How 32,000 Central Kentucky women found a safe space on social media | Opinion
A few weeks back, Rebecka Yazell took her 8-year-old daughter to the mall for her birthday. They went to Claire’s, and Harmony bought earrings, some makeup and some other geegaws that make little hearts happy.
They went to some other stores, then Harmony gasped. She’d left her Claire’s bag in the bathroom. They went back to the bathroom and it wasn’t there. They looked everywhere, in the food court, where they’d sat down, the security desk.
Nothing. The bag was gone.
Yazell is a widow with three children, and she knew she couldn’t afford to buy another batch of birthday presents. So, in desperation, she went on the Facebook site “Ladies of Lexington” and asked if anyone had come across the bag.
They had not. But within 24 hours, at least three members had offered to replace the items, and a two more sent her money to do it herself. She and Harmony went back to Claire’s and bought a second round of birthday presents.
“What I thought was just me reaching out to see if anyone had happened to pick it up turned into the best birthday present she could have got,” Yazelll wrote on the site. “The gift of love from a total stranger. I pray one day I can repay the favor to you all. This means the world to me.
“Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and generosity and to the people who have sent me encouraging words. This single mom life has not been easy. But you all have made it a lot easier today.”
Is it possible that Yazell has found a safe space on the Internet? A place where women can go for help, support, advice and good cheer? Approximately 32,000 women in Central Kentucky apparently think so.
“My pride almost made me turn it down, but then I looked at my daughter, and I accepted two of the women’s gifts,” Yazell told me last week. “A lot of social media has become so negative, but this made me realize there’s more love than hate.”
A judgment-free zone
More love than hate is indeed an outlier these days ( looking at you, Lexington Dining page, where a woman asked how to get reservations at Carson’s and got dogpiled with snark).
But on Ladies of Lexington there is an extraordinary lack of judgment on topics ranging from where to get the best pedicure to how to get hold of day-after pills. I was really taken aback the day a woman asked about starting a career as an exotic dancer. I looked at the comments, expecting the worst.
But instead, this what the Ladies of Lexington had to say:
“From a former dancer … the industry these days isn’t worth it. Not the stress or the money. Just my opinion. I danced for 6 years.”
Someone else added: “It’s about the hustle and personality. But I’m gonna be real, the club money sucks this time of year, I’m not saying that to deter you. I also recommend having a part-time job until you feel comfortable in your finances as a dancer.”
Another someone else offered this: “Girl I wish I had the confidence to do it, and the time. Do what makes you happy though! And you can’t be sure unless you try it out!”
Another time, a woman anonymously told the site she was pregnant and could not have the baby. She got offers of adoption, a trip out of state and many who offered to just listen.
This is in between chats about dog parks and shopping and making friends in Lexington.
I was tipped off to the site by former colleague Heather Chapman, who said many people may not know how special it is.
“People get on Facebook and they hang out in all these echo chambers, but this community has women from all walks of life in an atmosphere where we’re really listening to each other and approaching each other in that supportive mindset,” she said.
“I’m talking job posts, passing on baby clothes, recommendations for doctors, anything. We show up for each other.”
Serving a need
The Ladies of Lexington was born out of, what else? the pandemic.
Emily Soraya Malik spent her last University of Kentucky semester locked down in the spring of 2020.
“My whole senior year was basically canceled. We couldn’t leave the house, interacting with people was not allowed,” she said in a phone interview from Milwaukee, where she now lives.
“I kept hearing it’s so difficult to make friends in the real world when you don’t hav security blanket of college and being in social settings.”
Being born and raised in Lexington, though, Malik felt like she had a lot of connections here and should try to bring women together.
“It started out I was catering toward women who were similar to my age, going through the same thing, having experienced post-grad blues,” she said. “But it organically made itself into this big thing and it’s still growing. It’s evolved and it’s changed, but I think the way it’s going organically, it’s something really good and really needed.”
It’s definitely filling a need. In the few weeks since I started working on this story, it’s gone from 32,400 members to 32,900.
But don’t be fooled.
The positivity of the Ladies comes with A LOT of hard work of administration and monitoring. “It’s a bunch of women online, so you think there’s a lot of sass, snark and mean DMs and mean comments,” Malik said. “But I have a bunch of rules in place that have been developed and tweaked over time to promote this supportive environment.”
“The purpose of this page is to build connections and friendships with other local ladies! Give more than you take from this group. Only relevant posts that are beneficial to the group as a whole allowed. This is a discrimination-free zone; all opinions, preferences, and identities are welcome. Disrespect is not allowed. No hate speech, rude comments, doxing, or any other forms of cyber bullying.”
To get there takes Malik and two other women many hours a week approving posts and monitoring comments, ruthlessly axing the ones that are mean. She estimates they receive about 250 posts a day on average.
Malik has a full-time job as an event planner. She doesn’t make money off the site, although she will sometimes ask for tips for her two other administrators.
“It’s a way for me to serve the community and provide something good for the women in Kentucky, which I feel like is really needed,” she said.
Businesses are allowed only on the weekends, that’s Rule 2.
“Small business & secondhand selling posts will only be approved on weekends. No pyramid schemes or buying/selling/re-homing animals ever.”
Another rule is no asking for money, unlike mutual aid sites, in which people ask for what they need and often receive it. Still, a lot of people get advice from Ladies of Lexington that helps them, such as a woman in recovery who got connected with a dentist who specializes in helping former drug users with special dental problems.
“I love that this group provides a unique opportunity to open people’s eyes about the struggles too many are facing here,” Heather Chapman noted.
Most of all, though, the site seems to be about connections, online and real life, whether at a dog park or meeting up for coffee.
As Chapman said: “This group took a city full of strangers and made us feel like sisters.”
