69 times Ryan Reynolds was hands down the funniest actor on Twitter
There's only one thing in this world sharper than Ryan Reynolds' cheekbones, and that's Ryan Reynolds' sense of humour.
Even the briefest of visits to his Twitter feed will provide beautiful proof of this. If he's not busy responding to the many, many odd requests tweeted at him by fans, Reynolds can mostly be found sharing unusual parenting tips or tweeting about the ongoing agony of fatherhood.
SEE ALSO: 29 times Patrick Stewart was hands down the most awesome guy on Twitter
From his thoughts about Game of Thrones to the slightly unusual birthday messages he likes to send his wife, here are some of the actor's funniest tweets.
1. The time he shared his thoughts on anxiety.
If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I'd feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 17, 2016
2. The time he let the dogs out.
In the morning, I like to let the dogs out and sing, "Who let the dogs out" before punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 26, 2015
3. The time he summed up the awkwardness of superhero intimacy.
The "upside down Spider-Man kiss" is pretty embarrassing when the rope's 2 feet longer than planned. You should see my Dad's face.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 20, 2015
4. The time he took a trip to Disneyland.
The best part about spending the afternoon at Disneyland in 100 degree heat is passing away in front of so many children.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 30, 2015
5. This heartwarming childhood memory.
"Kids, if you can guess where I'm hiding this lightbulb, you not only win, but get to call me an ambulance." —Uncle Dale. My 4th birthday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 10, 2015
6. The time he shared his thoughts on One Direction splitting up.
Do NOT make me regret this One Direction tattoo on my lower back, fellas.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 24, 2015
7. And his (very passionate) thoughts about Zayn Malik.
Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 9, 2015
8. And Zayn Malik's hair.
Love to know where the discarded hair is and how it might be purchased. It's not for a friend. It's for me. https://t.co/1cCcd3ECcL
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 17, 2015
9. And also what to do if you're trapped in an elevator with Zayn Malik.
10. The time he made his feelings about dick pics clear.
Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2015
11. The time he recounted a morning with his daughter.
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2015
12. This important life lesson.
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015
13. This touching tweet about fatherhood.
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
14. And this one.
Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, "Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!" and "Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die."
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 11, 2015
15. This one, too.
Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2015
16. The time he put his baby to bed.
Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 10, 2016
17. This character-building art critique.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
18. This response to a fan's question about parenting.
I'll wait for your daughter's reaction till she can read and understand your tweets 😂
— Robert Vasquez (@SFishro) July 22, 2016
Jokes on you. We're not teaching her to read. Boom. https://t.co/gwGgx7pNQQ
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
19. This airplane anecdote.
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
20. And this Disneyland one.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
21. The time he recounted his morning walk.
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016
22. And this memorable trip to the seaside.
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017
23. The time he evaded a birthday surprise.
My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 23, 2017
24. The time he shared his daughter's love of kids' movies.
My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 4, 2017
25. The time he made this important step as a father.
Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016
26. Not to mention this one.
Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 12, 2016
27. The time he shared this important parenting tip.
My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 17, 2016
28. And this one.
It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2016
29. This one, too.
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016
30. The time he comforted himself with this reassuring thought.
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
31. The time he wished his wife a happy birthday.
Just want to wish Billy Ray Cyrus the most special, magical birthday ever. I love you with all my heart. Also, Happy Birthday to my wife.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 25, 2016
32. And the same time next year, when he continued the tradition.
Happy Birthday to my amazing wife. pic.twitter.com/7vulMXqOdp
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2017
33. The time he shared his thoughts on parental responsibility.
Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2016
34. And on the feeling fatherhood brings.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
35. The time he perfectly encapsulated what being a dad truly means.
Being a Dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 18, 2017
36. The time he came to a realisation about Game of Thrones.
Turns out Game of Thrones is NOT historically accurate. Apologies for calling my idiot 6 year old nephew an imbecile.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2016
37. And a realisation about Hodor.
Crime sprees would be so much funnier if your get-a-way vehicle was Hodor from Game of Thrones.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
38. The time he revealed his best-kept hair secrets.
@VancityReynolds what did you say to your barber ? pic.twitter.com/xeU6nBpPGX
— Husain Alarbash (@Lilarbishy) June 5, 2017
"I'm really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone?" https://t.co/BVxD2wbSQW
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2017
39. The time he accidentally spoiled a family picnic.
A family having a picnic about two hundred yards downwind, ate like, half my Dad's ashes this morning.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 19, 2016
40. The time he made the mistake of googling a health issue.
I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 28, 2017
41. The time he made an important, CPR-related discovery.
I can't turn back time, but it appears CPR is actually administered through the mouth.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 31, 2017
42. The time he visited France.
It's cold in Paris, so the Eiffel Tower is smaller than normal, but still, so beautiful. pic.twitter.com/t6j0jjPTsT
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 26, 2016
43. The time he shared his thoughts on Johnny Cash.
"Hurt" by Johnny Cash. Good luck making love with that song stuck in your head.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 26, 2017
44. And Hanson.
It's difficult... but not impossible to make love while singing MMMbop.
