Absent friend makes guest question party hostess's intentions
QUESTION: I was invited last month to a friend's birthday celebration. The guest list included everyone from our circle of friends. I noticed that one friend was (mistakenly?) omitted. I didn't know how to approach the hostess and also prevent any hurt feelings from the forgotten guest. Any thoughts on how to handle such a situation in the future?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Maybe that friend was already busy and the host already knew? I would just ask the host next time. That way you aren't asking others and you can get to the answer. Maybe if was a mistake. Sometimes mistakes happen.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I’m so sorry your mutual friend was left out. It’s really hard for everyone to know everyone’s friends, although I realize you mentioned it was someone from the same circle. Are you sure your friend was omitted either accidentally or on purpose? Maybe that friend just couldn’t come. Did you know ahead of time this friend wasn’t on the guest list? That would have been the time to speak up.
In any case, I don’t think you need to say anything but if it happens in the future, offer to help the hosts with any of the details and see if they are willing to share the guest list in advance. Or even ask a subtle question like “is so-and-so coming? I might call her to see if we can carpool/meet ahead of time/something else.” If you feel like you need to say something, one idea would be to say that you were sad to see that so-and-so couldn’t come and ask if she or he had something else going on. That might be enough to prompt the host to explain to you or regret that the person wasn’t invited so the host can handle it with the person directly.
HELEN’S ANSWER: I think it is OK to ask the hostess if your friend was invited. It might be a simple oversight, or an “invitation lost in the mail.” If everyone else in the group was invited, then your friend was probably also on the list. If that is not the case, then you know not to bring up the subject with the forgotten person.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Sherry Sullivan, attorney at law: I would tread carefully as a hostess has many considerations of which we may be unaware. If I really believed it to be an oversight and was very close to the hostess, I might just ask her directly. If not, it is a great reminder not to discuss an invitation unless one has actual knowledge that the other person has been invited, too.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Guest doesn't know what to do about friend left off party list
