31 People Reveal Their Definitions of Love for Valentine's Day

What first drew me to language was its fluidity. Every word can have multiple meanings — not just in the vernacular at large, but also to different people depending on an individual's memories and associations. There’s something complex and beautiful about that, and it's a huge reason I wanted to become a writer and editor. Something else complex and beautiful? Love. You can roll your eyes at me now — actually, you should — but it’s true. Love is one of the words that probably has the most varied definitions since our experiences with it are all so intense.

Without spilling the sordid details, I'm experiencing quite the upheaval in my life right now (sup, Saturn return) — so much so that I'm reevaluating everything I thought I knew about love. Many things I thought to be true are not, and I'm learning new things about what it means to love and be loved all the time.

But, for now, here’s what the concept means to me: when a song that sounds nothing like a typical “love song” has somehow become one to you; folding all your shit Marie Kondo-style to free up a drawer in your dresser; someone getting incensed on your behalf when you’ve been wronged, who will also tell you if you’re the one who's wrong. It's closeness that also allows for space and freedom and room to figure out whatever those two words mean to you, because those definitions change as well. It's trusting that the person you love wants to be there, that their love is both a choice and a feeling, and feeling safe and excited in the knowledge that you can make whatever kind of relationship you want together. Love is also 143 pounds of Mr. Rogers (the weight he reportedly stayed his entire adult life, which he thought was God's way of telling him he was loved).

Sometimes love is wanting to do things for someone that feel like obligations when you're asked to do them for someone else. It's shared T-shirts, playlists, and appetizers. Right now I'm grappling with the fact that in these times, especially as a person with depression, love can sometimes make you feel like the folks who played music as the Titanic sank; it's gorgeous, selfless, and important, but it can be temporary and heart-wrenchingly sad at the same time. Love is also so much more.

Because I'm still figuring it out, I was interested in hearing from you about your ever-evolving experiences with this concept. I wanted to know what came up for you when you tried to intellectualize the thing that inhabits our every nook and cranny when we feel both the most at home and the most excited. I asked people on the Internet with a Google form what they thought about love (and asked for ages, pronouns, sexual orientations, and relationship statuses) — here’s what you had to say:

Love Is When You Build Each Other Up

"Love means enthusiastically answering my many, many questions with an unexpected level of depth, taking care of me when I am sick, indulging my need for spontaneity, making mundane chores manageable (if not fun), and truly seeing my light and looking to amplify rather than dim it." — Alia Stearns, 41, She/Her, Bi, Open Relationship With Boyfriend

"At its core, love requires the basics of care. It's people helping each other meet needs, like food and warmth and play. It's trust that my partner is an accurate and healthy mirror for self-reflection and knowing I’m the same for them. It's acting for one another as a framework and foundation for personal evolution." — Alice, 30, Unsure, Queer, Boo’d Up

"Love is like sinking into a warm bath at the end of an awful day. It’s being brave enough to give someone the parts of you that are messy, complicated, and not Instagram-perfect. It’s knowing that although they hold all the tools to break your heart, they’ll build you up instead." — Olivia, 22, She/Her, Heterosexual, Single

"Love is creation. Healthy love is generative. A healthy partnership allows those in it to be more of themselves, not less. Humility isn't necessarily humiliating. This game is a long game. Be gentle." — K, 31, She/Her, Queer, Domestic Partnership

Love Includes the Necessary Space for Pain

"When we say, 'I don’t know how we’ll get through this except that it will be together,' and I believe us." — Eric Mersmann, 40, He/Him, Bi, Married

"Love is a trust I place in someone. Love is a space for refuge, for pain, and for growth. Love is walking through a world of cold, dead pain and knowing there are human hearts beating somewhere and that one of them beats for me, and then my heart flutters like a dream come true." — Hellion, 27, She/Her, Queer, In Love

"Love is when my partner asked me to go to the animal shelter on the anniversary of my mom’s death just to make me smile — and we took home two bonded cats." — Alaina Leary, 25, She/They, Queer, Engaged

"Love is my partner sitting beside me during a panic attack, not telling me to stop or change, not prescribing, just being there, grounding me. It's coming with me to my therapist’s office after a self-harm scare to make sure I was safe from myself, and my therapist saying, 'He really loves you.'" — Anna Swenson, 28, She/Her, Queer, Married

Love Is In the Smallest Things

"I'm not sure about romance, other than it's absurd. But my best friend and I sent each other the exact same e-mail this morning and if that isn't love, I don't know what is." — Elizabeth, 27, She/Her, Queer

"My emotions wheel says love is a feeling of lightness and security, but I’ve never felt that way. So, to me, love is being present, and the rare moments in the day when I become so absorbed in the sunlight or snowflakes or taste of my ginseng tea that I forget to feel anxious, unwell, or that I should feel like less of a person for taking up space in the world." — Christian, 34, She/Her, Straight-ish, Terminally Single

"Love looks like doing the dishes. I’m an 'Acts of Service' person and I hate doing the dishes, so my husband has taken it upon himself to never let a dirty plate fester in the sink. It’s selfless and humble and deeply loving, and I’m thankful he takes pains to show me love in the language I hear it." — Skye Sherman, 25, She/Her, Heterosexual, Married

Love Makes Room For Change and Growth

"Feeling safe to be a true, authentic person. Having room for individual and shared passions. Knowing when everything else gets stripped away, your partner will still hold you close." — Joy Overbrook, 30, She/Her, Pansexual, Married