I'm sorry for this tweet.— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 22, 2016
45. This nasty encounter with an airplane toilet.
Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn't until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) February 23, 2017
46. And this far more soothing encounter with Bob Ross.
Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you've been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. pic.twitter.com/UMazluwLui
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 17, 2017
47. The time he shared his thoughts on St Patrick's Day.
I adore the St. Patrick's Day tradition of fighting your whole family on the front lawn after sundown.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) March 17, 2016
48. And his thoughts on gluten.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 7, 2017
49. The time he replied to a slightly odd fan request.
@VancityReynolds I want you to rip open my bladder and live in me
— Lil Bert (@bananurs) June 8, 2016
Weird. I was JUST thinking the same thing. https://t.co/taW3TV9r77
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 8, 2016
50. And another one.
@VancityReynolds please, by all means, do murder my vagina kind sir
— fred (@noncentroniente) July 11, 2016
Sorry, just holding my infant niece in my arms for her baptism right now. https://t.co/hSO1BprQYH
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 11, 2016
51. Okay, so there are a few of these.
kick me in the boobs and drag me across the pavement
— ela (@amazingthighs) July 4, 2016
I'm currently lost in prayer. Maybe later. https://t.co/88kUQfdLZx
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 4, 2016
52. Here's another one.
@VancityReynolds shove your ass so far up my ass it comes out my ear
— rae✧ (@ridleyrivas) July 21, 2016
Just saying goodbye to my Nana. Any moment now. #WithTheAngelsSoon https://t.co/HUGYvDMi6h
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 21, 2016
53. And another.
can i pour milk in your ass
— lorena (@swiftatthedisco) August 24, 2016
Just at the border of N. Korea. I'm releasing some white doves. They're a symbol of peace. 🕊 https://t.co/jb1ofB7o4U
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 24, 2016
54. Also this one.
@VancityReynolds eat my ass
— 🦋 (@guccigum) August 20, 2016
Aww. Just planting fresh flowers at a local community center right now. https://t.co/FElu93uTrD
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 20, 2016
55. And this one.
Tear my appendix out a tickle my asshole
— Zuriel (@Venmona2) August 4, 2016
Just trying to finish this charcoal sketch of The Last Supper. https://t.co/if2ANSnUMQ
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 4, 2016
56. (Okay, this is definitely the last one.)
@VancityReynolds hey is your dad a baker cause you got nice buns 😂😂😂🔫
— Bxlla (@flyawaybella) June 22, 2016
My dad's not great at baking because, somewhat ironically, he was cremated. https://t.co/Imyw25hYDN
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 22, 2016
57. The time he revealed the real culprit.
I've got to ask, what does your wife say about all these very explicit "fan requests" you get? They ask for fucked up shit
— Scott Jenkins (@stormegeddon81) August 4, 2016
Pretty sure it's my wife writing most of those. Sounds like her. https://t.co/V8wnAo19az
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 4, 2016
58. The time he made a shocking, Harry Potter-themed discovery.
My neighbors' safe-word is, Hufflepuff. I only know this because I happened to jog past their bedroom window for an hour.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 1, 2016
59. This heartwarming story of his first date with Blake Lively.
Actual footage from the first date with my wife. Tried to surprise her and totally forgot I was a fucking shark. pic.twitter.com/7AxuauYH2e
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 24, 2016
60. The time he shared his failed attempt at relaxation.
I can't tell the difference between meditation and silent inner shrieking.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 19, 2016
61. This conversation with his brother, which went quickly south.
My brother used the word, "fleek" in a sentence, and I had trouble listening to the rest of our relationship.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 5, 2016
62. This touching Mother's Day message.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Painfully, you gave birth 468 weeks late. I was 9. We were both so happy to be free. pic.twitter.com/B7TDWRuWUe
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 8, 2016
63. And this equally touching mother-related anecdote.
So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, "Squad-Goals!". I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 21, 2015
64. The time he made the mistake of watching the news.
I sometimes confuse watching political coverage with swan-diving into a swimming pool filled with liquid rabies.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 7, 2016
65. The time he tried his hand at art.
I'm making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it's more difficult than I thought because I don't have a sister.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2016
66. This honest confession.
So what if I like drawing little hearts around @RealHughJackman's name. I can't be gangsta every second of the day.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 10, 2016
67. The time he shared this undeniable proof of deep wisdom.
"At some point, you'll rest in an unvisited grave of twigs and spit."
— rejected fortune cookie.— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 17, 2016
68. The time he made his views perfectly clear.
It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 28, 2016
69. And finally, this beautiful homage to Kelis.
Boys... It's just a milkshake. Get outta my fucking yard.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 31, 2016
Keep being you, Ryan.
WATCH: 'Deadpool' as a drama wins all the Oscars
