38 Legendary Sitcom Characters Ranked By How Poorly They Would Handle The Pandemic

·10 min read

Starting off with who would handle the pandemic the best:

38.Janet from The Good Place

Michael says, "I want to see Eleanor Shellstrop's file, is that what you have or do you have a cactus" Janet says, "I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file, I do not have a cactus," Michael says, "Excellent, please, give me the file" and Janet hands him a cactus

Come on, Janet is a person/mainframe, she'd be fine in the bonkers, awful world we live in these days. Janet even says in the finale of The Good Place that the way she experiences time is like she lives in memories when she thinks of them, like she experiences everything at once. She'd be fine.

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37.Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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Rosa would throw a knife at anyone who comes within six feet of her. She'd glue a mask to her face. She'd interrogate suspects over zoom and never skip. Rosa invented the vaccine.

36.Nick Miller from New Girl

Nick says, I will push if I wanna push, and then when he can't get the door open he yells, I hate doooors

It would take Nick four months to notice there was a pandemic happening, but he wouldn't have left the house for six months anyway, so no matter. He'd be the Quarantine King: constant snacks, writing 200 books, bringing a lawn chair into the shower just to have a new place to sit. He'd be so good at quarantining it would flow over into unhealthy.

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35.Dwight Schrute from The Office

Dwight says, I wish I could menstruate, If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore, I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle, plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides

You know Dwight has been preparing his whole life for this. There is a giant Schrute Farms bunker exactly like that city in that book where they live underground (The City of Ember, thank you Google). So while Dwight would be more intense than is ideal in a quarantine situation, he would get the job done.

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34.Captain Raymond Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Holt says, I have been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope, this is what I have so far, Paaaaiiiinnnnnnn, thats it

It would take Holt an impressively long time to lose it in the pandemic. He'd be normal and unaffected for well over a year and a half, other than his worry for others and the inconvenience to his daily life. Then Kevin would inform Holt of the Omicron variant, and Holt would stand up from the dining room table with a firm, "Excuse me," put on a winter coat, go outside, and walk from Brooklyn to Northern Maine without once stopping or changing his emotionless facial expression. But, hey, fair.

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33.Phoebe Buffay from Friends

Melissa says, Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority, and Phoebe says, Of course, yeah, I was, uh, um, Thi Mega Tampon

To quote Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Phoebe is a wild card. I mean, she's not, but quite often when Friends needs that role, they use her. In isolation, Phoebe's wild-card-ness and authoritative strengths would mesh into a vibe of, "I am in charge of this quarantine bubble, and I am ordering Cheetos on Instacart for an offensive amount of money, and don't you dare lower your mask in a public space or I will lock you in your room until Spring." So it would be a lot, and Phoebe would sometimes break and not do the safest possible thing, but she would crush it.

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32.Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women

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Given how elegant and kind she is, given that she is a natural born leader, and given that Julia Sugarbaker feels as if she could singlehandedly convince every single anti-vaxxer to get both doses and a booster, it's safe to say that she would be amazing in the pandemic.

31.Jason Mendoza from The Good Place

Jason says, "I don't know, this plan seems complicated," Eleanor says, "To be fair, you also once said that about an orange," and Jason says, "They don’t make sense, apples, you eat their clothes, but oranges, you don't"

Jason would have no issue quarantining, but he would forget, like, all of the rules. He'd be like, "a mask? Like the Cameron Diaz movie?"

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30.Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

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Liz would love quarantining until she got tired of herself, then she'd eat cheese, then she'd fall asleep, then she'd watch all of the Back to the Future movies three times, then she'd love quarantining again. A fascinating cycle.

29.Michael from The Good Place

Michael shows his tattoo on his arm and says, "It's Chinese for Japan"

Michael could endure a decade of the pandemic before it got to him, but the fact that some humans choose not to wear masks, not to get vaccinated, not to help, would infuriate him so much that it would consume him.

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28.Cece from New Girl

Cece says to Jess, Did you wash your hair, it looks really clean, and all of the women around gasp, including Jess

Cece is famously a slob, so while she'd miss the outside world, because she is a human being and WE ALL MISS THE OUTSIDE WORLD HOW IT WAS, she'd get over it. Weeks and weeks would pass without Cece noticing.

