The 50 Most Hilarious Tweets From Parents In 2023

4yo, crying hot tears of frustration into her waffle: "I. DON'T. WANT. MORNING. AGAIN. Turn it off!"

— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) February 7, 2023

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 7, 2023

My daughter said the holes in my jeans make me look scruffy and I’m confused because I don’t remember giving birth to my mother

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) June 20, 2023

my toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy shit I've never been so wrong in my life

— Ben Purkert (@BenPurkert) March 19, 2023

When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.

— Princess (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023

So I gave 6YO a grilled cheese sandwich. She gasped, “Mom! You made me this sandwich one time, and I’ve been wanting you to make it again for like 50 years, but I didn’t know what it was called!”

— Jennifer Greenberg 🕊️ (@JennMGreenberg) January 30, 2023

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 4, 2023

If you were my 2-year-old, where would you hide your brother's brand new passport?

— Amy Liptrot (@amy_may) January 31, 2023

The teacher who told my son "men are the providers and women are the caregivers" just emailed to say she needs a cantaloupe for the class tomorrow and damn, I sure hope one of those dads she emailed provides

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) November 14, 2023

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 16, 2023

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 27, 2023

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) August 3, 2023

PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par—

Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!

— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 14, 2023

the problem with raising children who have good character is they become complete narcs when you try to sneak in candy into the movie theater

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) May 29, 2023

my kid has been telling people that her baby brother will be named “Chumley” and the state of contemporary baby names is such that everyone accepts this

— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) June 8, 2023

I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.

— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023

Imagine it's Sunday morning. You've been allowed to sleep in as long as you want, and you have no chores or responsibilities all day. There's fresh fallen snow on the ground. Your mom makes Cinnamon rolls and serves you breakfast. But you're almost 3, so you are blind with rage.

— John Smillie (@JohnSmillie42) January 22, 2023

My 17 year old just dumped his girlfriend and now he’s attempting to get his hoodie back . He’s in for one Hell of life lessons

— Toni (@Davszj) January 10, 2023

My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”

She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP

— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023

[at Halloween store]

Me: Store security just stopped me.
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: [leaves]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 21, 2023

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 15, 2023

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 14, 2023

My 8yo’s baseball team was eliminated from the playoffs and everyone was pretty bummed… well, except for all the players because they got popsicles.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) May 19, 2023

My most transferrable skill between being a surgeon and parenting a newborn is my ability to eat an entire lunch in about 45 seconds.

— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) January 18, 2023

Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."

My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 24, 2023

The only real parenting hack is to live close to the grandparents

— Peter Yang (@petergyang) January 15, 2023

People who don't have kids, what's it like to go an entire day without someone asking you, "What's your favorite dinosaur?"

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2023

I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 30, 2023

Got a call from my son’s preschool today. I had to go pick him up early because he *checks notes* gave himself a headache dancing too hard in music class.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 28, 2023

My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) September 7, 2023

My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling “COME ON, GUYS!” from the couch.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 3, 2023

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 15, 2023

I've never experienced being swarmed by locusts, but I have tried to unpack groceries while my teenagers were home.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 9, 2023

my two favorite pages from the most specific children’s book of all time pic.twitter.com/JvhimNtq1v

— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 31, 2023

I made broccoli and salmon with homemade sugar cookies and the baby just wanted the broccoli and salmon...paternity test coming right up

— Trey (@treydayway) February 19, 2023

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) January 26, 2023

Me: Take some deep breaths. We can make it to the end of the school year.

The school: Don’t forget tomorrow is potluck bake sale fundraiser dress like an octagon day.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) May 21, 2023

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she's subjected herself to months of me asking if she's still feeling blue

— 🌜🤷♂️🎅🏽Dad Moon Rising 🎅🏽🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) January 2, 2023

I have one intelligent child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2023

My 6yo says she doesn't believe in the Easter bunny anymore because "it's 𝙤𝙗𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙨 a person in a bunny costume breaks into our house and leaves Easter baskets."

She's onto us.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 8, 2023

A cool thing about having kids is that you now constantly have rocks in your house. What’s that on your nightstand? A rock. What’s in the couch cushion? A rock. What’s that in the bathroom sink? You’ll never guess.

— Lindsay Fickas (@lindsayfickas) June 29, 2023

from the time he got to school & the time he started some bs is insane😭 pic.twitter.com/XvVleHg7Mi

— YC🐐 (@YCfavee) December 2, 2023

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for fall sports.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 15, 2023

Weird how the first day of school also coincides with the first day anybody has ever driven a car.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 10, 2023

my daughter said she really wants to get baptized. I was surprised & asked her why & she said “I just love water mom.” LMFAO ??

— B 🦋 (@DontWorryBoutB) August 6, 2023

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 18, 2023

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

— Chele, please! (@_YamSmalls_) September 30, 2023

There is no one louder, more observant, or as articulate as a toddler in a public restroom stall with their parent.

— emily (@emilykmay) July 6, 2023

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also she is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 19, 2023