7 simple steps to avoid being a pushy parent
It’s only natural to want your child to do well. But children need to learn to succeed without pressure from their parents, says top sportswoman Dame Sarah Storey.
Britain’s most successful Paralympian with 17 gold medals for swimming and cycling under her belt (she won the first one at just 14), Storey, now 45, is also mum to Louisa, nine, and Charlie, five – and says she’s definitely not putting them under any pressure.
“Whatever they do, they’ll have grown up with role models with a strong work ethic,” Storey told the Daily Mail. “I encourage my children to make their own choices. That’s the way I was brought up. There’s no pressure on our kids. If they say they don’t want to do something any more as they’re not enjoying it, that’s fine. There are no set rules.
“You can’t rely on your parents to drive you on, as, ultimately, on race day, no one else can push you on. It’s just you and the bike.”
So, how can you be encouraging and supportive – but avoid being a pushy parent?
“It’s a tightrope to walk,” admits Sandra Wheatley, a social psychologist with a special interest in parenting.
And parenting expert Amanda Jenner stresses: “I don’t agree with parents being pushy. What happens is later in life, children can become resentful and hold it against their parents.”
Here, Wheatley and Jenner share their tips on how to get the balance right…
1. Any criticism should be constructive
Wheatley believes it’s ok to be critical sometimes if necessary, but warns: “Criticism needs to be constructive in order to be effective. You need to consider that they’re not going to take kindly to what you have to say, but equally it’s important to point out how much of a dilemma you’ve had to mention it to them, but you consider it sufficiently important to [do so],” she adds. “You may be pleasantly surprised – they may be aware of what you’re talking about and be fed up with themselves.”
Jenner stresses it’s important for parents not to be too critical, however. “Parents being overly critical of their children can cause the child anxiety,” she explains. “The child could then face a harder time later in life trying to overcome adversity and build self-confidence.”
2. Don’t ignore things
Taken to the other extreme, some parents may choose not to raise any concerns about their child’s performance/effort because they’re worried how they’ll react. But Wheatley says: “Please don’t act out of fear that you’re going to say the wrong thing or you’re going to get told off.
“If you say nothing, that’s a dead cert for doing the wrong thing. You have to find a way of saying something at the right time and in the right environment, that has the best chance of success and you getting your message across. Saying nothing, ever, is the wrong thing to do, and saying something at an appropriate time is the right thing to do.”
3. Don’t live your own dreams through your child
It’s so easy to project our own hopes and goals onto our kids – often without realising. But as Wheatley says: “Live your own dreams. They’re never a bad thing to have, but you may need to adapt them so they’re not your child’s dreams.”
4. Always listen to what your child says they want
Remember it’s your child’s life, not yours. It’s vital parents know exactly what their child wants to achieve – and it doesn’t have to match what you want. “Not listening to what your child wants can make them terribly unhappy and insecure about their interests, alongside creating a sense of never feeling good enough,” warns Jenner.
5. Communication is key
Wheatley says: “Communication isn’t just about listening and speaking, it’s about reflecting as well. Take the time to go away from an initial conversation, think about it, wonder about it from different angles, and then go back and say, ‘When you said this, did you mean this…’ and so on.
“If you’re going to understand how your child thinks and what they value and mean by their words, it’s always good to check, and it will help them understand that you really do care – you care so much that you’re checking because you want to be sure,” she explains. “That reflective period is extremely important in communication.”
6. Don’t have unrealistic expectations
It’s fine to have ambitions and goals for your kids, but they need to be realistic, stresses Jenner – and again, they should be your child’s wishes and not your own. “It’s important to set goals and be open to the child’s wants and needs,” she says, “but parents should not push their own agendas.”
7. Make sure they know you’re there for them
As Wheatley puts it: “Make sure they know you’re on their team. And if you don’t have the answers, you’ll do your very best to find someone that does, and you can work together to make sure they get as close to achieving their ambitions as is humanly possible.”