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27.Joey Tribbiani from Friends

Joey says, "Monday, one day, Tuesday, two day, Wednesday, when, huh, what day, Thursday, the third day"

Joey would be sad all the time during the pandemic, but he'd hang out in his chair and – now, I know this is controversial – he'd read. I'm serious. A great storyline for Joey in a pandemic were if he got really into books. Imagine Joey quoting Tolstoy, obviously pronouncing it, "Anna Karen-Nina."

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26.Stanley Hudson from The Office

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Stanley wouldn't give a shit about the virus or the pandemic. He would follow all of the rules, and, of course, get vaccinated, but he'd move through life as if everything were normal. And he would be ecstatic about working from home, Zoom camera never on one time.

25.Chandler Bing from Friends

While she's cutting Chandler's hair, Kathy says You have really great hair, and Chandler says, Well thanks, I grow it myself

The first couple months of COVID world would suck tremendously for Chandler. Then he would start talking to himself all the time, and he'd be grand.

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24.Coach from New Girl

Coach says, I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, ew, why do you say moist, I hate that word, I'm gonna be like, Just taste the cake, and they're gonna be like, Damn, it's moist

Coach is chill enough to remain chill as long as theoretically possible in situations like the COVID-19 pandemic. After that expiration date, all bets are off.

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23.Eleanor Shellstrop from The Good Place

Eleanor says, "I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs," Chidi says, "You mean a skirt," and Eleanor says, "No, you're not getting it and my thing is different, so shut up"

Eleanor would toe the line between "I love being alone in my sweatpants indefinitely" and "I need a restaurant NOW." The compromise would be giving herself bangs using a compact mirror in an Arby's parking lot, but all in all, Eleanor would be as Eleanor-y after years of lockdown as she was before.

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22.Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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Jake is a sloven (secret) homebody, so he'd be okay. Yes, he'd miss going into work and interacting with other people face-to-face, but he and Charles would come up with some costume they could each wear so they'd be able to be together all the time without breaching social distancing – like Jade Thirlwall at the EMAs.

21.Rachel Green from Friends

Rachel says, Okay, I will have the side salad, the server says, And what would that be on the side of, and Rachel says, I don't know, why don't you just put it right here next to my water

Rachel is exceptionally good at adapting to new circumstances, so while she would naturally have difficulty quarantining and everything, she'd figure out how to make it work for her. And she's selfish enough to take time for herself every day.

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20.Pam Beesly from The Office

Pam says, Finally, I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie, and I feel God in this Chili's tonight

Pam would handle the pandemic with as much normalcy as possible in a time so abnormal that the word "abnormal" feels like a joke.

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19.Mary Richards from The Mary Tyler Moore Show

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Mary would be okay, but she wouldn't be anything more. The tears would come a lot, but they'd end a lot, too.

18.Jess Day from New Girl

Jess says, I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all, she's off the grid, and then I'm all, I don't play by your rules, I can drink at 11, A M

Jess would be a wonderful combination of optimistic and logical. She'd create dozens of perfect handwashing-length jingles. But as a teacher, she'd only just pull through each day. Jess would print out the Zoom logo and burn it nightly.

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17.Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton says, It gave me nightmares, witnessing an injustice like that, it was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be, I can still hear them taunting him, Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids, How come they just could not give him some cereal

Carlton would try his hardest to be chill, but who are we kidding? He would be terrified of every surface for the rest of his life – which, to be fair, isn't that unreasonable.

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16.Terry Jeffords from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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Terry would remain positive and happy for so, so, so long, but one day, he would break in the yogurt aisle.

15.Monica Geller from Friends

Monica asks, So we're back on, Carol says, We're back on, and Monica says, You heard the woman, PEEL, CHOP, DEVIL

"Monica Clean" would reach a whole new terrifying level. Every second of her time would be spent cleaning. Every mug would be washed six times. Every time Chandler entered the apartment, he'd be hosed down. So yes, Monica would handle the pandemic well on the safety side, but internally? She'd be in a hurricane.

