65 "Ted Lasso" Lines That Might Make You Laugh, Cry, Or Do Both Simultaneously

·10 min read

Ted Lasso is an endlessly quotable show. You know it. I know it. We all know it.

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If you don't know it, go learn it and come back.

Every character has memorable lines, of course, but let's not kid ourselves — most of the real zingers come from Ted himself.

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The man is a walking collection of puns, rhymes, dad jokes, and earnest advice, so here are Ted Lasso's best lines from both seasons of Ted Lasso:

1."Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong."

2.“If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later.”

   / ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection
/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

3."I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. Yeah, it's horrible. No, thank you."

4."Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don't know why y'all do that."

5.“If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at 3 o’clock every day, about a year ago… I would have punched you in the mouth.”

6."Be honest with me. It's a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know it tastes like garbage? You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat."

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/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

7.On whether or not he believes in ghosts: "I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves. You know?"

8."Back where I'm from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse."

9.On famous soccer players: "You got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself."

10."We're gonna call this drill 'The Exorcist' 'cause it's all about controlling possession."

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11."You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It's a goldfish. Y'know why? It's got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish."

12."If the internet has taught us anything, it's that sometimes it's easier to speak our minds anonymously."

13."I'm not sure what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is here, but that's about how much headway I made."

14.On Rebecca: "She's got some fences, alright, but you just gotta hop over 'em."

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/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

15.Explaining the offside rule in soccer: "I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it."

16.“I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside... It was the mob.”

17."Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you're one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there, you're just 1 of 11. And if you just figure out someway to turn that 'me' into 'us'...the sky's the limit for you."

18."I come bearing sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat."

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Apple TV

19.On Rebecca attending team branding meetings: "I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it; otherwise, they get lost. That was a branding joke. If we were in Kansas right now, I'd just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing."

20."For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field."

21."If I didn't have any confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night."

22."You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?"

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23."Here's an idea that's gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot. Who needs a drink?"

24."You know how they say that 'youth is wasted on the young'? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you. I just came up with that. I feel pretty good about it."

25.On scones: "It's like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth."

26."Coach Beard's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one — it loses its flavor."

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27."I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons."

28."I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids."

29."What I can tell you is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever."

30."I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players. That's a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass."

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/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

31."Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place of course is the 'I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit' dodecahedron."

32.On the Diamond Dogs: "It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air."

33.On gambling: "Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that's a little rich for my blood."

34."Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, 'Be curious, not judgmental.' I like that."

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/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

35."You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't wanna hear it. All right?"

36."Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high."

37."If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won't shut up."

38."Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if...you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things."

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Apple TV

39."I think that if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can't get through together."

40."All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen."

41."We all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that's like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak. It don't get nearly enough credit."

42."Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel live. Never disappoints."

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43."If God wanted games to end in a tie, She wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?"

44."The idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii."

45.On Jamie: "That's a special young man right there. Got talent for days, works hard, and he's got a jawline like the White Cliffs of Dover. I'm always rootin' for him."

46."So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about. 'It's the hope that kills you.' Y'all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief."

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47."Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister...which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself; I don't know why I said it."

48."This is a sad moment right here. For all of us. And there ain't nothing I can say, standing in front of you right now, that can take that away. But please do me this favor, will you? Lift your heads up and look around this locker room. Yeah? Look at everybody else in here. And I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain't nobody in this room alone. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward."

49."There's two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that's 'panic' and 'snooze.'"

50."It's funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone."

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51."I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser."

52."I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm."

53."Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or, uh, Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial."

54."There's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache."

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/ ©Apple TV/Courtesy Everett Collection

55."I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica."

56."Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing."

57.On Roy's excessive swearing: "It's kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative."

58."You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51."

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Apple TV

59."Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts."

60."You should do a TED Talk, 'cause right now you're getting a whole heap of 'Ted listen.'"

61."Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers."

62.On England's healthcare system: "You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up, and I don't have to pay jack squat? I tell you, I love this country."

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63."I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat."

64.On limbo: "Great party game, horrible relationship status."

65.And finally, "You say impossible, but all I hear is 'I'm possible.'"

Do you have any favorite Ted quotes of your own? Comment below; I appreciate you!

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