8 Ways to Make Friends in a New City, According to Relationship Experts
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Moving often means leaving friends and family behind. And if you decide to change your zipcode without knowing anyone in your new neighborhood, it can feel particularly isolating and lonely. Learning how to make friends in a new city can go a long way towards not just filling up your social calendar, but general happiness as well.
But the idea of forging new bonds is easier said than done for many. It can feel scary to put yourself out there and attempt to make connections because we know it’s a risk, and we fear rejection, says Erica Turner, L.P.C., relationship therapist and founder of Your Relationship Reset. “Human beings are designed to bond, connect, and feel part of a group—ancestrally, being accepted & liked by the group ensured our chance for survival…so part of us fears rejection because it triggers a primal fear of being outcast.”
We turned to the experts for insight into how to make friends in a new place, specifically making new friends as an adult, and why it’s so important to find buddies wherever you live.
How to make friends in a new city
Be intentional.
Recognize the importance of strong social bonds and make it a priority to seek out new connections, says Carl Marci, M.D., physician, neuroscientist, and author of Rewired: Protecting Your Brain in the Digital Age. “Keep in mind that we are wired to connect and that friendships make us happier and healthier in the long run—that should be a powerful motivator to get us over some of the anxiety related to meeting new people.”
Go where there are social people.
This might mean taking a class in person, going to an exercise group, or volunteering at a local non-profit, suggests Dr. Marci. “Choose something you are interested in doing and that will increase the chances of meeting someone with similar interests.”
Be sure you’re listening.
Once you connect with someone, be curious about them and listen to their stories, says Dr. Marci. “Everyone likes to talk about themselves, so make it a point to follow-up and try to maintain the connection.” You can do this by sending a simple “thank you” or “it was fun to spend time with you, let’s do it again” and see what happens, Dr. Marci suggests.
Avoid distractions and delving too deep too fast.
“Don’t be distracted by your smartphone and don’t focus too much on yourself or be too negative too early,” says Dr. Marci. “There will be time to share deep feelings and hardships, but it is important to establish a rapport and bond before diving into big topics too soon.” Strong social bonds take time and effort to create and cultivate, so it’s important to be patient. Over time, if it is a true friendship, you will both be less hesitant to share more about your life, adds Dr. Marci.
And remember, don’t think of any difficulties making friends as a failure—see it as an opportunity to learn. “Failures are opportunities to teach us something important about ourselves and what we want in a friend,” says Dr. Marci.
If you still feel like you need clear options for where to find your new BFFs, our experts have listed out some easy-to-follow ways to make connections and forge new friendships. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of ideas that may help you find your new best bud.
Join a fitness community that offers classes and choose a time to go to every week, suggests Turner. “The goal is to see the same people in each class and organically build connections.”
Go to meetup.com and explore different meet-ups in your city with people that have similar interests as you. This site has curated activities based on your interest, says Rachel Sussman, L.C.S.W., relationship expert and therapist from NYC.
Join your city’s sports club (i.e. kickball league or pickleball league), Turner suggests.
Volunteer in a space that aligns with your values (i.e. Boys & Girls Club or the Humane Society) and meet other people with similar passions, Turner suggests.
Hop on Bumble BFF and meet other people in your area that are also looking to make new connections, Turner suggests.
If you have kids, look for other parents at school, the playground, or at children’s activities, suggests Sussman.
If you moved to an apartment building, see if your building offers social gatherings, suggests Sussman. “The building I live in NYC has a yearly holiday party, summer BBQ and we have a roof deck where tenants/neighbors go to drink wine in the summer.”
Sussman also suggests joining a book club or signing up for a cooking class to stir up some new friendships.
Why is it important to make friends where you live?
Friendship is an important type of strong social bond that we use as a form of support in good times and in bad times, notes Dr. Marci. “Importantly, friendships are good for our health and protect us from loneliness over time,” he says.
There are very real health effects to feeling lonely, says Dr. Marci. “Loneliness triggers a type of stress response in the brain and body. Stress is a signal to the brain that something is wrong and it is designed to put us into action to correct an imbalance. Over time, if the social imbalance is not corrected [and your loneliness doesn’t dissipate], the prolonged stress has health effects on our cardiovascular system and our brain.”
People who have good friends and strong social bonds tend to be happier and enjoy higher well-being. The Harvard study of adult development, the longest-running study of its kind in the U.S., clearly shows that at the end of life, our relationships and how happy we are in them have a profound impact on our health and happiness.
The bottom line is that it’s important for your mental and physical health to make and keep friendships that bring value to your life. So, get out there and socialize!
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