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14.Tahani Al-Jamil from The Good Place

Tahani says, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar, Let's go, then when everyone gives her looks she says, What, it's what I said

Tahani is super duper rich, and as the great Sarah Snook said in reference to her show Succession, "[N]one of the world’s really wealthy people were going to be affected by the pandemic." Now, that doesn't mean Tahani would handle the pandemic well, it means the opposite. She would also be furious at the world each time she left her house(s).

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13.Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project

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Being a doctor, Mindy would, of course, have a very rough time in the pandemic, and it would be made worse by her impressive impatience, her lack of impulse control, and her fantastic materialism in her personal life. Dr. Lahiri would scream multiple times a day. At some point, she'd go so far as to earnestly try pigtails. Good luck.

12.Andy Bernard from The Office

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I don't think Andy could take not being around people much. He'd be talking to his baking tins within minutes.

11.Elaine Benes from Seinfeld

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Elaine is both unbothered and wholeheartedly bothered by everything. Couple that with this nightmare of an era and we have a dangerous, unpredictable, furious amalgamation.

10.Amy Santiago from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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Amy would attempt to fashion a flawless home-work life many times. She'd attempt to plan her walks many times. She'd attempt to take up good hobbies many times. She'd attempt to maintain a healthy sleep schedule many times. But these are impossible feats, so she'd be left with nothing but disappointment and peanut butter many, many, many times.

9.Ross Geller from Friends

Ross says, "I think you reach a certain age having a roommate is just kind of pathe..." Rachel and Monica look at each other and Joey and Chandler look at each other, and Ross says, "that's pathet, which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'"

I don't know why but I feel like Ross would totally turn wild.

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8.Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock

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Tracy would not tolerate wearing a mask.

7.Winston Bishop from New Girl

Winston says, I've been broken up with so many times in many different places, multiple parks, coffee shops, Santa's lap, kitchen stadium on Iron Chef, airplanes, in economy, economy select, economy comfort, platinum economy, while covered in butterflies

Winston would spend six years living in a box in his room with Ferguson for absolutely no reason. He would eat oatmeal three times a day for absolutely no reason. He would only wear white for absolutely no reason. But this is what the pandemic can do to you.

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6.Chidi Anagonye from The Good Place

Chidi sings, You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up, you put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&Ms, you put the Peeps in the chili pot, it makes it taste bad

Though Chidi's intelligence and logic would fight to conquer his anxiety and panic, by the end of day three of quarantine, Chidi would be laying belly-down on his bathroom floor, surrounded by poorly baked homemade sourdough, quietly singing "It's Gonna Be Me" by NSYNC to a puppy he's fashioned out of household items.

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5.Kelly Kapoor from The Office

Kelly says, Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and, god, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way, Jim says, Your department’s just you, right, and Kelly says, Yes Jim, but I am not easy to manage

Kelly wouldn't follow any lockdown rules until she bedazzled her facemasks, and after that she'd BARELY do it.

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4.Schmidt from New Girl

A child says, A white man broke in today, Schmidt says, A white man, no, well, what did security do about it, the child says, Nothing, and Schmidt yells, Typical

Schmidt's eccentricities would become so unbearable in a pandemic environment that even he would grow tired of himself, and my lord is that saying something.

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3.Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock

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Jenna's need for attention would win over her knowledge of the state of the things. So she'd go to a billion parties in the tiniest rooms you've ever conceived of.

2.Niles Crane from Frasier

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Niles is far too delicate to thrive in a COVID-19 world. The poor man would spend his days with a wool blanket draped over his shoulders and a candle in hand, listening to Jane Austen audiobooks over and over.

1.And who would handle the pandemic the worst: Michael Scott from The Office

Michael says, I know a fair amount about fine food and drink, then he sniffs his white wine and says, This is a white

The moment Michael Scott learned about COVID-19, he would buy every single item in the grocery store. Then he would go through all of the food in five days. The pandemic would break him psychologically months before there was even a lockdown.

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