right for you.— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 26, 2018
I made cucumber salad last week & today in the grocery store, my husband said "I liked that thing you did with the cucumber last week! Ya wanna do that again?" real loud....as a silence fell upon the crowd in the Kroger produce dept🥒😳— Clumsy (@Dani21013) July 22, 2018
Wife texting - Did you buy gift tags for the presents?— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 4, 2018
Me - Yes but you may want to pick up some more on your way home.
(Me and the dog staring at each other wearing gift tag masks)
Wife: I can’t believe you said that— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) December 10, 2018
Me: I’ve grown a lot since then
Wife: It was like 20 seconds ago
Me: That is not the man I am now
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My husband once went to get us McDonald’s breakfast but forgot to take my order and left his phone home, so he took his best guess at what I wanted but came home with no hash brown and I have to say, it tested our marriage.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 13, 2018
I’ve hiked the coldest parts of Canada and have nearly froze to death visiting the North Pole, but nothing...is as cold as my wife’s feet in bed.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 21, 2018
My husband bought a steamer because I don't iron. I wonder how long it's going to take him to figure out that I don't steam?— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 9, 2018
Also on HuffPost
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Friday night]— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Where does this go?”— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018
- my husband cleaning
Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018
We’re 7 mins in.
90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018
If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018
Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018
*Looking for something around the house.— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018
Me: Have you seen it?
Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.
Me: Ah, thank you.
*Still has no idea where it is.
If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018
I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018
Love is letting her charge her phone first.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018
Marriage is buying a second charger.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018
What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018
Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018
Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018
The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018
My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018
I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018
I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017
90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018
“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018
Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018
*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants
Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018
Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!
WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018
ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013
(100 miles from exit)— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018
Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.