"Love is when I am challenged, seen, excited, amused, provoked into thought, and most of all, safe. When someone wants to know me and remains curious and thoughtful. When I continue to be supported and support another, throughout healthy changes." — Kate, 27, She/Her, Bisexual, Married

"Love is having total acceptance and the ability to trust and openly communicate, without the fear of judgment or rejection. That shouldn't just apply to romantic love but also to love among family and friends." — Rho Rho, 94, She/Her, Widowed

"Freedom is essential to love. Without the ability to be yourself and express the quirky, dark beautiful sides of your nature, love suffocates and quickly evaporates." — Lilly Harlow, 37, She/Her, Straight, Committed Relationship

"Love is looking at someone and knowing that who they are today definitely won’t be who you see tomorrow, or the next day, or 10 years from now, and loving them for that reason alone. To love, we have to embrace the fact that who we first became attracted to can, will, and should change. The best part of love is watching it grow in new ways as each person evolves and maturing your love language along the way." — Wandy Felicita Ortiz, 23, She/Her, Heterosexual, In a Relationship

Love Is Sharing Food

"Love is knowing that, for the first time in your life, you don’t have to apologize for feeling everything at once. Love is beginning to heal from past trauma and learning that being hurt is not a required part of the relationship package. Love is also guava and cheese pastelitos." — Ashley, 24, She/Her, Pansexual, In a Relationship

"Love is when I press myself into your back at night and feel our future. And when you send 40 Diet Cokes via Postmates to my doorstep in Brooklyn after a bad work day." — Cortne B, 25, She/Her, Straight, In a Relationship

"Love is willingly looking after someone with the flu. The only time I envy people in relationships is when I'm full of fever and fending for myself. Bring chicken soup to my sick bed and I'll love you forever." — Jay Birch, 29, He/Him, Single

Love Is a Feeling of Comfort

"Love is not what I grew up thinking it was. Love isn't turbulent, it's no whirlwind; it's comfort, companionship, and acceptance, calm and quiet, and better to me than any great drama. It's the way I sleep best when I can hear their breathing, the way that I wake from a long nap with my hand still in theirs because they didn't want to move and wake me." — Artemis, 22, She/Her, Asexual/Homoromantic, Engaged

"Love means that I don’t feel pressured to add “haha” or “lol” to the end of every text message. I feel comfortable enough sharing my thoughts with the person I love, romantically or platonically, without attempting to cancel them out with some filler phrases." — Liz Sheeley, 29, She/Her, Straight, Single

"Love is sometimes forgetting you’re beside each other because it’s as comfortable to be with them as it is when you're alone. It’s praising them when they’re nowhere nearby; it’s wanting to share them (and pictures of them and their accomplishments and sweet actions) with every friend you have. It’s waking up without any questions. It’s dating someone in Queens when you live in South Brooklyn, tbh." — Caitlin, 23, She/Her, Straight, In a Relationship

Love Is When Someone Starts to Take Up Space in Your Mind

"Love is what gets us through this whole thing called life. It’s what and who we think about when we fall asleep. It’s what we feel in our most vulnerable and emotional moments. It’s everything." — Rebecca Rranza, 21, She/Her, Bisexual, Single

"I know we're all thinking about Mary Oliver lately, but I really do think attention is the beginning of love and devotion. Someone who loves me will notice the things that bother me or make me feel good, not discount them, and then alter their behavior accordingly. It's really, really hard to actually be thoughtless or cruel or indifferent when you're paying attention." — Caitlin VH, 28, She/Her, Bi, Single

"Love is lending a book. It's your roommate turning on the French press when they leave for work so it’s ready when you get out of the shower. Bringing flowers. Making a shared playlist. Being in a room full of people but — consciously or subconsciously — realizing that in everything you do, you’re turning toward someone." — Catherine, 22, They/Them, Lesbian, Single

"Love is when another person starts to naturally take up space in your mind, and their needs and desires start to matter more and more to you over time. It’s about prioritizing someone and delighting in the things that make them unique. It’s who you see in your mind as soon as you wake up and who you think about when you’re falling asleep." — Emily, 28, She/Her, Pansexual, Committed LTR

"Love is the difference between feeling lonely and being alone." — Finch, 25, They/Them, Queer, Spoken for

Love Feels Like Coming Home

"Celebrating each other’s successes and comforting each other through losses. Feeling like home to each other, like a refuge, a safe place to rest your head. Feeling seen and known, in all your authentic weirdness." — Kate, 26, She/Her, Bisexual, In a Polyamorous Relationship

"Love is the comforting, warm sensation you get from good wine, hearing the opening chords of your favorite song, sinking into a hug, curling up on the couch, or eating a really good meal. I wouldn't call it 'coming home' exactly — that's not it. It's more like having the assurance that there's a home to go to." — Kendra Syrdal, 29, She/Her, Queer, Committed and Content

"Love is comfort in uncomfortable places. The feeling of coming home after a long day." — Maggie, 20, She/Her, Bisexual, Single

Love Is a Fucking Mess

"Love is that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you don't know if you want to throw up or fall into a fit of happy tears. It makes all emotions fly to the surface, because you are finally comfortable enough to let go." — Missy, 23, She/Her, Bisexual, Single

Read more about love and relationships:

• Why My Partner and I Want to Be In An Open Relationship

• How Each Zodiac Sign Handles a Breakup

• Coming Out as Transgender Only Made My Relationship Stronger

What this genderqueer person loves most about the way they look:

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